Staying and leaving space......

You know it is bizzar I have been doing this work for years and I only just realised that I have a massive Gremlin around one of my relationships, it is constantly nagging at me, what about this and what about that and what if this and what if that... oh my God it's driving me nuts and what does it feed on - you'll love this - it feeds on the fact that I have always got what I wanted in my life - blessed I am indeed, I know, and I don't mean that in an arrogant way - it is true however, that whenever I put my mind to something I usually get it...

So, what happens when I don't get what I want, well if there is only me to contend with I will usually find a way, for example, when I wanted to buy more holiday from work the other year and I was unable to, I just decided OK then we'll I'll reduce my working week to 4 days and that will mean I can have what I want.

I have to say I am feeling quite exposed as I write this and I am going to continue writing it anyway because I know there is learning here for me! My challange is to stay engaged and present and give him the space he needs whilst knowing he loves me and at the moment we can't be together as much as we'd like to be.

I love space, emotionally and physically and yet I find it hard to 'let go' and just be with the fact that we love each other but can't be to together at the moment. I have to say as I write this I am feeling physically sick and that is unusual for me, very few things have that physical and emotional impact on my body these days.... what is it? I wonder..

My Gremlin is feeding off something here and I just can't quite put my finger on it. It is something about all or nothing, this has been a huge issue in my life and slowly but surely I have worked my way through it, at home and at work and in my friendships and other relationships and yet somehow with this one person the pattern still shows up.

That's what it is, it's the paradox of staying engaged and leaving space all at the same time. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! That's it, I don't know how to stay in this relationship and have all the space and time I need or want. It's like I have made up a rule that if you are in a relationship it has to be 'on' all the time, in fact he used to say to me, why does it have to be all or nothing.... and I used to laugh to myself and dismiss it but its true, that is what is going on for me, and because its more 'off' than 'on' I am having trouble in coping with being in a relationship and not be in each others pockets - this is great!

I say all the time, 'Oh God, I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship that was 24x7 it would kill me!' And yet deep down I don't know how to do anything else - this must be a deeply held belief of mine and its something like - if your in a relationship then you have to be together more than you are alone, or something like that! This make so much sense to me now, I am working on the Adult Stages of Development and reading 'Immunity to Change' by Robert Keegan as well as reading all 'The Leadership Circle' material that I have just been certified in... its amazing work and it talks a lot about having a goal and then behaving in a way which does not support the goal that you want to achieve..... which is exactly what is going on for me here... There is more work to do on this one I know and what a great realisation!