Before I launch into this next Blog, I want to thank those of you who are reading and expressing your appreciation of my experiences and how it helps you learn. Learning is a big value of mine - thank you all.
So, where am I now, well...all sorts of things going on for me and I notice that when I went to write I was unsure of what to write about and then it hit me - I have been hesitant to look in the mirror that is being held up for me to see the great impact my work is having, and I also notice that I am unwilling to clearly look in the mirror and own my anger too. It is becoming clearer to me that both of these things are at the opposite ends of the scale of my identity, if we were talking process coaching you would say, one is right up the tube and the other is right down the tube and it is different than that and here's whats different, I can be in the experience of both of these extremes and I do regularly. What I am taking about here is OWNING both of these parts of me, really owning my greatness and really owning my anger at being lonely.
I notice that I am feeling sick in my stomach having just typed or owned up to being lonely.... my gremlin is telling me, quick delete that bit, what will they think of you when they read it. You're not supposed to be lonely, you have it all, a great Job, a wonderful personality, a huge heart, a loving family..... you're not supposed to be lonely. And yet I am, I am lonely for love, for my own heart to be loved and in love, for my knight in shinning armour to sweep me up in his arms and take me away to the kingdom of love. I notice that when I don't own this part of me then I end up reflecting the anger on to those around me who I want to spend time with and who don't have the time to spend with me that I would like them to.
So I am going to own my anger and forgive myself for feeling this way! It's OK (oh I notice my 5 year old smiled when I typed that) she is the one that lonely, she really want to be looked after and played with and she is also very very sad right now... breathe. This is not complete yet, I don't know what this is but I do know it is something to do with the paradox of fully owning my happiness and my sadness at the same time.....
1 comment:
I just stumbled across your blog. You know, one of those instances where you are looking for one thing and by the miracle of Google, you get search results that contain something else. A colleague of mine calls them search contaminants. I kind of think of them as Dolphins and in the Tuna net. I digress. Your ‘Real Coaching 4U’ site came up and I noticed your blog link. As I’m not a cat I know curiosity isn’t such a bad thing and quite often I get to learn stuff. So ‘click’, there I was and I read your recent post. Then I went to the beginning and read all your posts and I just wanted to comment that I am really struck and touched by the honesty and openness of how you express yourself. Rare indeed. Rare that someone is able to mix honesty with insight and yet be truthful about what that means to them. I am in awe of that as I find that so hard to do. I was struck by the idea you expressed of ‘owning’ opposites such as happiness and anger, sort of establishing a state of equilibrium rather than allowing an emotional pendulum to swing to and fro between them. And I was reminded of something that helped me recently establish my own equilibrium. I don’t know if it can add anything to your already astonishing degree of self awareness, but I found it helped me. But firstly, I never sleep well when I am away from home, so please forgive the stray thoughts of a tired stranger passing by in the pre-dawn.
I don’t know if you have read ‘The Five People You Meet in Heaven’ by Mitch Albom. Not so long ago I was in a very bad place. Like you expressed in your last blog, love and anger all mashed together. But the anger I held inside was impotent as I was angry about something that was happening to my loved one that I couldn’t protect that person from, something I can’t make go away. A friend of mine asked me to read this book, he took a chance that I would get something valuable from it. Luckily for me I did. Although I am not religious in any sense, it helped me connect deeply with my spiritual side and I realized that I was in this time and place for a reason. I can’t say too much in case you haven’t read the book. If you have, then you’ll perhaps be able to guess. But hopefully you might gain something for yourself, even if it is the simple pleasure of reading a well written novel.
Being honest, the anger hasn’t totally gone away. But it no longer fights with my sense of love, it no longer overwhelms the happiness and gratitude for the life I have lived and will continue to live, no matter what. I was helped a long time ago by someone close to me and I would one day like the opportunity to tell her that she did something wonderful. I didn’t know it at the time, but I now know that person understood something I didn’t. She is the reason why I am able to be in the right place today. You see it’s not just thinking of the 5 people I might meet in heaven. It’s the thought, the hope, of being one of the 5 that will be there to meet someone that I love very much that has brought solace and peace into my life.
Oh my, that was so hard to write. You talked about your reflex to use the delete key. My equivalent is to use humour, or the absurd, to avoid saying what I really feel.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts so openly and starting a chain reaction with me today. Who knows how many such reactions can trace their genesis back to you over your life, but I guess there will be many that you don’t know about. Good luck in your continuing and amazing journey of discovery.
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