Being Real

What is it to be present, without judgement?

2012-02-06T00:09:00.001-08:00

I'm just back from leading a Process Coaching weekend and I have been 'struck' by how hard most of us find it to 'simply be present to the moment that we are in'. It sounds simple doesn't it... So, lets give it a try.

Firstly, find a time when you know that you won't be interrupted and you have a couple of minutes to just be. Now, find a place where you can just relax, you can be seated, lying or standing, it matters not a jot. So, find your place and your body position and start to get present to what is in the here a now, notice your breathing, is it shallow or deep, as you notice it and get present to it you may notice that you automatically start to breathe more deeply. Now, focus your attention on your breathing and simply notice the path of the air as it travels into your throat, past your larynx, down your wind pipe, through your chest, behind your heart and into your lungs. Continue to follow the path of the same air at it travels in the reverse direction back out of your body. For a simple and more detailed version of this see 'Taming your Gremlin' by Rick Carson, page 35ish.

Now you should be present, so scan your body and put your attention on (or be present) to what you notice, from the top of your head, imagine that there is a body scanner slowly scanning the whole of your body, what do you notice about your brow, your temples, your nose, your jaw, your teeth, the skin on your face, are you relaxed or tense? As you notice any tension you might want to breathe into that part of your body and just let the tension go on the out breath.

Continue to do this exercise and travel down the whole length of your body. The art of this exercise is to move your attention from in between your temples and focus it on your body. Get out of your head and into your body. Simply notice what you notice and without judgement, it is what it is..... and what it is, is just fine. Remember judging it, doesn't change anything at all. What it does do, is take you out of your body and into your head. Although 'heads' are lovely things, they are overrated in my opinion, we spend far too much time, judging and making things wrong or right, having an opinion etc on thing that don't actually matter.

Practice being in the moment every day, the more your practice the easier it gets, you have to do something 28 times to create a new habit, and for 10, 000 hours to become masterful (or something like that) so, don't just stop when you have tried a couple of times and it doesn't seem to be working. Have tenacity and keep going, I promise it will get easier the more you practice.
The thing I want you to notice most of all is how your body feels when it is stress and tension free and know that, this is how were are meant to live our lives. This is our natural state of being and we create all the stress and tension ourselves from not being present to the moment we are in and judging ourselves and others to be good or bad, right or wrong, hard or easy etc etc.

Here is an inquiry for you, What is it to be present? How would your life be different if you were present in each moment? To your kids when you are with them, to your work when you are doing it, to your customers, to your lover, to your friends and more importantly to yourself?

What if, instead of judging yourself, you just noticed, what is going on with me? What am I noticing about myself right now? How is this working for me? Is this serving me or not?

What do I mean by is this serving me or not.... OK is this working for me, is it helping me to stay calm and present, or am I making myself wrong, or anxious or stressed. If its the former, I would say it's serving you, if it's the latter I would say it may not be serving you.

The present moment is rich and fulfilling and changes from moment to moment. In my experience the biggest gift we can give ourselves is to practice being present and 'in the moment'. Being in the moment does not require any preparation, being in the moment, you don't have to get it 'right or wrong' you just have to be.

There is a reason why someone coined the phrase 'practice makes perfect' and for that matter 'analysis paralysis'. Take some time to practice being present and simply notice the impact it has on your life. If you get the urge, please let me know what you notice.

Are you conscious of the beliefs that drive your behaviour!!

2012-01-15T01:45:00.001-08:00

What do you want? A simple question isn't it? Yet most of us are much more able to articulate what we don't want... I promise you, if you work out what you want and put your energy into that, your life will be so much more simple.

What I am about to say may sound patronising, it isn't meant to. What I am trying to do here is to draw a distinction between two things that could sound the same, and yet they are very different.
So, here goes, this is about directing your energy towards what you do want....
I want to be slim as opposed to I don't want to be fat
I want to be look great in the summer, as opposed to I don't want to look fat in my bikini and so on, and so forth.

After 10 years of doing this work and after writing my last blog I found a new Gremlin who created some amazingly logical self limiting beliefs for me. What I will say, is that my thoughts around this were pretty habitual and I wasn't very conscious about what I was thinking and the beliefs that were affecting my behaviour.
So, meet my latest Gremlin - he's called. You'll never be slim again.. (add a frown for good luck).
Here are the beliefs he made up....
I can't workout without an instructor
I have to workout with specific instructors (that I like)
(making sure I never find any new instructors, as I didn't go to their classes)
It's hard to lose weight over 40, so you'll just be fat and 40+
I can't run
I'll never be able to run
I can't workout on my own
I can't create my own workout plan
(I used to be a personal trainer and Aerobics instructor!!)
He is also lazy and told me that if I worked out 3 or 4 times a week that I could eat and drink what I liked... he was trying to be kind to me.... (or maybe not).

So when I started thinking about where I had been putting my energy, I noticed that I was putting it into creating the work I wanted to do, travel, friends, creating the experiences I wanted to have in the future and not into what I wanted right now, which was not to carry so much weight, (that was taking lots of thought pattern and lots of internal dialog).
I decided to change the 'not carry too much weight' into being focused on getting fit, eating healthily and creating a sustainable diet that will mean I get into a specific pair of jeans that I love within the next couple of months. Sounds so simple doesn't it, and yet it has taken a lot of effort to, firstly realise what I was doing to myself and secondly, create the shift that really energised me into putting my energy into what I want.

So, now I go to lots of classes at the gym I never went to before,
I run on the treadmill for 30 mins about 3 times a week
I have found new class instructors that I really enjoy working out with
and more importantly, I feel great.

So 2.5 weeks in, I am 8lbs lighter (3.6ish kg) and am feeling great. It is six years this year since I stopped smoking and it is time to put my attention back on getting slim again. There is still a long way to go and I have my plan, it is not too ridged, as I find going from one extreme to the other doesn't work for me any more, so I have been out with friends, had the odd glass or wine or G&T when I wanted it and eaten some food which is not ideal and I've done it consciously and the weight is still coming off.

So, over to you, where do you have a Gremlin that creates self limiting beliefs for you and therefore creates behaviour that Sabotages the things that would make you happy?

Take a few minutes and ask yourself, what do I want? and am I putting any energy into it?
What are the Self Limiting Beliefs that stop me?
Do you want to choose something else?
I can't tell you the conversation I had with myself when I got onto the treadmill for the first few times (my Gremlin wanted me to get off, he didn't like it) and I just held on to my mantra - put your energy into what you want... that's what I kept thinking to myself and also I envisioned my 'target' Jeans. Classic Gremlin Taming I think you'll find... I can't believe I found a new one after all this time.....

So, over to you. Let me know what you find and how you get on. Most of all ENJOY!

Noticing where you are directing your energy....

2011-12-17T02:03:00.000-08:00

At this stage you will know that I am a great lover of putting my energy into what I want to create. It is also true that we get trained to put our energy into reacting to circumstances. One study that was completed with 4 and 5 year old children recorded their interactions and found that 85% of the time they were either being told not to do something or being told off for doing something wrong! We really do get conditioned to react and respond to circumstances others create.

So here is a place to look to see where your energy is going..... you have to choose one of each of the following preferences.... ready??

I prefer to be liked or I prefer to be respected.
I prefer to be in control or I prefer to take charge.
I prefer to be the expert or I prefer new experiences.
I prefer not to show emotion or I prefer to express my emotion.
I prefer to keep people at a distance or I prefer to be open to people.

The former preferences are 'reactive' behaviours, the latter are 'creative' in Leadership Circle terms. Notice as you put your energy into your preferences, and know that every day you are creating your future. How do these preferences support you in creating the future you want?

Do you want to try out some new preferences or maybe even start with an inquiry around one or two of them... explore the inquiry from every role you play in your life. Lets say you choose
'I prefer to be respected', then the inquiry you would consider is 'What is it to be respected?'. There is no right answer, only your answer. What would you be doing differently, how would you show up differently, how would people be treating you, how would it feel?

Another way to look at where you are putting your energy is to use the Wheel of Life.

Check out the following Wheel ... and ask yourself which is the most important section to you?

Personal Growth
Career
Money
Physical Environment
Friends & Family
Romance or Partner
Fun & Recreation
Health

Now, ask yourself where is most of your energy going?
You can also look at which is least important to you and how much energy you are putting into that? Have it be simple use a scale of 1-10.
How are you doing in terms of Return on Investment?

So, those preferences may have been true 'up until now' and today is the start of the rest of your life. Today you can choose something different - how exciting!
What preferences or areas of your life will you choose to put your energy into today?

Have fun playing with this and enjoy the holiday season!

What is Balance.....?

2011-11-22T23:48:00.000-08:00

This topic is coming up time and time again, in my coaching of others and in my own life too.
So, what is balance?
What does it mean to you?
Clients often ask me, do you mean work/life balance?

In this blog I am going to have a stab of defining what it is and what it isn't - a balanced view perhaps! Unusual for me, don't you think!

So, here goes.. Balance is part of Self-awareness, it is your ability to keep a healthy balance in the midst of the conflicting pressures of adult life - between business and family, activity and reflection, work and leisure. It is a measure of your tendency to self-renew and to be fueled by creative tension, which is the tension that gets created when you can see a way to achieve your values based vision. As opposed to the more common tension that creates stress and pressure which is unhealthy and self destructive.

As adults we lead complicated lives and we do not have to be Martyrs or Victims of that - we do not need to let the complications and circumstances of our lives make the decisions for us. It is true that we get trained as kids and young adults on how to react and respond to the circumstances in front of us, so, no surprise really that we become masters and responding to the circumstances that others create. When you have a Values based vision of the future that you are committed to and that you believe in, this is the first step to creating the circumstances you want in your life. It is about stepping up to take charge of your life, as opposed to being 'in Control' - what ever that overused and misused phrase actually means!

What does being 'in control' mean to you?
Are we ever 'in control' of anything other than ourselves?
What about 'taking charge' of your life instead? How would that be different?
In my work and in my experience, those of us who want to be 'in control' are the ones who are actually controlling.... who don't trust themselves, and therefore by default others to do the job.
They spend endless hours being busy and actually not getting very much done.
Taking charge means you know what the end goal is, you know what the impact is you want to have and you are both willing to role your sleeves up to help make things happen, as well as being willing to delegate to others to ensure the job gets done. I could write about this distinction between these two for hours, so I will leave it there for now.

Back to balance......
If you have a healthy balance in your life, you are able to handle the stress of life without losing yourself. You are able to maintain high performance and an inner balance or compass by integrating the various aspects of your life.

As a leader in your life you put your attention on your needs for self-renewal, family and leisure as well as work in order to be fulfilled and to maximise your impact, at home and work!
For health, true balance is needed, that is, time for reflection, diet, physical exercise. You know that values are often in competition requiring divided attention to spontaneity and control, family and work life, leisure and career, duty to others and personal development.

Balance means that you have your conscious attention on physical well being, commitment to wholeness and on good time management to avoid the damaging effects of stress. Good balance aids you in remaining calm, considerate and in making good decisions under pressure. You are also aware of the bigger picture in terms of your relationships with others and the wider system you live in....

Here are some of the things that help you maintain balance
- keeping things in perspective
- finding time for personal reflection and renewal
- maintaining a balance between work and family and work and leisure
- practicing good health habits around exercise and diet
- handling stress and pressure well
- demonstrating a high level of maturity
- knowing that work performance is about behaviour and not indentity
- being willing to say no
- being willing to question and debate things
- having clear boundaries between work and home and work and health
- using the 80/20 rule
- knowing you are more than good enough and that your intentions are good

Where is your life in balance?
What are your boundaries?
What single habit could you change that would have the biggest impact on the balance in your life?
What are you making more important than balance?
What ever that is, is it helping you create the circumstances you want in your life?

Here is a place to look - start to notice your habits around work, start and stop times, who controls your diary?
When do you book time for reflection? How do you prioritise your workload?
How do you used tools like email to help you do your job, as opposed to being a slave to them.

Spend about a week, simply noticing and let me know what you notice!
Enjoy

So, what's next on your leadership journey..........

2011-10-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

So, you have tamed those Gremlins, noticed those habits that no longer serve you. You have become more self aware by taking training courses, hiring a coach, doing some leadership activities and continually practicing all the skills you have learned.

You are much more aware of who you are (self-awareness) and what's important to you (Values) you are making choices that serve the life you want to create (Vision of the future - based on your Values). You are noticing how you show up in relationship with others and the impact that you intend to have, you are also much more aware of who you are and how to be Authentically yourself. That unique amazing human being that was designed to be just perfect the way you are.

So what's next? Surely the next place to look is - What is the impact you want to have in your world? or the World? and how do you go about it? This is where the Leadership competency of Systems awareness is really important. Even when you are conscious and intentional about your impact, you could argue you are still in level 1, in your own opinion, judgements and experiences etc where you are the centre of attention. What we are looking for is for you to open your lens to take in a wider view of the world. Lets say a Metaview, where you and your world are just a small dot on the landscape of life and where you can have a much bigger impact than the boundaries of your small world.

With Systems awareness you are looking at the bigger picture, you are not just jumping in to fix symptoms. You look for the route cause. You are aware that the system design (be that work or life or even relationship, with yourself and/or others) and the way you operate is the cause of any issues or problems. You are also aware that it is new thinking and ways of being that will create a fundamental shift and you do not trying to work within the same old Paradigm(s). You know from within that you are able to create new systems, in any part of your life that will help you to naturally design the future you envision. You know that even making small changes in the current system will influence the outcome in the future.

You are able to think bigger than just what you want personally, you are able to think of the wider system (family, organisation or relationship) and you are able to see the connection between the long term well being of the community and its delicate relationship with that of the system that is in place.

If you score high in Systems awareness you know that you are an integral part of the whole, and that your actions both affect and reflect the systems larger culture. You are aware that cause and effect often are far removed in both space and time. It is clear to you that problems or issues can not be solved with the thinking that created them. You focus your legacy on contributing to the welfare of others and not on being remembered personally.

You are aware that you personally are a complex system, a mix of light and dark, strengths and weaknesses and that you reflect the world around you. You, once again, accept that when you see parts of other people you find unacceptable that it is just a reflection and points to parts of yourself that you have been unwilling or unable to take responsibility for.

Some of the behaviours that the above beliefs or operating system create are; you are aware that any relationship system needs to be constantly redesigned as we (those within the system) grow and evolve. You ensure that you have open dialogue about the long-term impact of current decisions. You take all the parts of the system into consideration when you start to plan your future, be it Organisationally, personally or in terms of your family. You include those people who are not directly in your system and try to consider the implications of your vision on them, even including them in the planning process - this could be Customer or Vendors if you are working within an Organisation or extended family or community members. You ensure that all the voices of the system are heard when making key decisions and you think about the wider impact of your decisions on the community and the environment.

Where is your Systems thinking limited?
Where do you take others into consideration?
Where are you tolerating a lack of awareness in yourself and others?
What's the gift of taking a Metaview on your life or any decision you a planning to make.
How will slowing down help?
What is the bigger picture?
Where do you want to have more impact your your community, relationships or the world?
Enjoy xx

The journey to Authenticity starts once you've established yourself in the land of self-awareness....

2011-10-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

This is where I have been trying to get to for about the last 10 years, to be real and Authentic. I know in my heart and soul that being more of who we are naturally (on the inside) is the key to inner peace and outer success. As I write this, one question that keeps coming up for me is.....
How do you tell people what it feels like, its really hard to explain essence, essence in Systems Coaching terms..... the Systems coaches out there will tell you that essence is so hard to describe because it is exactly that... un-describable. Yeh, so that's the question, how do you tell people about the power of Authenticity when you know, they don't know, what they don't know.

For me Authenticity at the heart and is the heart of personal growth and human development. It takes courage to step into being more of who you are naturally, especially when most of us have allowed our Gremlins to run our lives for most of our time on this planet. Our Gremlins are more worried about what other people will think, and how they will judge us and whether or not we will succeed or fail and if we fail then what will happen....

Imagine how it could be if you focused all that wasted energy onto who you are and what you want to create. That is, to focus your energy towards conscious, intentional impact. This is what I mean when I talk about Authenticity.

Authenticity is your capacity to relate to others in an authentic, courageous and high integrity manner. It is a measure of Leadership that is an expression of your true self - not masked by politics, looking good or winning approval etc. It is also a measure of your willingness to bring up the 'un-discussibles' (risky issues that others avoid), you openly deal with relationship problems and share personal feelings and vulnerabilities about situations. Your inner and outer lives are congruent. Your behaviour matches your values and others trust that you can be counted on to keep your word, meet your commitments and deal with them honestly and fairly and remain true to your own purpose. Authenticity and Integrity are the qualities most desired in a leader.

Below are the internal assumptions that create authentic behaviours in people.

The internal assumptions associated with high levels of Authenticity are
- I am worthy whether people approve of me or not, whether I succeed or not
- Self worth, security and freedom and in my own hands
- I maintain my self-esteem and security by being true to myself
- My greatest source of power is my personal integrity (honouring my values)
- It is more important for me to be true to myself than it is to live up to other peoples expectations
- I am OK even if I make mistakes and hurt other peoples feelings
- I authentically admit my part in the problems we face
- The only way I lose face is by not being true to my Vision and Values
- Change starts with me, I must be the change I want to see in the world.

With those internal assumptions the behaviours that I demonstrate are as follows
- Being trusted by others (you make people feel safe)
- Having high personal integrity
- Directly and clearly addressing issues
- Speaking directly to issues without trying to smooth things over
- Acting courageously in personal interactions and meetings
- Respecting others opinions even if you disagree with it
- Staying open and honest about what you think and feel (even when you feel under attack)
- Managing conflict directly and openly with authenticity
- Surfacing issues that others are reluctant to talk about
- Speaking openly and confronting peers and authority when needed
- Being counted on to meet your commitments
- Exhibiting behaviour that is consistent with your Values
- Living your vision even when it involves taking risks
- Taking responsibility for your part in relationship issues

Where do you walk your talk?
Where do you struggle?
What happens when you are faced with inauthentic people?
How do you respond?
What is your role?
What is the value to you personally of being more of who you are naturally?
My Mantra is by being more of who I am naturally 'I can have more impact with less effort', that doesn't mean it is easy to undo the habits of the past.
What habits do you have left over from the past that no longer serve your vision of the future and the values you want to live your life by today?

Finding a life of fulfillment starts with the journey to Self-awareness........

2011-08-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

If you score high on the self-awareness scale you will have some or all of these assumptions;
You'll know that you are inherently worthy and you'll feel secure from the Inside out.... and you'll know that it is not made up of how others see you, or by how you perform.
You know that inner development is the key to grow into more of who you are naturally and that we all, you included, contain a mix of strengths and weaknesses, of light and dark.
You know that the key to accepting others is to first do the work of self-acceptance, which enables you to know that when you find things that are unacceptable in others, it reflects aspects of yourself for which you are not taking responsibility.

The behaviours associated with scoring high on the scale of self-awareness are that you will show composure under pressure, knowing that others judgement of you matters less than your own internal compass.
You will be able to balance the demands of an adult life not sacrificing yourself or making yourself a victim or a martyr. You will not only be open to give and receive feedback you will openly welcome the opportunity to hear the impact your behaviour is having on others and strive to have the impact you intend.
You will also be willing and able to provide direct non-blaming feedback. In fact you will strive to provide information on the impact of behaviour on you plus point the other person to a place where they could have greater impact.
You are willing to admit your mistakes and use times when you fail as well as successes as a place to point yourself in terms of self-development.
You are willing and able to laugh at yourself and your situation and you take time to understand your own and others motivations, strengths and weaknesses.

So, self-awareness is where the journey from reactive strategies to creative competency starts. How aware are you of your internal assumptions and the behaviour they create?
Were do you solicit feedback and ask for areas of growth to focus on?

Or are you like me and say to yourself on a daily basis,
'Oh no, not another f***ing learning opportunity'....

Enjoy your journey of self-awareness and treasure every discovery as an explorer would when they find a new Island, country or animal species, be amazed by the complexity of the human race and be curious about the parts of yourself that you have yet to discover!

What is Self-awareness and why does it matter....

2011-08-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

As I said earlier the Antidote to Protecting Strategy are the Creative Competencies of Self-Awareness, Authenticity and Systems Awareness. I will go on to talk about Self-Awareness in detail and before I do here is a reminder of the Assumptions and Behaviours that come from a learned and habitual use of the Protecting Strategy....

Assumptions are...
for me to be right, others have to be wrong
I am worthwhile if I am right and find the weakness in others
I am valuable because of my superior capability and insight
I am not good enough
I am safe and acceptable if I remain small, uninvolved and avoid risk

and Behaviours those assumptions create are....
Holding back and watching how situations unfold
Identifying what is wrong, illogical or lacking in plans, people or situations
Seeing the flaws in others thinking, feelings, speaking and actions
Always analyising what is right or wrong
Constant Judgement of self and others

The point of these blogs is to create the awareness that a fulfilled life comes from unlearning Reactive Strategies and re-learning Creative Competencies. A short cut to this is to get your Leadership Circle Profile done - so that you know where to start. Once you are certified in the TLC Profile, the Coaching Principles of Fulfillment, Balance and Process are the ideal tools to enable a coach to work with clients in service of their desire to move from the use of Reactive Strategies to Creative Competencies.

Anyway, back to the Creative Competency of Self-awareness as an antidote to the Reactive Strategy of Protecting.

Self-awareness is the on-going personal commitment to personal and professional development. It is also the degree to which your inner-self awareness is expressed through, balanced perspectives and high Integrity (values based) Leadership. This can be Leadership in your life and or Work, of your family, your community or your Leadership in fully expressing your lifes purpose. Please do not make the assumption that this is about Corporate Leadership only - it is that and it is much, much more.

If you have high Self-awareness then you have developed a sense of your life's purpose, you are vital and alive, you act from your internal compass (inner knowing, values etc). You consciously express your values in who you are being and what you are doing, you are trusted by others to 'walk your talk' and people respect you as someone who acts with Integrity (honours your values).

In addition, your sense of self-esteem is based upon an inherent appreciation of life as a journey of learning and development. You are not perfect and you accept that. In fact, you have a greater sense than most of your imperfections and you are always aware of making your peace with them.

You have the ability to be with the Paradox that shows up in yourself, others and the world. So, you accept the weak and under developed parts of yourself as a place to point yourself for inner growth, knowing that there will always be those parts in yourself and others.

You also admit it when you make mistakes and hurt others, and you use these experiences to improve your relationship with yourself and others.

You become less defensive when others criticize you, you are aware that the more you stretch yourself and follow your life purpose the more you leave yourself open to and available for the criticism of others.

You have less to defend because you are aware of the complexity within yourself, and this frees you up to engage powerfully and compassionately with others.

You lead in a way which strengthens the innate capabilities of others and when you see the weaknesses in others you are reminded of your own struggle to grow. Instead of Judging them you actually want them to grow and you actively want to be in service of their growth.

Others talents or successes do not intimidate you and this allows you to surround yourself with very capable people with whom you celebrate their achievements and growth!

How are you with holding the Paradox of right and wrong, strength and weakness, lightness and dark that lives within us all. Are you able to let go of living in a world of 100% either black or white, yes or no, right or wrong and invite the complexities of allowing these opposites to live within you and to allow them to live in the others around you??

Where are you on the scale of Self-awareness?
More to come on Assumptions and behaviours.....

What behaviours do those beliefs create in us and others.......

2011-07-28T06:20:00.001-07:00

If our beliefs are our 'operating system' then they drive our behaviours, they are the external expression of our internal assumptions.... so if the antidote to Protecting is Authenticity (and self and systems awareness - more to come later on those). Then what behaviour do those internal feelings of self-worth, strong self-esteem, personal integrity and personal power create.

The behaviours associated with Authenticity beliefs are

Being trusted by others, Having high personal integrity,

Directly addressing issues that get in the way of relationships or team performance

Speaking directly to the issues without smoothing them over

Acting courageously in personal interactions and meetings

Being able to respect someone else's opinion even if you disagree with it

Staying open and honest about what you think and feel

Managing conflict directly and authentically

Being willing to bring up and talk about issues that others are reluctant to talk about

Confronting people, including superiors, when needed

Being counted on to meet your commitments

Exhibiting personal behaviour consistent with your values

Taking responsibility for your part in relationship and other problems

Speaking openly in the presence of 'authorities'

Living by an effective set of core values

Holding on to your values during good and bad times

Living your vision in every encounter even when that requires risk.

So, you live your life Authentically, give real feedback, have real conversations and you admit your mistakes. You put yourself at risk for what you believe and value openness over popularity. Integrity and authenticity are what people trust the most. It is the source of your power!

Now have think about how familiar these behaviours are and which beliefs they come from ... and notice they are not just what we expect of ourselves, this is who other people know us to be!

We are digging in to the Leadership Circle Profiling tool here and the Adult stages of development. There is a certification programme for TLC in London on 22nd Nov if you are curious and want to get certified in this material. Of course the way to get certified is to get your own profile completed and see how you perceive yourself and what the gap is in between that and how others perceive you. Give me a shout if you are interested in either having your own profile done or attending the certification in London.

During Certification you use your own profile to learn how to interpret the profile of others! It is very powerful work.

Thanks for reading....

What is the antidote.....

2011-07-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

Internal assumptions are the beliefs you use to organise your identity... and the antidote to protecting behaviour is Authenticity. Some internal assumptions associated with Authenticity include...

I am worthy whether people approve of me or not, whether I succeed or not

Self worth, freedom, and security are in my own hands

My greatest source of power is my personal integrity (being true to myself)

It is more important to me to remain true to myself than to live up to others expectations

I am OK, even if I make mistakes or hurt other peoples feelings

I authentically admit my part in the problems we face

The only way I lose face is by not being true to my Vision and Values

Change starts with me, I must be the change I want to see in the world....

More on the behaviours these beliefs create at a later date....

Where do you 'come' from.......

2011-07-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

So, depending on where I come from (or who I am being) the 'doing' will have a different meaning.

Am I going to the gym because I want to keep my body fit and healthy and honour my value of longevity? Or am I going to the gym because I 'have to!’

Am I hiring a coach because I want to the personal growth, or am I hiring a coach because it says I have to have one during my leadership programme? So I am fulfilling the requirements and 'ticking the boxes'.

Can you feel the difference in the 'come from’? One comes from an external place, so that this or that does or doesn't happen to me, or so that this or that person gets what they want. The other comes from a place of being connected to oneself and ones values....

The place you come from ‘infects’ the thing you are doing with the attitude you have in your approach to it. Where do you have an approach or an attitude that empowers and supports the things that you choose to do? Also, think about where you have an attitude or approach that dis-empowers the things you choose to do.

A very wise person once said to me that people typically show up in one of two ways, as a victim of circumstance or as someone who treats whatever happens to them as an opportunity to learn and grow… which type of person are you? Which type do you want to be?

As I write this I am reminded of the book ‘power and love’ by Adam Kahne and the distinction that he makes between ‘generative’ and ‘degenerative’ Power and Love….

I know that is a bit of a left turn for some of you, or maybe not. The point being that Generative Power and Love are the way to create real change in the world. What I mean by generative is to give power to, to empower people. To treat them as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, knowing that nothing is broken and nothing needs fixing.

I believe that we have Generative or Degenerative attitudes to things and to people and that depending on our attitude we may or may not have the impact we desire.

How do we step out of those degenerative positions and step into generative beings, who know we are loved and who know we are good enough. Who understand that we are loved and respected and that is true all of the time, not just some of the time. People don’t get upset with each other because of what they believe; people get upset because of a behaviour or lack of behaviour. Because we either do or don’t do something that someone was expecting.

How do we stop running away from people, how do we stay engaged, even and more importantly when the going gets tough? Staying engaged in a generative way and saying in dialogue and holding on to the fact that people don’t get upset with us as people, they just get upset at the way we behave. It’s really important to remember this in all of the systems we work in or are part of. Why? Well because we all make mistakes and if we can’t stay engaged life will become isolated and lonely.

Where do you stay and where do you run away?

What is it all about really......

2011-07-09T14:36:00.000-07:00

What I am processing right now is the fact that I am noticing, for me personally and for the lots of the other people in my life, what makes all the difference in the actions we take is 'where is the action coming from'. So, going back to the complying, controlling and protecting reactive strategies I talked about previously, they 'pretty much' all come from a place of 'not being enough'....

So, think about that, 'where are you coming from in the actions you take?'

Also I notice that actions that come from the place of not being enough are usually about coping with the circumstances of now, explaining and justifying how we got to where we are and why it's important to dwell on the past and coping with now. Usually, there seems to be 'struggle' that is going on when this happens. God do I remember how much energy I used to use up trying to change 'what is'. So what if we decide to let go of judgement around 'what is' and just let it be.
Can you feel the freedom of 'it is, what it is'.

I good friend of mine reminded me of the Serenity Prayer yesterday, not just the first couple of sentences, more importantly the lesser known second part of the prayer, here's a reminder for those of you who are unfamiliar with it.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

What if we just accepted that way of being. How would your world look, feel, be different?

I am personally going to 'chew' on that for a while. I guess my initial impression is, how do I do this when those around me aren't, can't or don't know how.... Anyway, as usual I will start with myself. Here's the place I am looking, Oh! this is brilliant, where do I come from when I see these former behaviours in others, do I just allow them to process it for themselves or do I jump in and try to fix it for them?

Talk about layers......

2011-06-25T03:54:00.001-07:00

Well, what can I say, how long have I been doing this work for? Nearly ten years now and still I have learning about how it unfolds over time.
I had a very sad personal experience recently, the loss of a good friend to Cancer after a four and a half year battle - she fought hard to keep her dignity and always remained determined to maintain the best quality of life she could, until the very end.

I had been with Ruth when she went for her first Chemo appointment, it was distressing to see someone who had always put a 'brave face on' scream in the distress as the nurses were not able to get the needle into her vein to start the treatment. This first visit has left a huge mark on me and my experience that day really helped me to understand that honoring values is does not always feel good at the time. Now, however I am so proud that I was with her, not just on that day but on every appointment for her first round of Chemo and then again when she got diagnosed as the tumor reappeared after a small time in remission.

As my friend got sicker she withdrew from her extended friendships and focused her energy on her family and grandchildren and very closest friends. I tried to contact her on many occasions and although we talked, briefly and emailed some we didn't really see much of each other in the last year of her life. I realised after our last conversation on 31st October 2010 that the next time I would be with Ruth would be her Funeral. And that turned out to be true!

As I write this, (bye the way, after the initial sorrow and tears at the time she died, I have been in neutral about this topic for about 3 weeks) I notice that it is starting to stir things (emotions) up inside me. I like that feeling.

I believe that my sadness around Ruth's death is without doubt the loss of a dear and loving friend with whom I shared lots of professional experiences at work. I will always remember our first meeting, which happened to be in a smoking room when she was talking about the people she was managing at the time. Ruth had a sharp mind and sometimes an even sharper tongue. Anyway, she said that the people she was working with only walked straight because they had a 'chip on both shoulders', well I laughed until I almost cried.... so I miss those times and the times after she retired when we shared holidays and other experiences together.

Her loss has also opened something else up in me, I realised that those people who I had expected to be there for me, were not. No calls, no emails not even a cyber hug! That hurt me a lot and I was bewildered, shocked and stunned at this. I had people from my Choir calling me and hugging me in the street, people at the gym doing the same and friends of myself and Ruth were able to support each other, all of which was a great help to me.

The realisation of the old pattern came just a few days ago, and to be honest I am quite shocked at this discovery myself, so stick with me, this might get messy! The realisation I had was, this is the same pattern that has shown up all my life in intimate relationships, I am always there, I always lean in, sometimes more that 100% and guess what, the pattern is that quite often I fall over! Because the people I was leaning in to, can not, or do not lean back to stop me from falling.

It makes me sad to admit this to the world and yet I know it is true, my Gremlin in having a field day right now, telling me I'm not lovable and its because they think I am so independent that I don't need help. What I know to be true is that I have a value around 'being there' for people and clearly I also want people to 'be there' for me. So, when they are not I feel alone and isolated and very sad.

This has both painful and great learning all at the same time. What I am most proud of during this experience is that I have owned my own emotions, I have not placed blame on others and projected my needs onto others as their inadequacy. I have stayed with the emotions until something shifted, some realisation happened and some learning took place within me.

I am now ready to engage in conversation about this experience and this blog has helped me to create learning around this whole experience too. I didn't have much idea what I was going to write today and yet when I put finger to keyboard, it just seemed to flow.

With love to you and those you love, alive or not, may you remember them always. The priest at Ruth's service said 'people die twice, the first time physically and the second time when they are forgotten'. Ruth will never be forgotten nor will the learning she gave to me in my friendship with her when she was alive and the gift she left me with as she passed on to the next world. Thank you my friend.

I'm leaving this blog with tears in my eyes and love in my heart.

Are you moving towards, away from or against people?

2011-06-20T05:05:00.000-07:00

Interesting eh! What did you notice about your behaviours?

Are you moving against people? Do you demonstrate any of the following?
Compete with people? Set exacting standards? Strive for perfection?
Need to get your own way? Do you .....
Exert tremendous effort and energy to achieve goals? Speaking directly and bluntly?
Push yourself and others to win? Take charge in most situations?

Are you moving away from people? Do you demonstrate any of the following?
Holding back to see how situations unfold?
Identifying what is wrong, illogical or lacking in plans?
Do you see the flaws in others' thinking, speaking and actions?
Are you always analysing what is right and wrong all the time?

Are you moving towards people? Do you demonstrate any of the following?
Being a do-gooder?
Saying 'yes' when you really mean 'no'?
Cautiously managing what you do to stay in the good grace of others?
Calibrating the emotional climate in situations to see if it is safe to speak?
Double checking with Authority/Hierarchy before taking any action?
Couching your speech so that others will not have a strong emotional response?

There are gifts and costs the these behaviours and usually the impact depends on the receiver!
Yes I know, that's a downer isn't it - the impact you have is typically different depending upon who you are in dialogue with or being with at the time.

Where I would point you (any myself) is to notice the emotional impact on yourself of these behaviours and know that whatever you are experiencing is of your own choice. There may be nothing happening with the other person or people you are interacting with.

We could save ourselves a lot of time and effort in simply noticing our learned behaviours and asking ourselves the question. How does this serve me? and Where does it get in my way?
Then choose the behaviours that serve you and get curious about what beliefs create the behaviours that get in your way.

What are the beliefs you are attached to that no longer serve you?
Get writing.....

How our beliefs impact our behaviour....

2011-05-14T02:13:00.000-07:00

Of course I hear you say - Doh! And think about it... when do you sit down and get conscious of all those beliefs? I just did some work with Rick Carson the author of Taming you Gremlin (an amazing man and an amazing book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Taming-Your-Gremlin-Revised-Surprisingly/dp/0060520221/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1305377865&sr=1-1) the strap line of which is, a surprisingly simple method of getting out of your own way. The point being that Rick says that beliefs are just opinions that we have become attached to. Think about that, just an opinion that you have become attached to.

Here are some very common beliefs;
Fast is good and slow is bad. More is better. Less is better. Guilt has value. Being busy means I'm valued. If I'm dedicated and work hard they'll look after me. If I am honest and open then everyone else will be too.

Now, there is nothing wrong with these as opinions or even positions to take at some point in our lives about some circumstances. However, the issue arises when these opinions become a 'way of life', when we make rules up, that define this is the way it is, and this is how we act and react to all circumstances we are faced with and that these beliefs are 'the truth'.

In conjunction with the Rick Carson work, I have also being doing lots of work around the 'Adult stages of development' and strangely enough this work talks about the strategies we deploy as children in order to stay safe and be loved. So, lets explore that for a while before coming on to what those strategies are. See http://www.amazon.co.uk/Our-Inner-Conflicts-Constructive-Neurosis/dp/0393309401/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1305377669&sr=8-2 and http://www.amazon.co.uk/Immunity-Change-Potential-Organization-Leadership/dp/1422117367/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1305377827&sr=1-1

As children we are born into a 'land of giants', we are at their mercy and there is no doubt that they are in charge. The adults in our lives can give us too much love, not enough love, they can involve us in arguments that don't involve us, or ask us to take sides. They can give us too much responsibility or not enough. Too much freedom or not enough freedom and so on and so forth.

At a very young age we decide on 'typically' one of three strategies to survive in this 'land of giants', where the adults make all the rules. Controlling, Protecting or Complying are all reactive strategies we use to respond to external circumstances or influences and we all do some, or all of them as children and habitually we bring some of that behaviour into our adult lives.

Controlling is about being the best, knowing what needs to happen and taking action, it's about getting the job done, it's about being as good or better than the adults who are in charge, so that we will be accepted and therefore safe - they will admire and appreciate us, if not look up to us.

Protecting is about being the expert and keeping it to ourselves, so we distance ourselves and we look on from afar, knowing the answers, knowing what needs to happen and being unwilling or unable to engage. If we keep our distance then we are safe and no-one can hurt us.

Complying is about being in relationship, its about moving towards people, focusing on people, its about wanting to be liked and connecting with the people who have power without wanting to have the power oneself. So that the powerful people will take care of us.

So, I am going to stop my output here for now.... and ask you to do some work....

1) Take a moment to write down your beliefs, and the behaviours they create. Try not to get into analysis, simply notice what they are.

Once you have done that, take a break and when the time is right then come back and
2) have a think about what reactive strategies you learned as a Child that are still present in your behaviour today.

More to come.....

Our view on the world creates the experience we have of it....

2011-04-04T03:30:00.001-07:00

I feel compelled to write about my learning from a coaching class I led this weekend in London. The class was all about conscious choice and finding a powerful perspective to view your situation from, for the sake of creating from possibility rather than circumstance.

Firstly, I personally had a 'breakthrough' or 'light bulb' moment this morning myself about the way I was viewing the weekend and the attitude I had.... it was very powerful for me to realise that although my point of view was powerful, with one small 'tweak' I could have really shifted something that bothered me! I am so interested and excited about the simplicity of this work and yet the complexity of us as human beings. I think that is why, when we run these courses, every one is a different experience, with a different group and a different set of leaders.

It is a great lesson for all of us to know that we, as human beings, are the things that change our own and others experience of life. Also within the experience we share with others, we actually do not share the same experience, we may be in the same room, viewing the same material, coaching or working experentially with people - and still, we will not experience it in the same way! How cool is that!

Now when we expand that experience to the rest of our lives, of course that means that when we are in relationships with others, we are having different experiences in the same relationship. Doh! I hear you say! So, if that is true - how much permission do we give ourselves to get curious about what is going on for the other person? How much responsibility do we take for sharing our experience of the relationship with them? Or do we just default to blaming them or making them wrong! This is a huge subject to simply notice your own habits around.

Where are you blaming others for your attitude towards them, or your point of view on them??

Where are you stuck in the place of being a victim or villain or hero, any of these perspectives or points of view automatically create the other two roles for other people in your life.

So, you can't be a victim unless someone else is being the villain and if you are being the victim then your a probably waiting for someone to come and rescue you from the villain... and be your hero... this is so fascinating to explore. The only way out is to get into a more powerful perspective on the subject.

Finding powerful perspectives to view ourselves and the world creates a rainbow of colour in our lives, it removes the black and white and allows us to experience lots of colours, creativity and spontaneity in our lives. Can you imagine getting curious about how everyone else was viewing their experience of life and coming from a place of not knowing.... well that is our job as Coaches are Leadership Trainers.

How would being in a place of not knowing serve you in your life? What or who would you get curious about? What would there be to celebrate about that? What would be fascinating about that? I know some of you won't understand the next statement - and I know some of you will.

So, as I sit here on my 'Bench' and view my world, I see that I can create a more powerful experience for myself by making some very small 'tweaks'. Happy me!

Pushing the boundaries.....

2010-10-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

Where are your boundaries..... and what is their purpose? Are they there to protect you? Or are they there to keep you playing small. What is your hearts desire? What stops you from reaching out and creating that world? You can do it, we all can, once we have that Vision, that purpose in life, and the passion and energy to make it happen. We can create anything we want.

Four or five years ago I had a vision of what I wanted my life to be like. (Bye the way, writing this blog today is one way that I am using to stay present to what I have created. It's hard for me to Stay present to it and not to create the next vision or plan or just move on quickly).

I didn't cross the t's or dot the i's and I did know the flavour of what I wanted. How many days I wanted to work, the kind of work I wanted to do, the impact I wanted to have etc. So, I set off on my Journey, one step at a time. When people put obstacles in the way, sometimes I fought with them, some times I surrendered, some times I bypassed them. The one thing I always did was keep hold of the vision of what I was trying to create and the impact I was trying to have!

I worked with Mentors and Coaches, I learned about me, I stretched myself and I surprised myself too. Here is the biggest surprise of all - the more I stretched myself, the more of me I found - that was and still is a bit of a shock to me. I stretched myself in many ways, physically, emotionally and logically. I took Acting and Singing lessons, I went to a couple of fitness boot camps, I learned that I liked taking risks, at work and at home and that I enjoy the energy that it creates in me.

I asked for what I wanted and stayed around long enough to see if I had to negotiate... and I got really clear with myself about what I was willing to sacrifice for the sake of creating the impact I wanted to have..... I remember, just before going to call on the GM of my company to ask for his support, one of my mentors asked me 'Will you still have a job if the GM doesn't support you?' and I replied 'Yes, I will still have a job - the question I will have to ask myself is, do I still want to do it'.... my reply was immediate, I didn't have to think about it and it came from a grounded place. I was not being arrogant, although I understand it could have come across that way.

I asked the Man I loved to leave his wife and kids to create the relationship we said we wanted. I gave him the space to think about it, knowing that we had been having an affair for many years and that was no longer enough for me. He said that he couldn't leave them and so I understood. I cried (a lot) and I walked away for the final time, knowing that loving him was not enough for me to be fulfilled. Also knowing that if I had stayed I would be selling out on myself.

Have a met the man of my dreams, no not yet! And what I do know is that there is space in my life and in my heart for him when he is ready to show up and show up he will, and soon!

I am pleased I found a way to write this blog that feels like it comes from a humble place, when I came back to a draft of this that I started earlier, I didn't like what I had written, it sounded like it was all about Ego and that is not the intent of this. My intent as I write this is to inspire you to have a Vision or a dream of how you want your life to be and then set out on your journey of discovery and start creating it, one step at the time!

Oh and bye the way, I find it hard to distinguish between fear and excitement these days!
How cool is that!

.... and that is when the Magic happens

2010-08-21T06:54:00.000-07:00

when I am open and available it means I can ask for what I want (coming from a place of good intention and not to be collapsed with ego) and leave room for a yes, no or a counter offer. Somehow, all the stress is removed from the situation and it feels easy and spacious.

I may or may not get what I want, that isn't the point, the point is that I have the courage to ask for it and, if I do get a NO in response to my request - then all I have to do is ask myself, 'so if I can't have that, is there any point in holding on to it?' or should I rethink and go for something I can have which will enable me to create the same impact in my life?' I know this sounds simple, and it is, it is very very simple and yet profound all at the same time. Imagine asking for what you want and at the same time, no being attached to getting it! Now, that's a paradox if I ever heard one.

What is funny to me about this is that I have been around this loop many, many times. At first my requests were, silly little things, almost cheeky and playful and I wasn't attached because to be honest the things I was asking for were not 'that' important to me. What I have noticed is that, as time has passed, the things I ask for have got bigger and more important to me and therefore the risks have got bigger too.

Now, what I have to say at this point is true and it sounds like ego, and it is not. So, this is all coming from a Woman who usually gets what she wants... its true, all my life, I have, pretty much got what I wanted. So, maybe I just made sure that I wanted things I could have - who knows - that is something I will get curious about. Back to asking for what I want... and taking risks, I realise now that the risk I am taking is the risk of rejection, being told no, we don't want you!

This is huge for me, and the reason, well the reason is that I have spent most of my life, living it in a way that meant I didn't get rejected.... as rejection was my biggest fear. It seems so simple now to say, once I stopped rejecting myself I lost my fear of being rejected by others... once I stopped rejecting myself I lost my fear of being rejected by others... that deserves a minutes silence.

Having finished my minutes silence I have to say that it has taken a lot of work, a lot of inner soul searching and a lot of experiential learning on my part to get to this place. I also notice the only part of my life that isn't the way I would like it is my relationship (or lack of one). So, is that the place for me to look next, is that the place to risk being rejected in order to have the loving, parthership I want with a man. It feels a little scarey to me, so that is definately the place to look! I know, sad isn't it, that when its scarey, I know there is 'juice' there for me.

OK, so that's the place for me to put my energy into moving forwards. Letting go of old relationships that no longer serve my needs or allow me to honour my values and stepping into new relationships to create the loving partnership I want.

Horray for me! Where ever you are Mr Right I'm coming to get you. Hold on to your hats!

Being open and available to be created from.....

2010-05-24T05:40:00.000-07:00

I have no idea if any of you reading this will even understand the statement above, so let me try and explain. I believe that in order to create from other people and other things I first have to put my attention on them, I also believe that if I want others to create from me that I have to be open and available in order for them to do that.

In my line of work, Leadership and Coaching, I am the tools of my trade, there is nothing else, I carry my tool box around with me, my tool box is my body, heart and soul and if I my heart is open and available to be created from, even at the risk of having my heart broken, well then I am walking my talk and I am being the person in the world that I am meant to be.

Easier said that done I hear you say, well that is so true. I just had a realisation this week which has metaphorically 'taken my legs from under me'! You got it, I realised that there are times and situations in my life where I shut down, where I close myself off from others and I do not allow myself to be available to be created from. I can think of many situations that I have been working on with my coach, where the basic issue is, I take my toys home.... I go inside.... I close my heart to others.... I put up my armour and I stop being available.

Wow! What I huge realisation, as yet this is new and it is still unfolding, so I don't know why or how or can not make any sense of it, other than I know I do it, or did it, up until now!

As I type this blog I can feel my chest contracting, almost turning inwards which is the feeling that happens when I close myself off to others. I know it happens when I am feeling judged, I know it happens when I think someone is trying control me, I know it happens when I open my heart and then I find out that others either do not want to, or do not know how to open their hearts to me.

And here is the biggest learning, I allow myself to be compromised, I give in and become a victim of the circumstances, instead of understanding the others point of view and moving my perspective (allowing myself to be influenced) to align with the circumstances that now show up.
This is the biggest learning of all, I can, if I choose to, still do the same things, still be in the same circumstances AND to consciously choose to come from a more powerful perspective, which is open and available, rather than closed and unavailable.....

So from here on in I will notice when this happens and my intention is to try and stay open, even if my body had been trained (by me) to have a habitual reaction, which is to close.

More to come on this one, I know......

So, the more is here already (two days later), what has become clearer to me now is that when I notice that I am starting to feel compromised or to compromise myself, I can do one of two things to escape this trap.... I can either
a) consciously change the circumstances I find myself in OR
b) accept the circumstances and consciously change my perspective
This way I remain powerful and do not become a victim or compromise myself..

This is big learning and I am reminded what the great and the good in the leadership training world say that........ most leaders spend a lot of time understanding the practice of leadership, rather than practicing their understanding of leadership. Thank God I practice my understanding every day, it makes me a richer, more wholesome human being.

I love my work!

Being Complete....

2010-03-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

I feel a strange sense of being complete at the moment, what does that mean I hear you say? Good question, I guess it means I am at peace with myself, in integrity with myself, honouring myself and not in a way which is all about me or not in a way which is self absorbed.

I was struggeling for a while about how I could find closure around something and I realised that, I found closure when I opened my heart up, when my heart is open I can see more clearly how important it is to me to be in integrity with myself. What is important is to be in a healthy, loving relationship with myself - from this place the world is a much safer, fun place.

What is it to be complete? It is to have a feeling of lightness, of wholeness, of trust and of knowing. It is a calm place where things happen because they are meant to, where life is fun and alive and the world is just looking down upon you, just waiting for you to notice the sign that it has sent, where the universe is flirting with you and all you need to do is to be awake long enough to notice what is going on. To be complete is to be in sync or in rythum with the natural cycle of the world.

I feel like I have let go of something I have been holding on to for a very long time.... I can't quite put my finger on what it is exactly and yet it feels like something big. When I first started my leadership training I realised that I had been living my whole life through a fear of rejection - everything I did, every waking moment, every action and reaction was driven by a fear of being rejected. If I do this will I get rejected, if I do that I won't get rejected, my God I wasted so much time and energy worrying about whether other people were going to reject me or not.

And so it unfolds again for me. So, this feeling is one of acceptance, one of inner knowing and trust in myself that I don't need (not want, don't need) external reassurance to know that I am complete, I don't have to have the approval of others or the presence of others in order to know that I am OK and in fact better than OK....

It is being at peace with myself and the world, that is what this feeling is....

Yum, this is a nice place I'm staying here for a while....

What is it to lead from the inside out.....

2010-01-31T06:22:00.000-08:00

I know there is juice in this inquiry even before I start to type....

I chose this inquiry because I realise that this is a very important subject for me, its about how I live my life and how I model the work that I do in the real world. In the last blog I felt as if I was being led from the outside in and when I processed that feeling (with my Coach) I described it as feeling like someone had a hold of the bottom of my stomach and was trying to turn me inside out! It was painful and it hurt, lots!

We are so much creatures of habit, I can't tell you and the more I do this work the more I realise that I am my very best example of humanity to practise this material on, my god, the learning never stops, its a good job that learning is a value of mine, right!

So, What is it to lead from the inside out.... well it is to ask for what you want and stick around long enough to see if you have to negotiate.... that's one thing that it is, its also about not be attached to specific outcomes...... it's about being open enough to know that whatever shows up, you can work with, in whatever form. So, what comes to me is that its about trust, trust in myself as an individual and as a human being, with flaws and all that comes with those flaws, its about trusting me in all the roles I perform, as a Daughter, a Sister, a Lover, a Coach, a Trainer, a Student, a Client and a Woman whatever role I am in, I know that I can rely on me.

A very good friend and respected leader once said to me, you know I look at life like this.
We are given a body, some time and the ability to choose - what we create from those three things basically defines the life we live! Think about that, It doesn't get more simple than that... some time, a body and the ability to choose!

So, what are you doing and how are you being - with your time, your body and your ability to choose?

What I am doing is, travelling, having fun, engaging in work that I am passionate about and staying focused on the impact I want to have on my world. How am I being along the way? I am being engaging, passionate, relaxed, courageous, funny, gentle, kind, bold and loving. Sometimes grumpy, sad and always authentic!

To lead from the inside out, is to be conscious and aware of what is going on outside of me, to see how the people and organisations around me are operating and to be conscious enough to know whatever they throw at me, I can create learning from it.... I can stay on course and keep a hold of myself on the inside, no matter what is happening on the outside. I can choose not to be derailed, just because something or someone on the outside of me has done something I don't like, or created some circumstances that I was not expecting....

To lead from the inside is to let go of, 'Just in case' or 'what if' and wasting energy focusing on things which have not happened yet, far better to be in the moment, enjoying that moment rather than spending time and energy on things that may or may not happen in the future. Don't get me wrong there are some things that we can predict, Death, old age, taxes, so yes have some strategies to cope with or prepare for these... The other stuff that your Gremlin makes up, let go of that, free yourself of the baggage and energy that it takes from you!

So, for me, to lead from the Inside out is to be clear about what is important to me, to honour my values, it is to take myself over my emotional edges (have the hard conversation, ask for what I want and ask others for what they want) even if it makes me feel uncomfortable, for the sake of being authentic and feeling the aliveness that I feel when I fully engage with my world, with myself, the people around me and my everyday interactions. For me it is to be in conscious powerful life giving choice!

I am blessed to have found the work I do, I thank God that my path was pointed in this direction and I am so proud of myself, that I have taken so many risks in order to find this aliveness in my life!

Staying and leaving space......

2010-01-10T07:51:00.000-08:00

You know it is bizzar I have been doing this work for years and I only just realised that I have a massive Gremlin around one of my relationships, it is constantly nagging at me, what about this and what about that and what if this and what if that... oh my God it's driving me nuts and what does it feed on - you'll love this - it feeds on the fact that I have always got what I wanted in my life - blessed I am indeed, I know, and I don't mean that in an arrogant way - it is true however, that whenever I put my mind to something I usually get it...

So, what happens when I don't get what I want, well if there is only me to contend with I will usually find a way, for example, when I wanted to buy more holiday from work the other year and I was unable to, I just decided OK then we'll I'll reduce my working week to 4 days and that will mean I can have what I want.

I have to say I am feeling quite exposed as I write this and I am going to continue writing it anyway because I know there is learning here for me! My challange is to stay engaged and present and give him the space he needs whilst knowing he loves me and at the moment we can't be together as much as we'd like to be.

I love space, emotionally and physically and yet I find it hard to 'let go' and just be with the fact that we love each other but can't be to together at the moment. I have to say as I write this I am feeling physically sick and that is unusual for me, very few things have that physical and emotional impact on my body these days.... what is it? I wonder..

My Gremlin is feeding off something here and I just can't quite put my finger on it. It is something about all or nothing, this has been a huge issue in my life and slowly but surely I have worked my way through it, at home and at work and in my friendships and other relationships and yet somehow with this one person the pattern still shows up.

That's what it is, it's the paradox of staying engaged and leaving space all at the same time. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! That's it, I don't know how to stay in this relationship and have all the space and time I need or want. It's like I have made up a rule that if you are in a relationship it has to be 'on' all the time, in fact he used to say to me, why does it have to be all or nothing.... and I used to laugh to myself and dismiss it but its true, that is what is going on for me, and because its more 'off' than 'on' I am having trouble in coping with being in a relationship and not be in each others pockets - this is great!

I say all the time, 'Oh God, I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship that was 24x7 it would kill me!' And yet deep down I don't know how to do anything else - this must be a deeply held belief of mine and its something like - if your in a relationship then you have to be together more than you are alone, or something like that! This make so much sense to me now, I am working on the Adult Stages of Development and reading 'Immunity to Change' by Robert Keegan as well as reading all 'The Leadership Circle' material that I have just been certified in... its amazing work and it talks a lot about having a goal and then behaving in a way which does not support the goal that you want to achieve..... which is exactly what is going on for me here... There is more work to do on this one I know and what a great realisation!

What is your impact on your world....?

2009-12-21T03:43:00.000-08:00

I've been toying with this question for weeks now, what is my conscious intentional impact.... I thought I understood those words... and I do in my head and yet I don't actually 'get' the impact I am having, even now when I think about some real examples I am frowning! So, lets see if we can dig into this a bit more. What is the conscious intentional impact I am trying to have?

Wow, that's a great questions, I noticed that I let out a huge burst of air from my mouth when I typed those words. Now I know what my clients feel like when I ask them a really powerful question... it feels like I have just 'nailed' myself and now I notice that I want to stop typing for fear of what is coming next.

OK here we go, my intended impact is to awaken people to the possibilities life has to offer when we are conscious and choosing our actions, knowing that there could be both an intended and an unintended impact of those choices. I want people to be inspired by my journey, I want them to want some of what I have created for myself, for themselves. I think I am doing OK on this front and it makes me happy to know that I can put a tick in that box. So, what else?

Well, I want to empower my clients to take risks to know that it's safe and scary to do so and that experiencing that whole range of emotion is what it feels like to be alive! I want them to know that they don't have to live the life that they have settled for, they can start to create the life of their dreams, right now, starting in this new moment.

You know I have a very clever Gremlin, he can make things much more complicated than they need to be. Lets just go with the first question - What is my impact on my world?

Well I inspire my colleagues to create the lives they want to live, I inspire coaches to take risks in order to be the best coach they can be, I am real, I am whole and I am broken all at the same time. So, my impact is Authentic, I do some great things and I mess up too, I don't have to try to hard to get things right all the time.... I have let go, I have chilled out and I have a lot of fun these days too. So, I guess the impact on my work colleagues is that they do see a transformation in me, at least the ones that have known me before I started my own personal journey of self discovery and awareness. That's a pretty cool impact!

Those that haven't known me during my own personal journey, I'd like to think that they see someone who had lived a life with many experiences and who has chosen the one that makes her happy and fulfilled, even if being happy and fulfilled is not easy! That's it, the impact I am having is that I show people it is possible to live the life of their dreams, if they have the courage to open their hearts, even if that means being rejected, in order to be fulfilled!

Wow, I got there in the end, and I know this is important and deep work for me because I am moved by that last discovery. I love my work!

OK So, as we move into 2010 what are the things I am choosing?
I am choosing to invest in collaboration (personal and professional)
I am choosing to have a bigger impact on the Corporate world
I am choosing to harvest my existing work investments
I am choosing to let go a one particular self limiting belief that holds me back.

As we move towards 2010 what is it that you want that is
a) new in your life
b) already in your life and you want to have more impact
c) where do you want to reap the rewards from past investments
d) what is it you are intending to say no to, in order to make room for new things (a)

Be bold, be brave and know that the only thing that is getting in the way of the life of your dreams, is the life you have settled for!

Wishing you joy and happiness over the festive season.

Creating change....

2009-11-02T03:16:00.000-08:00

I notice as I write this Blog that it too has become a habit and at least it is conscious and I am choosing to do it. What is it to create the space in our lives to actually attract the people and the work and the experiences that we want? How many times do you tell yourself, I can't - because.. or what if this or that happens....or worse how many times to we play it safe, do we stay in employment or relationships because they are predictable, because we know what to expect from them, because we know how to do or be.....it's all rather dull really isn't it.

Wouldn't life me more exciting if we did the things we didn't know how to do? If we mixed with people we didn't know how to mix with, if we experienced things that we have never experienced before. It is true that we live our lives in patterns, as human beings we just do.... and there is something about the patterns that makes life 'easier', we don't have to think about it. Oh my God, if we don't have to think then we are unconscious - who wants to live and unconscious life where we just exist, repeating pattern after pattern every day, week, month and year.... that's not a life! It is an existence....

So, the first thing we have to do is to get conscious, right! Sounds easy doesn't it? And it is not.
We have spent years creating our behaviours our patterns our 'way of life' we have made decisions, maybe years ago, that are still having an impact on our lives today and will continue to have an impact on our lives tomorrow. So how do we change what we have manifested? Well the first thing we do is to simply notice, does the life you have created for yourself serve you?
Notice that I am not saying that it's good or bad or right or wrong (they are all judgements based upon what society or other people might think) Does the life you have created Serve you?

There are some very important words in that Question, 'the life you have created' and 'Does it Serve you'. Often we blame others or organisations, we become victims of circumstance rather than taking charge of our own lives and creating what we want in the world. Now, we all know that if it were that simple, we would all do it.... so what stops us?

Firstly, as I said earlier one has to be conscious, once we are conscious then we can notice if what we have created does serve us or not. If the answer is not, my guess is that there are some values that are not being honoured, so simply notice what those values are and once conscious then you can choose to do something differently in order to honour those values. Thats step two of course, making conscious choices (and noticing your intended impact along the way) - are your intentions good? Most of us have good intentions, most of us do not set out to hurt people or to make a mess - and we are human which means we make mistakes..... give yourself permission to make mistakes, you will learn lots and life will be much more exciting. We make decisions every day, in fact we make decisions every minute of every day, give yourself a break and let go of needing to be right.... more to write on this topic and that is another blog!

Once we are making conscious choices, we are clearly saying NO to things which create space in our lives for the things we want to say YES to. For example, if I am saying No to watching telly this evening that is because I am saying YES to going to Salsa. The YESES are meaningless without the NOs..... if we want to create something different then we have to say NO to the things that don't serve us. Of course, saying YES and NO to things and people that we have not said yes and no to before (or for a while anyway) will bring up emotions in yourself and other people, so stay awake (as Billy Connelly would say) and notice the impact of your choices. There is an opportunity to learn from your emotions, they are your bodys way of letting you know something, when strong emotions come up within us, it is our body that is trying to get our attention. Be with your emotions and don't try to fix them or make them go away, they have wisdom for you, if only you stay around long enough with them to notice what the wisdom is.

So, there you go, its that simple, get conscious, honour your values, be in conscious choice and be aware of your impact (intended/unintended) and live the emotional process of you life. Keep doing it every day, thats how to create change in your world and that's the way to have conscious intentional impact in the world.

Feeling Whole.....

2009-09-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

It's funny, I know I am still waiting and yet I know now, that I am waiting for myself to process all of the Summers events, the breakup, the fitness boot camp, the acting classes the singing lessons - the huge lesson around knowing that I have to be in the moment and present to me, before I can be present and of service to others, to openning my heart fully to others and being available to be loved.... and its huge and I am still processing it all.

Whats great is that I feel great in my body at the moment, I feel so grounded and connected to myself and to those around me. Yet, I know I am processing, except - wait for it, there is something different this time. My body is processing and I am waiting for my brain to catch up - something significant shifted within me this summer and there is a wisdom in my body (that's the solid pole straight through my torso) which is a huge strength within me and I am letting go of trying to work out what is going on.

Oh my God, it just came to me, my body is waiting for my brain to acknowledge the huge journey I have been on - the huge personal development, the risks I've have taken, in my Job, in my relationships, with my family, with my heart. The fact I have let go of judgement and have been operating in this place for years now.... my body and my emotions are waiting for me to take a break to relax and to appreciate what I have, now, here in this moment.

Its funny because the only words that come to me are that I feel whole again, not that I was not whole before and not that I was broken before - I just feel like the journey I have been on has come full circle, 360 degrees, and, that the part that makes me feel complete is stretching my body to achieve physical achievements that I haven't done in years, finding Dance again and including that in my life has been soooooooooo fulfilling for me, it is so much a part of who I am and yet for years, I had excluded it from my life.

Hmmm, Wow, I love the way this blog serves me, I always learn when I put fingers to keyboard, some times more than others and what's fulfulling about blogging, is that I hear from some of the people that read my blog that I have inspired them into action, or helped them to understand themselves more and even just helped them to be open to processing emotions that previously they had been denying or blaming others for! Amen to whoever invented blogging.

Amen to getting so low that I knew I had to change something in my life, Amen to the journey I made the choice to take, Amen to not being attached to the outcome, Amen to being completely present to the journey, Amen to not waiting for others to create the circumstances I want in my life. Amen to falling out with friends in order to create a better understanding between us, Amen to deeper relationships, Amen to meaningful conversations, Amen to being able to treat everything as a learning opportunity.

Amen, to fun, laughter, singing and dancing, and one last Amen to physical, emotional and logical integration.

For now, I am complete....

Its me again, I had to add this bit. So, I went to a new choir last night, it was lovely we sang songs and had fun and generally do what all us human being were meant to do which is be in community with each other. Then we got to the end of the session and all the lights were turned off and the teacher lit a candle in the centre of the room, she then began to sing.... wait for it
AAAAAAAAMMMMMMMEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN - I couldn't believe my ears, call it coincidence or synchronicity (I'm going for the latter) yet it was like the whole choir were repeating the Amens I had written in this blog earlier yesterday. I was moved, the hair all over my body was standing on end - it was like a reinforcement of my discovery and a celebration of my journey. I am blessed - thank you!

What am I waiting for.......

2009-08-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

So, What a great inquiry that I have been sitting with now for almost 6 weeks.

This is how it came up, 3 coaches sitting at a table in Covent Garden and what do we come up with? We come up with the inquiry, what are we waiting for and give ourselves until the start of September to come up with something.

Well, I first started in a place of, ok well there is a Puppy, I've always wanted a puppy and have been known to stop strangers in the street to stroke their dogs - so that was one thing, and then there was the whole question of do I stay in London or what am I waiting for in order to move to my new place in Devon?

Then I went to the place of, you know, actually I am not waiting for very much. I have created a life which means I do the work I love for a comfortable living, I spend 2 ish weeks a month in Devon or London and visa versa, I travel a lot and to Spain in particular. And yet there is somthing missing.

I have had something stirred up in me within the last week or so, Assisting the leadership programme and doing Dance Camp is really shaking me up a bit - what is that.... its like a burning straight through my body, like a Red hot poker running straight down my throat and right through my body, exiting between my legs. Its like a calling forth, or a there's more here.
Or a 'What am I waiting for', like its all too easy, like its all too comfortable, like its all too cozy!

Yet, I know that I have jumped though hoops to make my life spontaneous and unpredictable and exciting and frighting too at times.... so what is this? I don't get stressed any more, I don't worry about money any more, I am really comfortable in my own skin, I trust myself, I know who I am and what I stand for. My life is spent stretching and finding new bits of who I am.... and yet something IS missing, I am waiting for something, now that's interesting, I hadn't thought of that inquiry in that way. Maybe I am waiting for something, genuinely, really waiting for something that will give me a sign as to what's next or what my next step might be...

OK I'm going to sit on that one for a while and see what shows up....
Until later....

Letting go.... all over again

2009-07-24T04:09:00.000-07:00

I feel sad today. Very sad and very alive all at the same time. Yesterday evening I had a conversation with my partner about our relationship and we decided to 'let go' of each other.
You see, right now we are not serving each other, we are not there for each other, we don't spend quality time together and we are not honouring or respecting each others values. Sigh...

And we love each other, its so hard to write this from such a deeply hurt place, the emotions are so raw for me today and I ache inside for him right now.... God the sensation is so strong it feel like something is pulling down on my heart, like its creating more space inside me! I don't know.

There are a lot of things I don't know today.... the world looks different somehow... and here is what I do know, I know I am alive and living my emotions fully, I know that I have said (more or less) strike that, most of what I wanted to say to him.

I have a desire within me that I could not fulfil in relationship with him, (I love that I just took ownership for that, I typed 'that he could not fulfil' first time around!) I am learning as I type, that I have a yearning that is incomplete. To side track I pulled an Angel card out of the deck the other week and it was entitled 'soul mate' and it encouraged me to give my relationship up to the Angels in order for them to work with me to find out if it is my 'soul mate' or if I had to make room in my life for my Soul mate to show up. I notice I took a very deep breath just then.

So, what I am noticing now is that maybe that's the space that is now left within me, maybe letting go of the emotions and the energy it takes to be in an unfulfilling relationship is what is needed for me to make the space and energy to be in a loving, caring, fulfilling and meaningful relationship in the future... who knows, who knows about the future!

Right now, I know we are incomplete, there are more words that will be spoken, there are more tears to cry and there are move hugs to be had and I will go to my grave knowing that at least I had the chance to love and be loved in my life and by an amazing, wonderful human being. You know who you are and I'll never stop loving you....and all I ask of you is to love me enough to let me go. I'm crying again....

All I know now is that my makeup is all over my face and I have a train to catch in less than an hour. So the as the real world takes over again, I will be with my sorrow and sadness and I'll try not to look like a weirdo on the train!

Letting go.....

2009-07-16T02:53:00.000-07:00

I notice as I search for the title of this blog that I am trying too hard to 'get it right'... so the title is about right. Interesting at my singing lesson on Tuesday that my singing teacher told me to relax and use the rest of my body to support my voice and that i was trying too hard. Where else does this show up in my life (I thought). Well, when I ski, I know that I use my muscles to make up for my lack of technique, maybe skiing could be easier too!

Then of course, I realised that this shows up all over the rest of my life, or at least it was a pattern in the past... (I also notice at this point that my Gremlin has a habit of always finding fault with me and always searching for where I could be better at things. So, I caught it and realised that actually this is an old pattern.....).

I have to say, just to have it pointed out to me around my singing has opened up a whole new area of self discovery for me. What I will say at this point is, after an hour of making silly noises and pulling funny faces, of zzzzing and nnnnngggging the tune, I then actually found my real voice and it was amazing..... it was like finding more of me, it was like being fully in touch with the essence of me and expressing it, out loud! Wow! And it was WOW!

I found the whole thing very moving. My teacher said I was very brave, to let go of all the things that were habitual and trust her. You know it didn't feel brave and yet it was about trusting myself and letting go of the old habits in search of something (I didn't know what) that would be more fulfilling!

Now who knew I was going to type that last line..... Isn't that what all my work is about, isn't that the essence of what we are all searching for..... I am quite struck by that discovery.

What is unfolding for me now is a true gift, I am noticing that in the past i would not have gone for singing lessons, due to the fear of being exposed and getting it wrong. So, I have moved such a long way to get to this point. What I notice now is that, it is only because I have done so much work in the other areas of my life, around letting go, that I was able to let go in my singing lesson! Isn't that amazing.... and there are other areas I have been working on that the singing will act as a great metaphor for.

I think of when I first decided to write a 'blog'. God, I was brave to write it straight from my heart and in a way that created learning and insight for me and as I have said before I know that I was letting myself be exposed to potential judgement or criticism - which is still the case.

What I also know now is that I have had some amazing feedback about my authentic style of writing and the insight that my posts have provided for people - I would never have had that level of feedback if I didn't take the risk of 'getting in wrong' or if I tried too hard to get it right.

The same is true in my singing, now that I am starting to really and truely believe that I can trust in myself I am leaving myself open to experience all the wonderful things life has to offer!

And I am still work in progress! I said to a client this morning, don't step over or ignore the things you are goood at just because they come easy to you! As the words came out of my mouth I know that they were in service of both my client and myself...

So, I guess the next post will be something about owning my gifts and coming from a place of humility....

Looking in the Mirror....

2009-06-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

Before I launch into this next Blog, I want to thank those of you who are reading and expressing your appreciation of my experiences and how it helps you learn. Learning is a big value of mine - thank you all.

So, where am I now, well...all sorts of things going on for me and I notice that when I went to write I was unsure of what to write about and then it hit me - I have been hesitant to look in the mirror that is being held up for me to see the great impact my work is having, and I also notice that I am unwilling to clearly look in the mirror and own my anger too. It is becoming clearer to me that both of these things are at the opposite ends of the scale of my identity, if we were talking process coaching you would say, one is right up the tube and the other is right down the tube and it is different than that and here's whats different, I can be in the experience of both of these extremes and I do regularly. What I am taking about here is OWNING both of these parts of me, really owning my greatness and really owning my anger at being lonely.

I notice that I am feeling sick in my stomach having just typed or owned up to being lonely.... my gremlin is telling me, quick delete that bit, what will they think of you when they read it. You're not supposed to be lonely, you have it all, a great Job, a wonderful personality, a huge heart, a loving family..... you're not supposed to be lonely. And yet I am, I am lonely for love, for my own heart to be loved and in love, for my knight in shinning armour to sweep me up in his arms and take me away to the kingdom of love. I notice that when I don't own this part of me then I end up reflecting the anger on to those around me who I want to spend time with and who don't have the time to spend with me that I would like them to.

So I am going to own my anger and forgive myself for feeling this way! It's OK (oh I notice my 5 year old smiled when I typed that) she is the one that lonely, she really want to be looked after and played with and she is also very very sad right now... breathe. This is not complete yet, I don't know what this is but I do know it is something to do with the paradox of fully owning my happiness and my sadness at the same time.....

Staying connected - when you want to run away....

2009-05-10T02:45:00.000-07:00

So, I am feeling like I need to express some of what is going on for me around 'not knowing', I am finding it hard to stay connected and be present to these experiences when sometimes all I want to do is run away. There is a paradox here, of course because being present allows me to have the experience without judgement or fear and also its hard to be without the safe container of knowledge that I have learned to rely on...

I took on a challenge the other weekend and I know I exposed myself to judgement, if not criticism by doing so.... you know how people make assumptions given the circumstances and based upon their own lives and then reflect that onto others.... that was exactly what was going on. Now, here's what I noticed, my impact was much less predictable, (I am learning as I type) and this is where the learning is for me, its about my impact as a leader. My impact was different and the feedback I got was contradictory, one person said one thing and another said the opposite, hmmmm, I did get hooked on that for a while and..... I guess now I know that there were times when I didn't 'stay' in the experience... and that's OK too because I am just learning how to be with this stuff....

What I am learning is that if I am present and connected then my impact is much greater, so the stretch for me is to stay present and connected and be with my uncomfortableness as I experience the new experiences..... Wow that's big for me! I am frowning as I type... and I know its true. I had a great example at my singing lesson on Friday, and my teacher put it beautifully, she said - singing is a whole body experience, and you have to be in the experience to full be able to use your body to support your voice..... so every time I sang a 'duff' note my brain disconnected and I squirmed, and she just encouraged me to stay present and connected even if I made a mistake.... yet again wanting to 'get it right' is showing up.. and of course it does because that's how I have trained myself over the years, to get it right......

I love how I can notice all the places in my life that this stuff shows up, and not limit myself to thinking that its just about my coaching or my leadership. As human beings we are creatures of habit and what ever shows up in one part of our lives, also shows up in other parts too and to be honest there is more learning for me from the Singing lesson that the other experience, why, because I am less attached to being a great singer. So, I'm noticing that I have attachment and connection collapsed together or maybe I am starting to distinguish between the two. So, where I am pointing myself is to stay connected to the experience (and the people) and to not be attached to the outcome. That's hard for me, don't get me wrong I do get it logically and I notice that physically and emotionally it feels very strange in my body..... time for a break and to breathe some....

The magic of not knowing....

2009-04-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

Firstly, you can't imagine how funny it is for me to write this title and mean it. I have been the woman who knows it all, who has an opinion on everything, who always needed to know, or predict, what was next and how I would get what I wanted in my life - like there was only one way, my way.... In some ways I can't believe I am writing about this, it is true, that it is news to me, that this is the way I have lead my life mostly (up until now). I didn't realise it of course, because it was a habit, it was the way I had always lived my life and it did serve me in so many ways. Most importantly of all, it worked, or so I thought!

Now, of course, I realise that there is magic in not knowing, in surrendering to the unknown and waiting to see what shows up, and how things play out, its about giving things the time and space to find their own way..... letting go I think they call it. And yet, how hard it is to let this happen, when all I have known all my life is 'my way' of doing things, my way of being! What I do know now is that by doing what I have always done, the way I have always done it, that has kept me small. I am not prepared to play small any longer!

There have been a number of situations in my life recently where I have specifically decided to do something, and with someone and made plans months in advance to do these things, only to find that for whatever reason external factors have messed up my plans so that I can not have the experience I had planned to have. So, I can either blame them for that or I can ask myself, OK so, what if, I was meant to have a different experience, with different people, what if this is what the universe has in store for me.... do I surrender to this experience, not knowing what it will be, or do I walk away, because its not the experience I had planned?

So, what I do is say OK, if that is not what I was supposed to experience, I will let go of that and leave the space to see what shows up, what indeed I was meant to experience. Well, and this is where the Magic happens, opportunities beyond my wildest dreams have shown up! Different experiences to help me grow, to stretch me and help me be more of myself. Opportunities to do some of the things I have always wanted to do (like acting training) have shown up too. There is a huge paradox here of course because as a leader in my own life and the world, it is my role to make things happen and to have them happen in a way that honours my values, keeps me in conscious choice and being present, in the moment and living the emotional experience of my life. All great words right, and when I try to live those words I realise it takes years to really embody this material, it takes minutes to understand the logic and years to really live into the emotional and physical embodiment of those words..... this is the magic of letting go and not knowing! and the Magic of trusting myself that I will grow with the experience to be a more fully rounded human being!

The Magic is leaning into my full range as a human being, to allow authenticity to grow within me and to allow my authenticity to be the catalyst to enable me to embrace the experiences that will be uncomfortable, or risky or where I can't predict the outcome! All for the sake of being more of the human being I was put on this world to be!

Being present to the journey without being attached to the outcome! As I type these words I notice it makes me shiver!

Learning to Live from the Heart

2009-03-13T05:46:00.000-07:00

I love my life! Thank God I found this work and this material. I was going to say, it saved my life and that's not true. What it did was enabled me to live more fully - to be conscious and intentional and to become more conscious every day!

So, how did I get to this place from the place of being heard! What a journey.... I guess what I am noticing is that sometimes we just don't know how to do things, right! We don't know how to listen when we are triggered, don't know how to take risks when we can't be with failure, don't know to be open an honest when we fear conflict. Sometimes we just don't have a point of reference! Wow, I remember saying something to my glorious coach in a conversation and she said, I don't know where to put that.... I have no point of reference and I thought Wow! - no point of reference, hmmm now that's something to sit with for a while! And so it happened, today coming back from the gym (in the car park, believe it or not) I thought, that's it! That's what I have been facing, in being heard and seen, in having my voice heard in the system, any system. Yes I can speak out (my friends know I am not shy) when I feel safe and confident and yet what do I do when I don't have any experience of the circumstances I am faced with. How do I know what to do....

Where this is going next is so simple, it is to say, 'I don't know how to do this' and then ask for help, from the person you want to be in relationship with or the system you can't be heard in! The words that came to me were 'I don't know how to be in a relationship with you, so if you really want me in your life then, you are going to have to teach me!' I am smiling as I write this!

As an aside, I have been reading the book 'how we decide' by Jonah Lehrer and I believe this is part of the unfolding for me. If we are trained to learn from our mistakes, by not making them again and we are rewarded (chemical reactions in the brain) when something good happens - surprise, surprise we avoid the stuff that doesn't feel good and therefore we make our lives smaller and smaller, only doing the things we know how to and not taking risks or stepping outside our comfort zone. This is how the majority of the human race lives their lives, by playing it safe and by playing small! (I notice I get a physical hit in my stomach, when I type these words, I guess I have more work to do here!).

So, where am I going with this - you know, I'm not sure. I do know one thing, I know that (thanks to my lovely friend Linda - you know who you are) this blog was part of me finding my voice and part of me being fully seen and heard. I have always wanted to write and I know my spelling is not great and I am not very well 'formally' educated, no degrees or anything, or so my Gremlin used to tell me, and yes, I have never done it before, so I have no point of reference.

Here's the exciting part, I just did 'it', I set up my blog and noticed that writing really helps me process - and I do have a little experience actually. I remember when I first got a coach, I found that when I would write an email to her before our sessions about the topic I had been working on, then all of a sudden, I started to make connections, things started to unfold and became clearer. So, I guess if we all start to pay attention to the things that work for us, the things we get enjoyment from, the things we are inspired by then its much easier to be heard! Bye the way - my singing is getting better too! Thank God! (He is getting a lot of thanks today....)

When I was in my coaching session with my Glorious coach the other day, I named, time after time in the last month, where my voice was heard, where I found my voice, and what I noticed is that when I speak from my heart not only do I get heard but also I am being a more full expression of myself. That's just really landed for me. Being more of myself.... Wow! Giving myself permission to be more of myself. I am shocked and excited by this.

I have had the most profound week of my life and the content is not important, what is important is that I just realised that to be a full expression of myself, I have to welcome the things that, up until now I have 'mostly' avoided. So, I am asking myself, what is the gift in being disorganised? Where is the gift in rejection? What happens if people don't like what they see or hear? If I am living my life from my heart and not my head (I have nothing against heads, they are very useful parts of the body, if a little over used) if I am not thinking and analysing everything and the potential outcome of everything, if its a risk or what might happen blah, blah, blah, blah.... When I am living from my heart life kind of feels easier and simplier and more powerful somehow!

I took a huge step this week in living from my heart and the response was incredable, amazing and life changing.... I am so proud of myself for the way I have showed up fully this week. (Now, I have tears in my eyes), I now have a reference point of how to show up more fully and from my heart! (I am laughing as the tears roll down my face)... I guess today I realised what people mean when they say to me 'you have a huge heart'.... Wow! I really didn't expect to get this learning from writing this blog! I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

The Voice of the System

2009-03-02T06:49:00.000-08:00

So what is the 'voice of the system'... what does it mean, what do we create when we become a partner with another person, set of people or business. What do we consciously invite into our lives? When are we conscious and intentional about the things that we create with others or even the change that happens in our own lives when we invite others to share it.

Take me as a classic example, I love to collaborate with others, I love to have other people in my life and I love to be open and honest with the people that I invite into my life, for the sake of my collaboration with them. What I fail to do, is, to be conscious about, what it is they want, I check that they want to play and yes they do. However I don't ask them, how much they want to play, or how long they want to play for or do they want to play as much as I want to play or what does play look like for them, to help me understand if their version of 'play' resembles my version. No, not really, I rarely have that conversation.

What I am starting to notice is that when I invite others into my life I create something with them, which is a mixture of me and them. So, if I am very organised and I invite someone or an organisation into my life that is not, then guess what, working or playing with them will be less organised than it is when I am alone. Because this is what we create together. Now here is the interesting bit, to create relationship and understanding we have to be open to each others differences and we have to own what we create together, whilst still being individuals as well as partners. So the voice of the system needs to be heard and the individual voices that create the system have to be heard too... interesting.

I believe as leaders and coaches we get hooked on deep democracy (all the voices of the system being heard - you, me) and don't spend enough time looking at or listening for the the voice of the system itself (we). In my case above that would mean that the disorganised voice (you) and the organised voice (me) creates a voice of the system which (us) which is both organised and dis-organised - Wow! If we own the fact that we are both organised and disorganised then we can do something with it. However if our individual voices are the only thing that is heard, (and sometimes we are so in our own stuff that we don't hear the others voice) then the impact can be to separate us rather than bring us together. We have to move from a place of 'who is doing what to whom' to a place of 'what is trying to happen' in the system. When all the voices of the system are not heard and this happens, in particular, with the unpopular or marginalized voices, then issues recycle themselves. When issues recycle themselves it is a clear indication that all the voices have not been heard. The opportunity here is to celebrate the diversity of being human and acknowledge and appreciate each others differences! Easier said than done!

Similarly, when I invite a partner to work with me then I invite the things into my life that we create together by being in relationship with each other. We would never go into a business relationship with anyone without a contract or a document of understanding or even simply a discussion about our intentions..... so here's the dilemma, is it not true that our personal relationships are more important than our business ones and yet we spend less time designing our partnerships and our alliances with these people, or should I say I do.......

Being Heard

2009-02-24T04:53:00.000-08:00

So this is interesting, because as I write this blog for the first time I don't even know if I can publish it. Given the topic about being heard its interesting to think that these words may not get heard and I will continue anyway.

Have you ever been in a situation where you think you really articulated things really well to someone else, and then days, weeks or even months later they had a completely different understanding than you of the situation and on what was said?

That's where I find myself over the last couple of months, the content is not important, what is important is that I am learning there is a time when I loose my voice, when I am unable to speak my truth and when I withdrawn from communication.

Right now, I know I don't understand what is going on, so I am not trying to. I am staying with the feeling (which is one of confusion) and seeing what unfolds for me.

Its hard not to notice when clients bring their topics to me which reflect what is going on in my life and I do believe that Coaches and Clients are attracted for the sake of both their learning. More on this in a later blog.

So, when more than one of my clients talk to me about feeling judged and criticised and feeling like they must do anything to stop this happening. I can relate to that. Of course, this was how I lived my life for many years, not feeling good enough and wanting to do everything in my power not to get found out..... my God that seems like a lifetime ago and yet it was no more than 3 years ago.

I'm also reminded of how my loved ones didn't know how to communicate with me, without shouting or worse and so there were very long periods of silence. Long periods of being ignored or worse spoken to in a way you wouldn't speak to your worst enemy.... withdrawal, that was what I was trained to do, ignore and put up or shut up!

So, How do I find my voice again, well in some really simple ways. I'm learning to sing, I love to sing out loud and I do it all the time now but nothing beats Choir practice on a Tuesday night, I sing out with out fear of anything, Wrong and Strong as our teacher encourages - its so much fun.
So that is one way, another, I just realised is to learn a new language and to have more people hear me, to practice with others some better, some worse and not to be attached to getting it right.

Now here is the core of the learning for me - I loose my voice when I can't find the other person right.... (What this means in English is, if I believe the other person is in the wrong then I find it hard to articulate what goes on for me.... What I am learning as a write this posting is that, its not that I loose my voice, I do try and try and try again and then when I fail to be understood, it is then that I just give up and walk away! I'm sure there is more to come....) Delete inset.....

So the learning for me upon reflection of this topic is not that I find the other person wrong, the learning for me is that, when I have exhausted all my communication tools and still I am not being engaged with - it is then that I don't know how to proceed, it is then that I give up.
So, if I feel that the other person is not engaging with me, or if they withdraw from the dialogue or I feel criticised or Blamed, it is then that I find it hard to engage back. What do you say to someone who doesn't want to listen to you and who withdraws or disengages with you? I know I have a real desire to be understood and I also know that to be understood, there has to be a person who wants to understand.....