I feel sad today. Very sad and very alive all at the same time. Yesterday evening I had a conversation with my partner about our relationship and we decided to 'let go' of each other.
You see, right now we are not serving each other, we are not there for each other, we don't spend quality time together and we are not honouring or respecting each others values. Sigh...
And we love each other, its so hard to write this from such a deeply hurt place, the emotions are so raw for me today and I ache inside for him right now.... God the sensation is so strong it feel like something is pulling down on my heart, like its creating more space inside me! I don't know.
There are a lot of things I don't know today.... the world looks different somehow... and here is what I do know, I know I am alive and living my emotions fully, I know that I have said (more or less) strike that, most of what I wanted to say to him.
I have a desire within me that I could not fulfil in relationship with him, (I love that I just took ownership for that, I typed 'that he could not fulfil' first time around!) I am learning as I type, that I have a yearning that is incomplete. To side track I pulled an Angel card out of the deck the other week and it was entitled 'soul mate' and it encouraged me to give my relationship up to the Angels in order for them to work with me to find out if it is my 'soul mate' or if I had to make room in my life for my Soul mate to show up. I notice I took a very deep breath just then.
So, what I am noticing now is that maybe that's the space that is now left within me, maybe letting go of the emotions and the energy it takes to be in an unfulfilling relationship is what is needed for me to make the space and energy to be in a loving, caring, fulfilling and meaningful relationship in the future... who knows, who knows about the future!
Right now, I know we are incomplete, there are more words that will be spoken, there are more tears to cry and there are move hugs to be had and I will go to my grave knowing that at least I had the chance to love and be loved in my life and by an amazing, wonderful human being. You know who you are and I'll never stop loving you....and all I ask of you is to love me enough to let me go. I'm crying again....
All I know now is that my makeup is all over my face and I have a train to catch in less than an hour. So the as the real world takes over again, I will be with my sorrow and sadness and I'll try not to look like a weirdo on the train!
Friday, 24 July 2009
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Letting go.....
I notice as I search for the title of this blog that I am trying too hard to 'get it right'... so the title is about right. Interesting at my singing lesson on Tuesday that my singing teacher told me to relax and use the rest of my body to support my voice and that i was trying too hard. Where else does this show up in my life (I thought). Well, when I ski, I know that I use my muscles to make up for my lack of technique, maybe skiing could be easier too!
Then of course, I realised that this shows up all over the rest of my life, or at least it was a pattern in the past... (I also notice at this point that my Gremlin has a habit of always finding fault with me and always searching for where I could be better at things. So, I caught it and realised that actually this is an old pattern.....).
I have to say, just to have it pointed out to me around my singing has opened up a whole new area of self discovery for me. What I will say at this point is, after an hour of making silly noises and pulling funny faces, of zzzzing and nnnnngggging the tune, I then actually found my real voice and it was amazing..... it was like finding more of me, it was like being fully in touch with the essence of me and expressing it, out loud! Wow! And it was WOW!
I found the whole thing very moving. My teacher said I was very brave, to let go of all the things that were habitual and trust her. You know it didn't feel brave and yet it was about trusting myself and letting go of the old habits in search of something (I didn't know what) that would be more fulfilling!
Now who knew I was going to type that last line..... Isn't that what all my work is about, isn't that the essence of what we are all searching for..... I am quite struck by that discovery.
What is unfolding for me now is a true gift, I am noticing that in the past i would not have gone for singing lessons, due to the fear of being exposed and getting it wrong. So, I have moved such a long way to get to this point. What I notice now is that, it is only because I have done so much work in the other areas of my life, around letting go, that I was able to let go in my singing lesson! Isn't that amazing.... and there are other areas I have been working on that the singing will act as a great metaphor for.
I think of when I first decided to write a 'blog'. God, I was brave to write it straight from my heart and in a way that created learning and insight for me and as I have said before I know that I was letting myself be exposed to potential judgement or criticism - which is still the case.
What I also know now is that I have had some amazing feedback about my authentic style of writing and the insight that my posts have provided for people - I would never have had that level of feedback if I didn't take the risk of 'getting in wrong' or if I tried too hard to get it right.
The same is true in my singing, now that I am starting to really and truely believe that I can trust in myself I am leaving myself open to experience all the wonderful things life has to offer!
And I am still work in progress! I said to a client this morning, don't step over or ignore the things you are goood at just because they come easy to you! As the words came out of my mouth I know that they were in service of both my client and myself...
So, I guess the next post will be something about owning my gifts and coming from a place of humility....
Then of course, I realised that this shows up all over the rest of my life, or at least it was a pattern in the past... (I also notice at this point that my Gremlin has a habit of always finding fault with me and always searching for where I could be better at things. So, I caught it and realised that actually this is an old pattern.....).
I have to say, just to have it pointed out to me around my singing has opened up a whole new area of self discovery for me. What I will say at this point is, after an hour of making silly noises and pulling funny faces, of zzzzing and nnnnngggging the tune, I then actually found my real voice and it was amazing..... it was like finding more of me, it was like being fully in touch with the essence of me and expressing it, out loud! Wow! And it was WOW!
I found the whole thing very moving. My teacher said I was very brave, to let go of all the things that were habitual and trust her. You know it didn't feel brave and yet it was about trusting myself and letting go of the old habits in search of something (I didn't know what) that would be more fulfilling!
Now who knew I was going to type that last line..... Isn't that what all my work is about, isn't that the essence of what we are all searching for..... I am quite struck by that discovery.
What is unfolding for me now is a true gift, I am noticing that in the past i would not have gone for singing lessons, due to the fear of being exposed and getting it wrong. So, I have moved such a long way to get to this point. What I notice now is that, it is only because I have done so much work in the other areas of my life, around letting go, that I was able to let go in my singing lesson! Isn't that amazing.... and there are other areas I have been working on that the singing will act as a great metaphor for.
I think of when I first decided to write a 'blog'. God, I was brave to write it straight from my heart and in a way that created learning and insight for me and as I have said before I know that I was letting myself be exposed to potential judgement or criticism - which is still the case.
What I also know now is that I have had some amazing feedback about my authentic style of writing and the insight that my posts have provided for people - I would never have had that level of feedback if I didn't take the risk of 'getting in wrong' or if I tried too hard to get it right.
The same is true in my singing, now that I am starting to really and truely believe that I can trust in myself I am leaving myself open to experience all the wonderful things life has to offer!
And I am still work in progress! I said to a client this morning, don't step over or ignore the things you are goood at just because they come easy to you! As the words came out of my mouth I know that they were in service of both my client and myself...
So, I guess the next post will be something about owning my gifts and coming from a place of humility....
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Looking in the Mirror....
Before I launch into this next Blog, I want to thank those of you who are reading and expressing your appreciation of my experiences and how it helps you learn. Learning is a big value of mine - thank you all.
So, where am I now, well...all sorts of things going on for me and I notice that when I went to write I was unsure of what to write about and then it hit me - I have been hesitant to look in the mirror that is being held up for me to see the great impact my work is having, and I also notice that I am unwilling to clearly look in the mirror and own my anger too. It is becoming clearer to me that both of these things are at the opposite ends of the scale of my identity, if we were talking process coaching you would say, one is right up the tube and the other is right down the tube and it is different than that and here's whats different, I can be in the experience of both of these extremes and I do regularly. What I am taking about here is OWNING both of these parts of me, really owning my greatness and really owning my anger at being lonely.
I notice that I am feeling sick in my stomach having just typed or owned up to being lonely.... my gremlin is telling me, quick delete that bit, what will they think of you when they read it. You're not supposed to be lonely, you have it all, a great Job, a wonderful personality, a huge heart, a loving family..... you're not supposed to be lonely. And yet I am, I am lonely for love, for my own heart to be loved and in love, for my knight in shinning armour to sweep me up in his arms and take me away to the kingdom of love. I notice that when I don't own this part of me then I end up reflecting the anger on to those around me who I want to spend time with and who don't have the time to spend with me that I would like them to.
So I am going to own my anger and forgive myself for feeling this way! It's OK (oh I notice my 5 year old smiled when I typed that) she is the one that lonely, she really want to be looked after and played with and she is also very very sad right now... breathe. This is not complete yet, I don't know what this is but I do know it is something to do with the paradox of fully owning my happiness and my sadness at the same time.....
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Staying connected - when you want to run away....
So, I am feeling like I need to express some of what is going on for me around 'not knowing', I am finding it hard to stay connected and be present to these experiences when sometimes all I want to do is run away. There is a paradox here, of course because being present allows me to have the experience without judgement or fear and also its hard to be without the safe container of knowledge that I have learned to rely on...
I took on a challenge the other weekend and I know I exposed myself to judgement, if not criticism by doing so.... you know how people make assumptions given the circumstances and based upon their own lives and then reflect that onto others.... that was exactly what was going on. Now, here's what I noticed, my impact was much less predictable, (I am learning as I type) and this is where the learning is for me, its about my impact as a leader. My impact was different and the feedback I got was contradictory, one person said one thing and another said the opposite, hmmmm, I did get hooked on that for a while and..... I guess now I know that there were times when I didn't 'stay' in the experience... and that's OK too because I am just learning how to be with this stuff....
What I am learning is that if I am present and connected then my impact is much greater, so the stretch for me is to stay present and connected and be with my uncomfortableness as I experience the new experiences..... Wow that's big for me! I am frowning as I type... and I know its true. I had a great example at my singing lesson on Friday, and my teacher put it beautifully, she said - singing is a whole body experience, and you have to be in the experience to full be able to use your body to support your voice..... so every time I sang a 'duff' note my brain disconnected and I squirmed, and she just encouraged me to stay present and connected even if I made a mistake.... yet again wanting to 'get it right' is showing up.. and of course it does because that's how I have trained myself over the years, to get it right......
I love how I can notice all the places in my life that this stuff shows up, and not limit myself to thinking that its just about my coaching or my leadership. As human beings we are creatures of habit and what ever shows up in one part of our lives, also shows up in other parts too and to be honest there is more learning for me from the Singing lesson that the other experience, why, because I am less attached to being a great singer. So, I'm noticing that I have attachment and connection collapsed together or maybe I am starting to distinguish between the two. So, where I am pointing myself is to stay connected to the experience (and the people) and to not be attached to the outcome. That's hard for me, don't get me wrong I do get it logically and I notice that physically and emotionally it feels very strange in my body..... time for a break and to breathe some....
I took on a challenge the other weekend and I know I exposed myself to judgement, if not criticism by doing so.... you know how people make assumptions given the circumstances and based upon their own lives and then reflect that onto others.... that was exactly what was going on. Now, here's what I noticed, my impact was much less predictable, (I am learning as I type) and this is where the learning is for me, its about my impact as a leader. My impact was different and the feedback I got was contradictory, one person said one thing and another said the opposite, hmmmm, I did get hooked on that for a while and..... I guess now I know that there were times when I didn't 'stay' in the experience... and that's OK too because I am just learning how to be with this stuff....
What I am learning is that if I am present and connected then my impact is much greater, so the stretch for me is to stay present and connected and be with my uncomfortableness as I experience the new experiences..... Wow that's big for me! I am frowning as I type... and I know its true. I had a great example at my singing lesson on Friday, and my teacher put it beautifully, she said - singing is a whole body experience, and you have to be in the experience to full be able to use your body to support your voice..... so every time I sang a 'duff' note my brain disconnected and I squirmed, and she just encouraged me to stay present and connected even if I made a mistake.... yet again wanting to 'get it right' is showing up.. and of course it does because that's how I have trained myself over the years, to get it right......
I love how I can notice all the places in my life that this stuff shows up, and not limit myself to thinking that its just about my coaching or my leadership. As human beings we are creatures of habit and what ever shows up in one part of our lives, also shows up in other parts too and to be honest there is more learning for me from the Singing lesson that the other experience, why, because I am less attached to being a great singer. So, I'm noticing that I have attachment and connection collapsed together or maybe I am starting to distinguish between the two. So, where I am pointing myself is to stay connected to the experience (and the people) and to not be attached to the outcome. That's hard for me, don't get me wrong I do get it logically and I notice that physically and emotionally it feels very strange in my body..... time for a break and to breathe some....
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
The magic of not knowing....
Firstly, you can't imagine how funny it is for me to write this title and mean it. I have been the woman who knows it all, who has an opinion on everything, who always needed to know, or predict, what was next and how I would get what I wanted in my life - like there was only one way, my way.... In some ways I can't believe I am writing about this, it is true, that it is news to me, that this is the way I have lead my life mostly (up until now). I didn't realise it of course, because it was a habit, it was the way I had always lived my life and it did serve me in so many ways. Most importantly of all, it worked, or so I thought!
Now, of course, I realise that there is magic in not knowing, in surrendering to the unknown and waiting to see what shows up, and how things play out, its about giving things the time and space to find their own way..... letting go I think they call it. And yet, how hard it is to let this happen, when all I have known all my life is 'my way' of doing things, my way of being! What I do know now is that by doing what I have always done, the way I have always done it, that has kept me small. I am not prepared to play small any longer!
There have been a number of situations in my life recently where I have specifically decided to do something, and with someone and made plans months in advance to do these things, only to find that for whatever reason external factors have messed up my plans so that I can not have the experience I had planned to have. So, I can either blame them for that or I can ask myself, OK so, what if, I was meant to have a different experience, with different people, what if this is what the universe has in store for me.... do I surrender to this experience, not knowing what it will be, or do I walk away, because its not the experience I had planned?
So, what I do is say OK, if that is not what I was supposed to experience, I will let go of that and leave the space to see what shows up, what indeed I was meant to experience. Well, and this is where the Magic happens, opportunities beyond my wildest dreams have shown up! Different experiences to help me grow, to stretch me and help me be more of myself. Opportunities to do some of the things I have always wanted to do (like acting training) have shown up too. There is a huge paradox here of course because as a leader in my own life and the world, it is my role to make things happen and to have them happen in a way that honours my values, keeps me in conscious choice and being present, in the moment and living the emotional experience of my life. All great words right, and when I try to live those words I realise it takes years to really embody this material, it takes minutes to understand the logic and years to really live into the emotional and physical embodiment of those words..... this is the magic of letting go and not knowing! and the Magic of trusting myself that I will grow with the experience to be a more fully rounded human being!
The Magic is leaning into my full range as a human being, to allow authenticity to grow within me and to allow my authenticity to be the catalyst to enable me to embrace the experiences that will be uncomfortable, or risky or where I can't predict the outcome! All for the sake of being more of the human being I was put on this world to be!
Being present to the journey without being attached to the outcome! As I type these words I notice it makes me shiver!
Now, of course, I realise that there is magic in not knowing, in surrendering to the unknown and waiting to see what shows up, and how things play out, its about giving things the time and space to find their own way..... letting go I think they call it. And yet, how hard it is to let this happen, when all I have known all my life is 'my way' of doing things, my way of being! What I do know now is that by doing what I have always done, the way I have always done it, that has kept me small. I am not prepared to play small any longer!
There have been a number of situations in my life recently where I have specifically decided to do something, and with someone and made plans months in advance to do these things, only to find that for whatever reason external factors have messed up my plans so that I can not have the experience I had planned to have. So, I can either blame them for that or I can ask myself, OK so, what if, I was meant to have a different experience, with different people, what if this is what the universe has in store for me.... do I surrender to this experience, not knowing what it will be, or do I walk away, because its not the experience I had planned?
So, what I do is say OK, if that is not what I was supposed to experience, I will let go of that and leave the space to see what shows up, what indeed I was meant to experience. Well, and this is where the Magic happens, opportunities beyond my wildest dreams have shown up! Different experiences to help me grow, to stretch me and help me be more of myself. Opportunities to do some of the things I have always wanted to do (like acting training) have shown up too. There is a huge paradox here of course because as a leader in my own life and the world, it is my role to make things happen and to have them happen in a way that honours my values, keeps me in conscious choice and being present, in the moment and living the emotional experience of my life. All great words right, and when I try to live those words I realise it takes years to really embody this material, it takes minutes to understand the logic and years to really live into the emotional and physical embodiment of those words..... this is the magic of letting go and not knowing! and the Magic of trusting myself that I will grow with the experience to be a more fully rounded human being!
The Magic is leaning into my full range as a human being, to allow authenticity to grow within me and to allow my authenticity to be the catalyst to enable me to embrace the experiences that will be uncomfortable, or risky or where I can't predict the outcome! All for the sake of being more of the human being I was put on this world to be!
Being present to the journey without being attached to the outcome! As I type these words I notice it makes me shiver!
Friday, 13 March 2009
Learning to Live from the Heart
I love my life! Thank God I found this work and this material. I was going to say, it saved my life and that's not true. What it did was enabled me to live more fully - to be conscious and intentional and to become more conscious every day!
So, how did I get to this place from the place of being heard! What a journey.... I guess what I am noticing is that sometimes we just don't know how to do things, right! We don't know how to listen when we are triggered, don't know how to take risks when we can't be with failure, don't know to be open an honest when we fear conflict. Sometimes we just don't have a point of reference! Wow, I remember saying something to my glorious coach in a conversation and she said, I don't know where to put that.... I have no point of reference and I thought Wow! - no point of reference, hmmm now that's something to sit with for a while! And so it happened, today coming back from the gym (in the car park, believe it or not) I thought, that's it! That's what I have been facing, in being heard and seen, in having my voice heard in the system, any system. Yes I can speak out (my friends know I am not shy) when I feel safe and confident and yet what do I do when I don't have any experience of the circumstances I am faced with. How do I know what to do....
Where this is going next is so simple, it is to say, 'I don't know how to do this' and then ask for help, from the person you want to be in relationship with or the system you can't be heard in! The words that came to me were 'I don't know how to be in a relationship with you, so if you really want me in your life then, you are going to have to teach me!' I am smiling as I write this!
As an aside, I have been reading the book 'how we decide' by Jonah Lehrer and I believe this is part of the unfolding for me. If we are trained to learn from our mistakes, by not making them again and we are rewarded (chemical reactions in the brain) when something good happens - surprise, surprise we avoid the stuff that doesn't feel good and therefore we make our lives smaller and smaller, only doing the things we know how to and not taking risks or stepping outside our comfort zone. This is how the majority of the human race lives their lives, by playing it safe and by playing small! (I notice I get a physical hit in my stomach, when I type these words, I guess I have more work to do here!).
So, where am I going with this - you know, I'm not sure. I do know one thing, I know that (thanks to my lovely friend Linda - you know who you are) this blog was part of me finding my voice and part of me being fully seen and heard. I have always wanted to write and I know my spelling is not great and I am not very well 'formally' educated, no degrees or anything, or so my Gremlin used to tell me, and yes, I have never done it before, so I have no point of reference.
Here's the exciting part, I just did 'it', I set up my blog and noticed that writing really helps me process - and I do have a little experience actually. I remember when I first got a coach, I found that when I would write an email to her before our sessions about the topic I had been working on, then all of a sudden, I started to make connections, things started to unfold and became clearer. So, I guess if we all start to pay attention to the things that work for us, the things we get enjoyment from, the things we are inspired by then its much easier to be heard! Bye the way - my singing is getting better too! Thank God! (He is getting a lot of thanks today....)
When I was in my coaching session with my Glorious coach the other day, I named, time after time in the last month, where my voice was heard, where I found my voice, and what I noticed is that when I speak from my heart not only do I get heard but also I am being a more full expression of myself. That's just really landed for me. Being more of myself.... Wow! Giving myself permission to be more of myself. I am shocked and excited by this.
I have had the most profound week of my life and the content is not important, what is important is that I just realised that to be a full expression of myself, I have to welcome the things that, up until now I have 'mostly' avoided. So, I am asking myself, what is the gift in being disorganised? Where is the gift in rejection? What happens if people don't like what they see or hear? If I am living my life from my heart and not my head (I have nothing against heads, they are very useful parts of the body, if a little over used) if I am not thinking and analysing everything and the potential outcome of everything, if its a risk or what might happen blah, blah, blah, blah.... When I am living from my heart life kind of feels easier and simplier and more powerful somehow!
I took a huge step this week in living from my heart and the response was incredable, amazing and life changing.... I am so proud of myself for the way I have showed up fully this week. (Now, I have tears in my eyes), I now have a reference point of how to show up more fully and from my heart! (I am laughing as the tears roll down my face)... I guess today I realised what people mean when they say to me 'you have a huge heart'.... Wow! I really didn't expect to get this learning from writing this blog! I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
So, how did I get to this place from the place of being heard! What a journey.... I guess what I am noticing is that sometimes we just don't know how to do things, right! We don't know how to listen when we are triggered, don't know how to take risks when we can't be with failure, don't know to be open an honest when we fear conflict. Sometimes we just don't have a point of reference! Wow, I remember saying something to my glorious coach in a conversation and she said, I don't know where to put that.... I have no point of reference and I thought Wow! - no point of reference, hmmm now that's something to sit with for a while! And so it happened, today coming back from the gym (in the car park, believe it or not) I thought, that's it! That's what I have been facing, in being heard and seen, in having my voice heard in the system, any system. Yes I can speak out (my friends know I am not shy) when I feel safe and confident and yet what do I do when I don't have any experience of the circumstances I am faced with. How do I know what to do....
Where this is going next is so simple, it is to say, 'I don't know how to do this' and then ask for help, from the person you want to be in relationship with or the system you can't be heard in! The words that came to me were 'I don't know how to be in a relationship with you, so if you really want me in your life then, you are going to have to teach me!' I am smiling as I write this!
As an aside, I have been reading the book 'how we decide' by Jonah Lehrer and I believe this is part of the unfolding for me. If we are trained to learn from our mistakes, by not making them again and we are rewarded (chemical reactions in the brain) when something good happens - surprise, surprise we avoid the stuff that doesn't feel good and therefore we make our lives smaller and smaller, only doing the things we know how to and not taking risks or stepping outside our comfort zone. This is how the majority of the human race lives their lives, by playing it safe and by playing small! (I notice I get a physical hit in my stomach, when I type these words, I guess I have more work to do here!).
So, where am I going with this - you know, I'm not sure. I do know one thing, I know that (thanks to my lovely friend Linda - you know who you are) this blog was part of me finding my voice and part of me being fully seen and heard. I have always wanted to write and I know my spelling is not great and I am not very well 'formally' educated, no degrees or anything, or so my Gremlin used to tell me, and yes, I have never done it before, so I have no point of reference.
Here's the exciting part, I just did 'it', I set up my blog and noticed that writing really helps me process - and I do have a little experience actually. I remember when I first got a coach, I found that when I would write an email to her before our sessions about the topic I had been working on, then all of a sudden, I started to make connections, things started to unfold and became clearer. So, I guess if we all start to pay attention to the things that work for us, the things we get enjoyment from, the things we are inspired by then its much easier to be heard! Bye the way - my singing is getting better too! Thank God! (He is getting a lot of thanks today....)
When I was in my coaching session with my Glorious coach the other day, I named, time after time in the last month, where my voice was heard, where I found my voice, and what I noticed is that when I speak from my heart not only do I get heard but also I am being a more full expression of myself. That's just really landed for me. Being more of myself.... Wow! Giving myself permission to be more of myself. I am shocked and excited by this.
I have had the most profound week of my life and the content is not important, what is important is that I just realised that to be a full expression of myself, I have to welcome the things that, up until now I have 'mostly' avoided. So, I am asking myself, what is the gift in being disorganised? Where is the gift in rejection? What happens if people don't like what they see or hear? If I am living my life from my heart and not my head (I have nothing against heads, they are very useful parts of the body, if a little over used) if I am not thinking and analysing everything and the potential outcome of everything, if its a risk or what might happen blah, blah, blah, blah.... When I am living from my heart life kind of feels easier and simplier and more powerful somehow!
I took a huge step this week in living from my heart and the response was incredable, amazing and life changing.... I am so proud of myself for the way I have showed up fully this week. (Now, I have tears in my eyes), I now have a reference point of how to show up more fully and from my heart! (I am laughing as the tears roll down my face)... I guess today I realised what people mean when they say to me 'you have a huge heart'.... Wow! I really didn't expect to get this learning from writing this blog! I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
Monday, 2 March 2009
The Voice of the System
So what is the 'voice of the system'... what does it mean, what do we create when we become a partner with another person, set of people or business. What do we consciously invite into our lives? When are we conscious and intentional about the things that we create with others or even the change that happens in our own lives when we invite others to share it.
Take me as a classic example, I love to collaborate with others, I love to have other people in my life and I love to be open and honest with the people that I invite into my life, for the sake of my collaboration with them. What I fail to do, is, to be conscious about, what it is they want, I check that they want to play and yes they do. However I don't ask them, how much they want to play, or how long they want to play for or do they want to play as much as I want to play or what does play look like for them, to help me understand if their version of 'play' resembles my version. No, not really, I rarely have that conversation.
What I am starting to notice is that when I invite others into my life I create something with them, which is a mixture of me and them. So, if I am very organised and I invite someone or an organisation into my life that is not, then guess what, working or playing with them will be less organised than it is when I am alone. Because this is what we create together. Now here is the interesting bit, to create relationship and understanding we have to be open to each others differences and we have to own what we create together, whilst still being individuals as well as partners. So the voice of the system needs to be heard and the individual voices that create the system have to be heard too... interesting.
I believe as leaders and coaches we get hooked on deep democracy (all the voices of the system being heard - you, me) and don't spend enough time looking at or listening for the the voice of the system itself (we). In my case above that would mean that the disorganised voice (you) and the organised voice (me) creates a voice of the system which (us) which is both organised and dis-organised - Wow! If we own the fact that we are both organised and disorganised then we can do something with it. However if our individual voices are the only thing that is heard, (and sometimes we are so in our own stuff that we don't hear the others voice) then the impact can be to separate us rather than bring us together. We have to move from a place of 'who is doing what to whom' to a place of 'what is trying to happen' in the system. When all the voices of the system are not heard and this happens, in particular, with the unpopular or marginalized voices, then issues recycle themselves. When issues recycle themselves it is a clear indication that all the voices have not been heard. The opportunity here is to celebrate the diversity of being human and acknowledge and appreciate each others differences! Easier said than done!
Similarly, when I invite a partner to work with me then I invite the things into my life that we create together by being in relationship with each other. We would never go into a business relationship with anyone without a contract or a document of understanding or even simply a discussion about our intentions..... so here's the dilemma, is it not true that our personal relationships are more important than our business ones and yet we spend less time designing our partnerships and our alliances with these people, or should I say I do.......
Take me as a classic example, I love to collaborate with others, I love to have other people in my life and I love to be open and honest with the people that I invite into my life, for the sake of my collaboration with them. What I fail to do, is, to be conscious about, what it is they want, I check that they want to play and yes they do. However I don't ask them, how much they want to play, or how long they want to play for or do they want to play as much as I want to play or what does play look like for them, to help me understand if their version of 'play' resembles my version. No, not really, I rarely have that conversation.
What I am starting to notice is that when I invite others into my life I create something with them, which is a mixture of me and them. So, if I am very organised and I invite someone or an organisation into my life that is not, then guess what, working or playing with them will be less organised than it is when I am alone. Because this is what we create together. Now here is the interesting bit, to create relationship and understanding we have to be open to each others differences and we have to own what we create together, whilst still being individuals as well as partners. So the voice of the system needs to be heard and the individual voices that create the system have to be heard too... interesting.
I believe as leaders and coaches we get hooked on deep democracy (all the voices of the system being heard - you, me) and don't spend enough time looking at or listening for the the voice of the system itself (we). In my case above that would mean that the disorganised voice (you) and the organised voice (me) creates a voice of the system which (us) which is both organised and dis-organised - Wow! If we own the fact that we are both organised and disorganised then we can do something with it. However if our individual voices are the only thing that is heard, (and sometimes we are so in our own stuff that we don't hear the others voice) then the impact can be to separate us rather than bring us together. We have to move from a place of 'who is doing what to whom' to a place of 'what is trying to happen' in the system. When all the voices of the system are not heard and this happens, in particular, with the unpopular or marginalized voices, then issues recycle themselves. When issues recycle themselves it is a clear indication that all the voices have not been heard. The opportunity here is to celebrate the diversity of being human and acknowledge and appreciate each others differences! Easier said than done!
Similarly, when I invite a partner to work with me then I invite the things into my life that we create together by being in relationship with each other. We would never go into a business relationship with anyone without a contract or a document of understanding or even simply a discussion about our intentions..... so here's the dilemma, is it not true that our personal relationships are more important than our business ones and yet we spend less time designing our partnerships and our alliances with these people, or should I say I do.......
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