Friday, 24 July 2009

Letting go.... all over again

I feel sad today. Very sad and very alive all at the same time. Yesterday evening I had a conversation with my partner about our relationship and we decided to 'let go' of each other.
You see, right now we are not serving each other, we are not there for each other, we don't spend quality time together and we are not honouring or respecting each others values. Sigh...

And we love each other, its so hard to write this from such a deeply hurt place, the emotions are so raw for me today and I ache inside for him right now.... God the sensation is so strong it feel like something is pulling down on my heart, like its creating more space inside me! I don't know.

There are a lot of things I don't know today.... the world looks different somehow... and here is what I do know, I know I am alive and living my emotions fully, I know that I have said (more or less) strike that, most of what I wanted to say to him.

I have a desire within me that I could not fulfil in relationship with him, (I love that I just took ownership for that, I typed 'that he could not fulfil' first time around!) I am learning as I type, that I have a yearning that is incomplete. To side track I pulled an Angel card out of the deck the other week and it was entitled 'soul mate' and it encouraged me to give my relationship up to the Angels in order for them to work with me to find out if it is my 'soul mate' or if I had to make room in my life for my Soul mate to show up. I notice I took a very deep breath just then.

So, what I am noticing now is that maybe that's the space that is now left within me, maybe letting go of the emotions and the energy it takes to be in an unfulfilling relationship is what is needed for me to make the space and energy to be in a loving, caring, fulfilling and meaningful relationship in the future... who knows, who knows about the future!

Right now, I know we are incomplete, there are more words that will be spoken, there are more tears to cry and there are move hugs to be had and I will go to my grave knowing that at least I had the chance to love and be loved in my life and by an amazing, wonderful human being. You know who you are and I'll never stop loving you....and all I ask of you is to love me enough to let me go. I'm crying again....

All I know now is that my makeup is all over my face and I have a train to catch in less than an hour. So the as the real world takes over again, I will be with my sorrow and sadness and I'll try not to look like a weirdo on the train!

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Letting go.....

I notice as I search for the title of this blog that I am trying too hard to 'get it right'... so the title is about right. Interesting at my singing lesson on Tuesday that my singing teacher told me to relax and use the rest of my body to support my voice and that i was trying too hard. Where else does this show up in my life (I thought). Well, when I ski, I know that I use my muscles to make up for my lack of technique, maybe skiing could be easier too!

Then of course, I realised that this shows up all over the rest of my life, or at least it was a pattern in the past... (I also notice at this point that my Gremlin has a habit of always finding fault with me and always searching for where I could be better at things. So, I caught it and realised that actually this is an old pattern.....).

I have to say, just to have it pointed out to me around my singing has opened up a whole new area of self discovery for me. What I will say at this point is, after an hour of making silly noises and pulling funny faces, of zzzzing and nnnnngggging the tune, I then actually found my real voice and it was amazing..... it was like finding more of me, it was like being fully in touch with the essence of me and expressing it, out loud! Wow! And it was WOW!

I found the whole thing very moving. My teacher said I was very brave, to let go of all the things that were habitual and trust her. You know it didn't feel brave and yet it was about trusting myself and letting go of the old habits in search of something (I didn't know what) that would be more fulfilling!

Now who knew I was going to type that last line..... Isn't that what all my work is about, isn't that the essence of what we are all searching for..... I am quite struck by that discovery.

What is unfolding for me now is a true gift, I am noticing that in the past i would not have gone for singing lessons, due to the fear of being exposed and getting it wrong. So, I have moved such a long way to get to this point. What I notice now is that, it is only because I have done so much work in the other areas of my life, around letting go, that I was able to let go in my singing lesson! Isn't that amazing.... and there are other areas I have been working on that the singing will act as a great metaphor for.

I think of when I first decided to write a 'blog'. God, I was brave to write it straight from my heart and in a way that created learning and insight for me and as I have said before I know that I was letting myself be exposed to potential judgement or criticism - which is still the case.

What I also know now is that I have had some amazing feedback about my authentic style of writing and the insight that my posts have provided for people - I would never have had that level of feedback if I didn't take the risk of 'getting in wrong' or if I tried too hard to get it right.

The same is true in my singing, now that I am starting to really and truely believe that I can trust in myself I am leaving myself open to experience all the wonderful things life has to offer!

And I am still work in progress! I said to a client this morning, don't step over or ignore the things you are goood at just because they come easy to you! As the words came out of my mouth I know that they were in service of both my client and myself...

So, I guess the next post will be something about owning my gifts and coming from a place of humility....