What is it to be present, without judgement?

I'm just back from leading a Process Coaching weekend and I have been 'struck' by how hard most of us find it to 'simply be present to the moment that we are in'. It sounds simple doesn't it... So, lets give it a try.

Firstly, find a time when you know that you won't be interrupted and you have a couple of minutes to just be. Now, find a place where you can just relax, you can be seated, lying or standing, it matters not a jot. So, find your place and your body position and start to get present to what is in the here a now, notice your breathing, is it shallow or deep, as you notice it and get present to it you may notice that you automatically start to breathe more deeply. Now, focus your attention on your breathing and simply notice the path of the air as it travels into your throat, past your larynx, down your wind pipe, through your chest, behind your heart and into your lungs. Continue to follow the path of the same air at it travels in the reverse direction back out of your body. For a simple and more detailed version of this see 'Taming your Gremlin' by Rick Carson, page 35ish.

Now you should be present, so scan your body and put your attention on (or be present) to what you notice, from the top of your head, imagine that there is a body scanner slowly scanning the whole of your body, what do you notice about your brow, your temples, your nose, your jaw, your teeth, the skin on your face, are you relaxed or tense? As you notice any tension you might want to breathe into that part of your body and just let the tension go on the out breath.

Continue to do this exercise and travel down the whole length of your body. The art of this exercise is to move your attention from in between your temples and focus it on your body. Get out of your head and into your body. Simply notice what you notice and without judgement, it is what it is..... and what it is, is just fine. Remember judging it, doesn't change anything at all. What it does do, is take you out of your body and into your head. Although 'heads' are lovely things, they are overrated in my opinion, we spend far too much time, judging and making things wrong or right, having an opinion etc on thing that don't actually matter.

Practice being in the moment every day, the more your practice the easier it gets, you have to do something 28 times to create a new habit, and for 10, 000 hours to become masterful (or something like that) so, don't just stop when you have tried a couple of times and it doesn't seem to be working. Have tenacity and keep going, I promise it will get easier the more you practice.
The thing I want you to notice most of all is how your body feels when it is stress and tension free and know that, this is how were are meant to live our lives. This is our natural state of being and we create all the stress and tension ourselves from not being present to the moment we are in and judging ourselves and others to be good or bad, right or wrong, hard or easy etc etc.

Here is an inquiry for you, What is it to be present? How would your life be different if you were present in each moment? To your kids when you are with them, to your work when you are doing it, to your customers, to your lover, to your friends and more importantly to yourself?

What if, instead of judging yourself, you just noticed, what is going on with me? What am I noticing about myself right now? How is this working for me? Is this serving me or not?

What do I mean by is this serving me or not.... OK is this working for me, is it helping me to stay calm and present, or am I making myself wrong, or anxious or stressed. If its the former, I would say it's serving you, if it's the latter I would say it may not be serving you.

The present moment is rich and fulfilling and changes from moment to moment. In my experience the biggest gift we can give ourselves is to practice being present and 'in the moment'. Being in the moment does not require any preparation, being in the moment, you don't have to get it 'right or wrong' you just have to be.

There is a reason why someone coined the phrase 'practice makes perfect' and for that matter 'analysis paralysis'. Take some time to practice being present and simply notice the impact it has on your life. If you get the urge, please let me know what you notice.

Are you conscious of the beliefs that drive your behaviour!!

What do you want? A simple question isn't it? Yet most of us are much more able to articulate what we don't want... I promise you, if you work out what you want and put your energy into that, your life will be so much more simple.

What I am about to say may sound patronising, it isn't meant to. What I am trying to do here is to draw a distinction between two things that could sound the same, and yet they are very different.
So, here goes, this is about directing your energy towards what you do want....
I want to be slim as opposed to I don't want to be fat
I want to be look great in the summer, as opposed to I don't want to look fat in my bikini and so on, and so forth.

After 10 years of doing this work and after writing my last blog I found a new Gremlin who created some amazingly logical self limiting beliefs for me. What I will say, is that my thoughts around this were pretty habitual and I wasn't very conscious about what I was thinking and the beliefs that were affecting my behaviour.
So, meet my latest Gremlin - he's called. You'll never be slim again.. (add a frown for good luck).
Here are the beliefs he made up....
I can't workout without an instructor
I have to workout with specific instructors (that I like)
(making sure I never find any new instructors, as I didn't go to their classes)
It's hard to lose weight over 40, so you'll just be fat and 40+
I can't run
I'll never be able to run
I can't workout on my own
I can't create my own workout plan
(I used to be a personal trainer and Aerobics instructor!!)
He is also lazy and told me that if I worked out 3 or 4 times a week that I could eat and drink what I liked... he was trying to be kind to me.... (or maybe not).

So when I started thinking about where I had been putting my energy, I noticed that I was putting it into creating the work I wanted to do, travel, friends, creating the experiences I wanted to have in the future and not into what I wanted right now, which was not to carry so much weight, (that was taking lots of thought pattern and lots of internal dialog).
I decided to change the 'not carry too much weight' into being focused on getting fit, eating healthily and creating a sustainable diet that will mean I get into a specific pair of jeans that I love within the next couple of months. Sounds so simple doesn't it, and yet it has taken a lot of effort to, firstly realise what I was doing to myself and secondly, create the shift that really energised me into putting my energy into what I want.

So, now I go to lots of classes at the gym I never went to before,
I run on the treadmill for 30 mins about 3 times a week
I have found new class instructors that I really enjoy working out with
and more importantly, I feel great.

So 2.5 weeks in, I am 8lbs lighter (3.6ish kg) and am feeling great. It is six years this year since I stopped smoking and it is time to put my attention back on getting slim again. There is still a long way to go and I have my plan, it is not too ridged, as I find going from one extreme to the other doesn't work for me any more, so I have been out with friends, had the odd glass or wine or G&T when I wanted it and eaten some food which is not ideal and I've done it consciously and the weight is still coming off.

So, over to you, where do you have a Gremlin that creates self limiting beliefs for you and therefore creates behaviour that Sabotages the things that would make you happy?

Take a few minutes and ask yourself, what do I want? and am I putting any energy into it?
What are the Self Limiting Beliefs that stop me?
Do you want to choose something else?
I can't tell you the conversation I had with myself when I got onto the treadmill for the first few times (my Gremlin wanted me to get off, he didn't like it) and I just held on to my mantra - put your energy into what you want... that's what I kept thinking to myself and also I envisioned my 'target' Jeans. Classic Gremlin Taming I think you'll find... I can't believe I found a new one after all this time.....

So, over to you. Let me know what you find and how you get on. Most of all ENJOY!

Noticing where you are directing your energy....

At this stage you will know that I am a great lover of putting my energy into what I want to create. It is also true that we get trained to put our energy into reacting to circumstances. One study that was completed with 4 and 5 year old children recorded their interactions and found that 85% of the time they were either being told not to do something or being told off for doing something wrong! We really do get conditioned to react and respond to circumstances others create.

So here is a place to look to see where your energy is going..... you have to choose one of each of the following preferences.... ready??

I prefer to be liked or I prefer to be respected.
I prefer to be in control or I prefer to take charge.
I prefer to be the expert or I prefer new experiences.
I prefer not to show emotion or I prefer to express my emotion.
I prefer to keep people at a distance or I prefer to be open to people.

The former preferences are 'reactive' behaviours, the latter are 'creative' in Leadership Circle terms. Notice as you put your energy into your preferences, and know that every day you are creating your future. How do these preferences support you in creating the future you want?

Do you want to try out some new preferences or maybe even start with an inquiry around one or two of them... explore the inquiry from every role you play in your life. Lets say you choose
'I prefer to be respected', then the inquiry you would consider is 'What is it to be respected?'. There is no right answer, only your answer. What would you be doing differently, how would you show up differently, how would people be treating you, how would it feel?


Another way to look at where you are putting your energy is to use the Wheel of Life.

Check out the following Wheel ... and ask yourself which is the most important section to you?

Personal Growth
Career
Money
Physical Environment
Friends & Family
Romance or Partner
Fun & Recreation
Health

Now, ask yourself where is most of your energy going?
You can also look at which is least important to you and how much energy you are putting into that? Have it be simple use a scale of 1-10.
How are you doing in terms of Return on Investment?

So, those preferences may have been true 'up until now' and today is the start of the rest of your life. Today you can choose something different - how exciting!
What preferences or areas of your life will you choose to put your energy into today?

Have fun playing with this and enjoy the holiday season!

What is Balance.....?

This topic is coming up time and time again, in my coaching of others and in my own life too.
So, what is balance?
What does it mean to you?
Clients often ask me, do you mean work/life balance?

In this blog I am going to have a stab of defining what it is and what it isn't - a balanced view perhaps! Unusual for me, don't you think!

So, here goes.. Balance is part of Self-awareness, it is your ability to keep a healthy balance in the midst of the conflicting pressures of adult life - between business and family, activity and reflection, work and leisure. It is a measure of your tendency to self-renew and to be fueled by creative tension, which is the tension that gets created when you can see a way to achieve your values based vision. As opposed to the more common tension that creates stress and pressure which is unhealthy and self destructive.

As adults we lead complicated lives and we do not have to be Martyrs or Victims of that - we do not need to let the complications and circumstances of our lives make the decisions for us. It is true that we get trained as kids and young adults on how to react and respond to the circumstances in front of us, so, no surprise really that we become masters and responding to the circumstances that others create. When you have a Values based vision of the future that you are committed to and that you believe in, this is the first step to creating the circumstances you want in your life. It is about stepping up to take charge of your life, as opposed to being 'in Control' - what ever that overused and misused phrase actually means!

What does being 'in control' mean to you?
Are we ever 'in control' of anything other than ourselves?
What about 'taking charge' of your life instead? How would that be different?
In my work and in my experience, those of us who want to be 'in control' are the ones who are actually controlling.... who don't trust themselves, and therefore by default others to do the job.
They spend endless hours being busy and actually not getting very much done.
Taking charge means you know what the end goal is, you know what the impact is you want to have and you are both willing to role your sleeves up to help make things happen, as well as being willing to delegate to others to ensure the job gets done. I could write about this distinction between these two for hours, so I will leave it there for now.

Back to balance......
If you have a healthy balance in your life, you are able to handle the stress of life without losing yourself. You are able to maintain high performance and an inner balance or compass by integrating the various aspects of your life.

As a leader in your life you put your attention on your needs for self-renewal, family and leisure as well as work in order to be fulfilled and to maximise your impact, at home and work!
For health, true balance is needed, that is, time for reflection, diet, physical exercise. You know that values are often in competition requiring divided attention to spontaneity and control, family and work life, leisure and career, duty to others and personal development.

Balance means that you have your conscious attention on physical well being, commitment to wholeness and on good time management to avoid the damaging effects of stress. Good balance aids you in remaining calm, considerate and in making good decisions under pressure. You are also aware of the bigger picture in terms of your relationships with others and the wider system you live in....

Here are some of the things that help you maintain balance
- keeping things in perspective
- finding time for personal reflection and renewal
- maintaining a balance between work and family and work and leisure
- practicing good health habits around exercise and diet
- handling stress and pressure well
- demonstrating a high level of maturity
- knowing that work performance is about behaviour and not indentity
- being willing to say no
- being willing to question and debate things
- having clear boundaries between work and home and work and health
- using the 80/20 rule
- knowing you are more than good enough and that your intentions are good

Where is your life in balance?
What are your boundaries?
What single habit could you change that would have the biggest impact on the balance in your life?
What are you making more important than balance?
What ever that is, is it helping you create the circumstances you want in your life?

Here is a place to look - start to notice your habits around work, start and stop times, who controls your diary?
When do you book time for reflection? How do you prioritise your workload?
How do you used tools like email to help you do your job, as opposed to being a slave to them.

Spend about a week, simply noticing and let me know what you notice!
Enjoy

So, what's next on your leadership journey..........

So, you have tamed those Gremlins, noticed those habits that no longer serve you. You have become more self aware by taking training courses, hiring a coach, doing some leadership activities and continually practicing all the skills you have learned.

You are much more aware of who you are (self-awareness) and what's important to you (Values) you are making choices that serve the life you want to create (Vision of the future - based on your Values). You are noticing how you show up in relationship with others and the impact that you intend to have, you are also much more aware of who you are and how to be Authentically yourself. That unique amazing human being that was designed to be just perfect the way you are.

So what's next? Surely the next place to look is - What is the impact you want to have in your world? or the World? and how do you go about it? This is where the Leadership competency of Systems awareness is really important. Even when you are conscious and intentional about your impact, you could argue you are still in level 1, in your own opinion, judgements and experiences etc where you are the centre of attention. What we are looking for is for you to open your lens to take in a wider view of the world. Lets say a Metaview, where you and your world are just a small dot on the landscape of life and where you can have a much bigger impact than the boundaries of your small world.

With Systems awareness you are looking at the bigger picture, you are not just jumping in to fix symptoms. You look for the route cause. You are aware that the system design (be that work or life or even relationship, with yourself and/or others) and the way you operate is the cause of any issues or problems. You are also aware that it is new thinking and ways of being that will create a fundamental shift and you do not trying to work within the same old Paradigm(s). You know from within that you are able to create new systems, in any part of your life that will help you to naturally design the future you envision. You know that even making small changes in the current system will influence the outcome in the future.

You are able to think bigger than just what you want personally, you are able to think of the wider system (family, organisation or relationship) and you are able to see the connection between the long term well being of the community and its delicate relationship with that of the system that is in place.

If you score high in Systems awareness you know that you are an integral part of the whole, and that your actions both affect and reflect the systems larger culture. You are aware that cause and effect often are far removed in both space and time. It is clear to you that problems or issues can not be solved with the thinking that created them. You focus your legacy on contributing to the welfare of others and not on being remembered personally.

You are aware that you personally are a complex system, a mix of light and dark, strengths and weaknesses and that you reflect the world around you. You, once again, accept that when you see parts of other people you find unacceptable that it is just a reflection and points to parts of yourself that you have been unwilling or unable to take responsibility for.

Some of the behaviours that the above beliefs or operating system create are; you are aware that any relationship system needs to be constantly redesigned as we (those within the system) grow and evolve. You ensure that you have open dialogue about the long-term impact of current decisions. You take all the parts of the system into consideration when you start to plan your future, be it Organisationally, personally or in terms of your family. You include those people who are not directly in your system and try to consider the implications of your vision on them, even including them in the planning process - this could be Customer or Vendors if you are working within an Organisation or extended family or community members. You ensure that all the voices of the system are heard when making key decisions and you think about the wider impact of your decisions on the community and the environment.

Where is your Systems thinking limited?
Where do you take others into consideration?
Where are you tolerating a lack of awareness in yourself and others?
What's the gift of taking a Metaview on your life or any decision you a planning to make.
How will slowing down help?
What is the bigger picture?
Where do you want to have more impact your your community, relationships or the world?
Enjoy xx

The journey to Authenticity starts once you've established yourself in the land of self-awareness....

This is where I have been trying to get to for about the last 10 years, to be real and Authentic. I know in my heart and soul that being more of who we are naturally (on the inside) is the key to inner peace and outer success. As I write this, one question that keeps coming up for me is.....
How do you tell people what it feels like, its really hard to explain essence, essence in Systems Coaching terms..... the Systems coaches out there will tell you that essence is so hard to describe because it is exactly that... un-describable. Yeh, so that's the question, how do you tell people about the power of Authenticity when you know, they don't know, what they don't know.

For me Authenticity at the heart and is the heart of personal growth and human development. It takes courage to step into being more of who you are naturally, especially when most of us have allowed our Gremlins to run our lives for most of our time on this planet. Our Gremlins are more worried about what other people will think, and how they will judge us and whether or not we will succeed or fail and if we fail then what will happen....

Imagine how it could be if you focused all that wasted energy onto who you are and what you want to create. That is, to focus your energy towards conscious, intentional impact. This is what I mean when I talk about Authenticity.

Authenticity is your capacity to relate to others in an authentic, courageous and high integrity manner. It is a measure of Leadership that is an expression of your true self - not masked by politics, looking good or winning approval etc. It is also a measure of your willingness to bring up the 'un-discussibles' (risky issues that others avoid), you openly deal with relationship problems and share personal feelings and vulnerabilities about situations. Your inner and outer lives are congruent. Your behaviour matches your values and others trust that you can be counted on to keep your word, meet your commitments and deal with them honestly and fairly and remain true to your own purpose. Authenticity and Integrity are the qualities most desired in a leader.

Below are the internal assumptions that create authentic behaviours in people.

The internal assumptions associated with high levels of Authenticity are
- I am worthy whether people approve of me or not, whether I succeed or not
- Self worth, security and freedom and in my own hands
- I maintain my self-esteem and security by being true to myself
- My greatest source of power is my personal integrity (honouring my values)
- It is more important for me to be true to myself than it is to live up to other peoples expectations
- I am OK even if I make mistakes and hurt other peoples feelings
- I authentically admit my part in the problems we face
- The only way I lose face is by not being true to my Vision and Values
- Change starts with me, I must be the change I want to see in the world.

With those internal assumptions the behaviours that I demonstrate are as follows
- Being trusted by others (you make people feel safe)
- Having high personal integrity
- Directly and clearly addressing issues
- Speaking directly to issues without trying to smooth things over
- Acting courageously in personal interactions and meetings
- Respecting others opinions even if you disagree with it
- Staying open and honest about what you think and feel (even when you feel under attack)
- Managing conflict directly and openly with authenticity
- Surfacing issues that others are reluctant to talk about
- Speaking openly and confronting peers and authority when needed
- Being counted on to meet your commitments
- Exhibiting behaviour that is consistent with your Values
- Living your vision even when it involves taking risks
- Taking responsibility for your part in relationship issues

Where do you walk your talk?
Where do you struggle?
What happens when you are faced with inauthentic people?
How do you respond?
What is your role?
What is the value to you personally of being more of who you are naturally?
My Mantra is by being more of who I am naturally 'I can have more impact with less effort', that doesn't mean it is easy to undo the habits of the past.
What habits do you have left over from the past that no longer serve your vision of the future and the values you want to live your life by today?

Finding a life of fulfillment starts with the journey to Self-awareness........

If you score high on the self-awareness scale you will have some or all of these assumptions;
You'll know that you are inherently worthy and you'll feel secure from the Inside out.... and you'll know that it is not made up of how others see you, or by how you perform.
You know that inner development is the key to grow into more of who you are naturally and that we all, you included, contain a mix of strengths and weaknesses, of light and dark.
You know that the key to accepting others is to first do the work of self-acceptance, which enables you to know that when you find things that are unacceptable in others, it reflects aspects of yourself for which you are not taking responsibility.

The behaviours associated with scoring high on the scale of self-awareness are that you will show composure under pressure, knowing that others judgement of you matters less than your own internal compass.
You will be able to balance the demands of an adult life not sacrificing yourself or making yourself a victim or a martyr. You will not only be open to give and receive feedback you will openly welcome the opportunity to hear the impact your behaviour is having on others and strive to have the impact you intend.
You will also be willing and able to provide direct non-blaming feedback. In fact you will strive to provide information on the impact of behaviour on you plus point the other person to a place where they could have greater impact.
You are willing to admit your mistakes and use times when you fail as well as successes as a place to point yourself in terms of self-development.
You are willing and able to laugh at yourself and your situation and you take time to understand your own and others motivations, strengths and weaknesses.

So, self-awareness is where the journey from reactive strategies to creative competency starts. How aware are you of your internal assumptions and the behaviour they create?
Were do you solicit feedback and ask for areas of growth to focus on?

Or are you like me and say to yourself on a daily basis,
'Oh no, not another f***ing learning opportunity'....

Enjoy your journey of self-awareness and treasure every discovery as an explorer would when they find a new Island, country or animal species, be amazed by the complexity of the human race and be curious about the parts of yourself that you have yet to discover!