Where do you 'come' from.......

So, depending on where I come from (or who I am being) the 'doing' will have a different meaning.

Am I going to the gym because I want to keep my body fit and healthy and honour my value of longevity? Or am I going to the gym because I 'have to!’

Am I hiring a coach because I want to the personal growth, or am I hiring a coach because it says I have to have one during my leadership programme? So I am fulfilling the requirements and 'ticking the boxes'.

Can you feel the difference in the 'come from’? One comes from an external place, so that this or that does or doesn't happen to me, or so that this or that person gets what they want. The other comes from a place of being connected to oneself and ones values....

The place you come from ‘infects’ the thing you are doing with the attitude you have in your approach to it. Where do you have an approach or an attitude that empowers and supports the things that you choose to do? Also, think about where you have an attitude or approach that dis-empowers the things you choose to do.

A very wise person once said to me that people typically show up in one of two ways, as a victim of circumstance or as someone who treats whatever happens to them as an opportunity to learn and grow… which type of person are you? Which type do you want to be?

As I write this I am reminded of the book ‘power and love’ by Adam Kahne and the distinction that he makes between ‘generative’ and ‘degenerative’ Power and Love….

I know that is a bit of a left turn for some of you, or maybe not. The point being that Generative Power and Love are the way to create real change in the world. What I mean by generative is to give power to, to empower people. To treat them as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, knowing that nothing is broken and nothing needs fixing.

I believe that we have Generative or Degenerative attitudes to things and to people and that depending on our attitude we may or may not have the impact we desire.

How do we step out of those degenerative positions and step into generative beings, who know we are loved and who know we are good enough. Who understand that we are loved and respected and that is true all of the time, not just some of the time. People don’t get upset with each other because of what they believe; people get upset because of a behaviour or lack of behaviour. Because we either do or don’t do something that someone was expecting.

How do we stop running away from people, how do we stay engaged, even and more importantly when the going gets tough? Staying engaged in a generative way and saying in dialogue and holding on to the fact that people don’t get upset with us as people, they just get upset at the way we behave. It’s really important to remember this in all of the systems we work in or are part of. Why? Well because we all make mistakes and if we can’t stay engaged life will become isolated and lonely.

Where do you stay and where do you run away?

What is it all about really......

What I am processing right now is the fact that I am noticing, for me personally and for the lots of the other people in my life, what makes all the difference in the actions we take is 'where is the action coming from'. So, going back to the complying, controlling and protecting reactive strategies I talked about previously, they 'pretty much' all come from a place of 'not being enough'....

So, think about that, 'where are you coming from in the actions you take?'

Also I notice that actions that come from the place of not being enough are usually about coping with the circumstances of now, explaining and justifying how we got to where we are and why it's important to dwell on the past and coping with now. Usually, there seems to be 'struggle' that is going on when this happens. God do I remember how much energy I used to use up trying to change 'what is'. So what if we decide to let go of judgement around 'what is' and just let it be.
Can you feel the freedom of 'it is, what it is'.

I good friend of mine reminded me of the Serenity Prayer yesterday, not just the first couple of sentences, more importantly the lesser known second part of the prayer, here's a reminder for those of you who are unfamiliar with it.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

What if we just accepted that way of being. How would your world look, feel, be different?

I am personally going to 'chew' on that for a while. I guess my initial impression is, how do I do this when those around me aren't, can't or don't know how.... Anyway, as usual I will start with myself. Here's the place I am looking, Oh! this is brilliant, where do I come from when I see these former behaviours in others, do I just allow them to process it for themselves or do I jump in and try to fix it for them?

Talk about layers......

Well, what can I say, how long have I been doing this work for? Nearly ten years now and still I have learning about how it unfolds over time.
I had a very sad personal experience recently, the loss of a good friend to Cancer after a four and a half year battle - she fought hard to keep her dignity and always remained determined to maintain the best quality of life she could, until the very end.

I had been with Ruth when she went for her first Chemo appointment, it was distressing to see someone who had always put a 'brave face on' scream in the distress as the nurses were not able to get the needle into her vein to start the treatment. This first visit has left a huge mark on me and my experience that day really helped me to understand that honoring values is does not always feel good at the time. Now, however I am so proud that I was with her, not just on that day but on every appointment for her first round of Chemo and then again when she got diagnosed as the tumor reappeared after a small time in remission.

As my friend got sicker she withdrew from her extended friendships and focused her energy on her family and grandchildren and very closest friends. I tried to contact her on many occasions and although we talked, briefly and emailed some we didn't really see much of each other in the last year of her life. I realised after our last conversation on 31st October 2010 that the next time I would be with Ruth would be her Funeral. And that turned out to be true!

As I write this, (bye the way, after the initial sorrow and tears at the time she died, I have been in neutral about this topic for about 3 weeks) I notice that it is starting to stir things (emotions) up inside me. I like that feeling.

I believe that my sadness around Ruth's death is without doubt the loss of a dear and loving friend with whom I shared lots of professional experiences at work. I will always remember our first meeting, which happened to be in a smoking room when she was talking about the people she was managing at the time. Ruth had a sharp mind and sometimes an even sharper tongue. Anyway, she said that the people she was working with only walked straight because they had a 'chip on both shoulders', well I laughed until I almost cried.... so I miss those times and the times after she retired when we shared holidays and other experiences together.

Her loss has also opened something else up in me, I realised that those people who I had expected to be there for me, were not. No calls, no emails not even a cyber hug! That hurt me a lot and I was bewildered, shocked and stunned at this. I had people from my Choir calling me and hugging me in the street, people at the gym doing the same and friends of myself and Ruth were able to support each other, all of which was a great help to me.

The realisation of the old pattern came just a few days ago, and to be honest I am quite shocked at this discovery myself, so stick with me, this might get messy! The realisation I had was, this is the same pattern that has shown up all my life in intimate relationships, I am always there, I always lean in, sometimes more that 100% and guess what, the pattern is that quite often I fall over! Because the people I was leaning in to, can not, or do not lean back to stop me from falling.

It makes me sad to admit this to the world and yet I know it is true, my Gremlin in having a field day right now, telling me I'm not lovable and its because they think I am so independent that I don't need help. What I know to be true is that I have a value around 'being there' for people and clearly I also want people to 'be there' for me. So, when they are not I feel alone and isolated and very sad.

This has both painful and great learning all at the same time. What I am most proud of during this experience is that I have owned my own emotions, I have not placed blame on others and projected my needs onto others as their inadequacy. I have stayed with the emotions until something shifted, some realisation happened and some learning took place within me.

I am now ready to engage in conversation about this experience and this blog has helped me to create learning around this whole experience too. I didn't have much idea what I was going to write today and yet when I put finger to keyboard, it just seemed to flow.

With love to you and those you love, alive or not, may you remember them always. The priest at Ruth's service said 'people die twice, the first time physically and the second time when they are forgotten'. Ruth will never be forgotten nor will the learning she gave to me in my friendship with her when she was alive and the gift she left me with as she passed on to the next world. Thank you my friend.

I'm leaving this blog with tears in my eyes and love in my heart.

Are you moving towards, away from or against people?

Interesting eh! What did you notice about your behaviours?

Are you moving against people? Do you demonstrate any of the following?
Compete with people? Set exacting standards? Strive for perfection?
Need to get your own way? Do you .....
Exert tremendous effort and energy to achieve goals? Speaking directly and bluntly?
Push yourself and others to win? Take charge in most situations?

Are you moving away from people? Do you demonstrate any of the following?
Holding back to see how situations unfold?
Identifying what is wrong, illogical or lacking in plans?
Do you see the flaws in others' thinking, speaking and actions?
Are you always analysing what is right and wrong all the time?

Are you moving towards people? Do you demonstrate any of the following?
Being a do-gooder?
Saying 'yes' when you really mean 'no'?
Cautiously managing what you do to stay in the good grace of others?
Calibrating the emotional climate in situations to see if it is safe to speak?
Double checking with Authority/Hierarchy before taking any action?
Couching your speech so that others will not have a strong emotional response?

There are gifts and costs the these behaviours and usually the impact depends on the receiver!
Yes I know, that's a downer isn't it - the impact you have is typically different depending upon who you are in dialogue with or being with at the time.

Where I would point you (any myself) is to notice the emotional impact on yourself of these behaviours and know that whatever you are experiencing is of your own choice. There may be nothing happening with the other person or people you are interacting with.

We could save ourselves a lot of time and effort in simply noticing our learned behaviours and asking ourselves the question. How does this serve me? and Where does it get in my way?
Then choose the behaviours that serve you and get curious about what beliefs create the behaviours that get in your way.

What are the beliefs you are attached to that no longer serve you?
Get writing.....

How our beliefs impact our behaviour....

Of course I hear you say - Doh! And think about it... when do you sit down and get conscious of all those beliefs? I just did some work with Rick Carson the author of Taming you Gremlin (an amazing man and an amazing book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Taming-Your-Gremlin-Revised-Surprisingly/dp/0060520221/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1305377865&sr=1-1) the strap line of which is, a surprisingly simple method of getting out of your own way. The point being that Rick says that beliefs are just opinions that we have become attached to. Think about that, just an opinion that you have become attached to.

Here are some very common beliefs;
Fast is good and slow is bad. More is better. Less is better. Guilt has value. Being busy means I'm valued. If I'm dedicated and work hard they'll look after me. If I am honest and open then everyone else will be too.

Now, there is nothing wrong with these as opinions or even positions to take at some point in our lives about some circumstances. However, the issue arises when these opinions become a 'way of life', when we make rules up, that define this is the way it is, and this is how we act and react to all circumstances we are faced with and that these beliefs are 'the truth'.

In conjunction with the Rick Carson work, I have also being doing lots of work around the 'Adult stages of development' and strangely enough this work talks about the strategies we deploy as children in order to stay safe and be loved. So, lets explore that for a while before coming on to what those strategies are. See http://www.amazon.co.uk/Our-Inner-Conflicts-Constructive-Neurosis/dp/0393309401/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1305377669&sr=8-2 and http://www.amazon.co.uk/Immunity-Change-Potential-Organization-Leadership/dp/1422117367/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1305377827&sr=1-1

As children we are born into a 'land of giants', we are at their mercy and there is no doubt that they are in charge. The adults in our lives can give us too much love, not enough love, they can involve us in arguments that don't involve us, or ask us to take sides. They can give us too much responsibility or not enough. Too much freedom or not enough freedom and so on and so forth.

At a very young age we decide on 'typically' one of three strategies to survive in this 'land of giants', where the adults make all the rules. Controlling, Protecting or Complying are all reactive strategies we use to respond to external circumstances or influences and we all do some, or all of them as children and habitually we bring some of that behaviour into our adult lives.

Controlling is about being the best, knowing what needs to happen and taking action, it's about getting the job done, it's about being as good or better than the adults who are in charge, so that we will be accepted and therefore safe - they will admire and appreciate us, if not look up to us.

Protecting is about being the expert and keeping it to ourselves, so we distance ourselves and we look on from afar, knowing the answers, knowing what needs to happen and being unwilling or unable to engage. If we keep our distance then we are safe and no-one can hurt us.

Complying is about being in relationship, its about moving towards people, focusing on people, its about wanting to be liked and connecting with the people who have power without wanting to have the power oneself. So that the powerful people will take care of us.

So, I am going to stop my output here for now.... and ask you to do some work....

1) Take a moment to write down your beliefs, and the behaviours they create. Try not to get into analysis, simply notice what they are.

Once you have done that, take a break and when the time is right then come back and
2) have a think about what reactive strategies you learned as a Child that are still present in your behaviour today.

More to come.....

Our view on the world creates the experience we have of it....

I feel compelled to write about my learning from a coaching class I led this weekend in London. The class was all about conscious choice and finding a powerful perspective to view your situation from, for the sake of creating from possibility rather than circumstance.

Firstly, I personally had a 'breakthrough' or 'light bulb' moment this morning myself about the way I was viewing the weekend and the attitude I had.... it was very powerful for me to realise that although my point of view was powerful, with one small 'tweak' I could have really shifted something that bothered me! I am so interested and excited about the simplicity of this work and yet the complexity of us as human beings. I think that is why, when we run these courses, every one is a different experience, with a different group and a different set of leaders.

It is a great lesson for all of us to know that we, as human beings, are the things that change our own and others experience of life. Also within the experience we share with others, we actually do not share the same experience, we may be in the same room, viewing the same material, coaching or working experentially with people - and still, we will not experience it in the same way! How cool is that!

Now when we expand that experience to the rest of our lives, of course that means that when we are in relationships with others, we are having different experiences in the same relationship. Doh! I hear you say! So, if that is true - how much permission do we give ourselves to get curious about what is going on for the other person? How much responsibility do we take for sharing our experience of the relationship with them? Or do we just default to blaming them or making them wrong! This is a huge subject to simply notice your own habits around.

Where are you blaming others for your attitude towards them, or your point of view on them??

Where are you stuck in the place of being a victim or villain or hero, any of these perspectives or points of view automatically create the other two roles for other people in your life.

So, you can't be a victim unless someone else is being the villain and if you are being the victim then your a probably waiting for someone to come and rescue you from the villain... and be your hero... this is so fascinating to explore. The only way out is to get into a more powerful perspective on the subject.

Finding powerful perspectives to view ourselves and the world creates a rainbow of colour in our lives, it removes the black and white and allows us to experience lots of colours, creativity and spontaneity in our lives. Can you imagine getting curious about how everyone else was viewing their experience of life and coming from a place of not knowing.... well that is our job as Coaches are Leadership Trainers.

How would being in a place of not knowing serve you in your life? What or who would you get curious about? What would there be to celebrate about that? What would be fascinating about that? I know some of you won't understand the next statement - and I know some of you will.

So, as I sit here on my 'Bench' and view my world, I see that I can create a more powerful experience for myself by making some very small 'tweaks'. Happy me!

Pushing the boundaries.....

Where are your boundaries..... and what is their purpose? Are they there to protect you? Or are they there to keep you playing small. What is your hearts desire? What stops you from reaching out and creating that world? You can do it, we all can, once we have that Vision, that purpose in life, and the passion and energy to make it happen. We can create anything we want.

Four or five years ago I had a vision of what I wanted my life to be like. (Bye the way, writing this blog today is one way that I am using to stay present to what I have created. It's hard for me to Stay present to it and not to create the next vision or plan or just move on quickly).

I didn't cross the t's or dot the i's and I did know the flavour of what I wanted. How many days I wanted to work, the kind of work I wanted to do, the impact I wanted to have etc. So, I set off on my Journey, one step at a time. When people put obstacles in the way, sometimes I fought with them, some times I surrendered, some times I bypassed them. The one thing I always did was keep hold of the vision of what I was trying to create and the impact I was trying to have!

I worked with Mentors and Coaches, I learned about me, I stretched myself and I surprised myself too. Here is the biggest surprise of all - the more I stretched myself, the more of me I found - that was and still is a bit of a shock to me. I stretched myself in many ways, physically, emotionally and logically. I took Acting and Singing lessons, I went to a couple of fitness boot camps, I learned that I liked taking risks, at work and at home and that I enjoy the energy that it creates in me.

I asked for what I wanted and stayed around long enough to see if I had to negotiate... and I got really clear with myself about what I was willing to sacrifice for the sake of creating the impact I wanted to have..... I remember, just before going to call on the GM of my company to ask for his support, one of my mentors asked me 'Will you still have a job if the GM doesn't support you?' and I replied 'Yes, I will still have a job - the question I will have to ask myself is, do I still want to do it'.... my reply was immediate, I didn't have to think about it and it came from a grounded place. I was not being arrogant, although I understand it could have come across that way.

I asked the Man I loved to leave his wife and kids to create the relationship we said we wanted. I gave him the space to think about it, knowing that we had been having an affair for many years and that was no longer enough for me. He said that he couldn't leave them and so I understood. I cried (a lot) and I walked away for the final time, knowing that loving him was not enough for me to be fulfilled. Also knowing that if I had stayed I would be selling out on myself.

Have a met the man of my dreams, no not yet! And what I do know is that there is space in my life and in my heart for him when he is ready to show up and show up he will, and soon!

I am pleased I found a way to write this blog that feels like it comes from a humble place, when I came back to a draft of this that I started earlier, I didn't like what I had written, it sounded like it was all about Ego and that is not the intent of this. My intent as I write this is to inspire you to have a Vision or a dream of how you want your life to be and then set out on your journey of discovery and start creating it, one step at the time!

Oh and bye the way, I find it hard to distinguish between fear and excitement these days!
How cool is that!