Staying connected - when you want to run away....

So, I am feeling like I need to express some of what is going on for me around 'not knowing', I am finding it hard to stay connected and be present to these experiences when sometimes all I want to do is run away. There is a paradox here, of course because being present allows me to have the experience without judgement or fear and also its hard to be without the safe container of knowledge that I have learned to rely on...

I took on a challenge the other weekend and I know I exposed myself to judgement, if not criticism by doing so.... you know how people make assumptions given the circumstances and based upon their own lives and then reflect that onto others.... that was exactly what was going on. Now, here's what I noticed, my impact was much less predictable, (I am learning as I type) and this is where the learning is for me, its about my impact as a leader. My impact was different and the feedback I got was contradictory, one person said one thing and another said the opposite, hmmmm, I did get hooked on that for a while and..... I guess now I know that there were times when I didn't 'stay' in the experience... and that's OK too because I am just learning how to be with this stuff....



What I am learning is that if I am present and connected then my impact is much greater, so the stretch for me is to stay present and connected and be with my uncomfortableness as I experience the new experiences..... Wow that's big for me! I am frowning as I type... and I know its true. I had a great example at my singing lesson on Friday, and my teacher put it beautifully, she said - singing is a whole body experience, and you have to be in the experience to full be able to use your body to support your voice..... so every time I sang a 'duff' note my brain disconnected and I squirmed, and she just encouraged me to stay present and connected even if I made a mistake.... yet again wanting to 'get it right' is showing up.. and of course it does because that's how I have trained myself over the years, to get it right......

I love how I can notice all the places in my life that this stuff shows up, and not limit myself to thinking that its just about my coaching or my leadership. As human beings we are creatures of habit and what ever shows up in one part of our lives, also shows up in other parts too and to be honest there is more learning for me from the Singing lesson that the other experience, why, because I am less attached to being a great singer. So, I'm noticing that I have attachment and connection collapsed together or maybe I am starting to distinguish between the two. So, where I am pointing myself is to stay connected to the experience (and the people) and to not be attached to the outcome. That's hard for me, don't get me wrong I do get it logically and I notice that physically and emotionally it feels very strange in my body..... time for a break and to breathe some....