Madiba - How one man changed the world......

I have been surprised at the impact Nelson Mandela's death has had on me. I have been in tears many, many times since I heard the news.  One part of me was so happy for him that he is now at peace and resting in the quiet and another part of me longs for him to still be here to hold the reconciliation that he fought so strongly for.  I also realise as I write that this man changed me, changed me personally, he gave me the belief that one person can make a difference, that when you stick to your values and are willing to 'fight' for what is 'right' you can, and will have an impact in the world.

I was with a Coaching client this morning at 8am and what surprised both of us is that I needed to speak my sadness at the loss of Madiba before I could continue with the call. I was in tears!  I said I had been thinking, would I be willing to go to prison for all those years in order to take a stand for what I believed in, my initial reaction was, no, I'm not sure I would.  Then I remembered that he was actually taking a stand for his children and his grand children, he was determined that they would not have to live a life of in-equality and that was what he fought for.  Am I willing to take a stand for that, YES, do I have children of my own to fight for? NO, are there generations of other people's kids that are worth fighting for, god damn it YES.....  I often say to my Coaches in training - I want to thank you from the children of your clients, because that is the work you are choosing to do, to change and shift the generations to come.

So, for me Madiba took a stand for his people, all of us, not just the black people who of course were being treated very badly, but he took a stand for all of us, for the wholeness that comes from being inclusive, from appreciating everyone and everything in life.  We might not like everything and everyone and there is always something to appreciate.

For me Nelson Mandela stands for Freedom, for Life, for Change and for humanity.  I feel in deep appreciation that I was alive at a time where I could be influenced by such a huge figure and one who carried himself with such humility.  I remember reading 'long walk to freedom' over 20 years ago and being staggered by the fact that having completed his BA, he had no idea of his own personal history or that of his tribe.  This experience made me think deeply about my life and my history and the footprints I want to leave behind me for others to walk in.

Madiba you are an inspiration, you are the definition of Leadership and you model a beautiful mix of 'generative power' and 'generative love' to the people. A hearty mix that changes the world. See Adam Kahne's book 'Power and love' for the definition.  I felt the urge to write today, I'm glad I took the time to put finger to keyboard.  May the world send loving energy to Madiba so that his transition from his human overcoat to that of his spirit be easy and flowing, so that he continues to inspire and motivate us.

Thank you Nelson Mandela.  Tata Madiba!
These are my words
Rx

The importance of Coaching.....

I was commissioned recently or should I say challenged to write an article on Coaching and why it matters in one side of A4 only.....  this is what I came up with.  Enjoy Rx

The Importance of Coaching……

You will notice by the Title of this piece that we are talking a stand that Coaching is important.

We think it is important because it helps people to grow and we were put on this planet to grow, as human beings that is part of the evolution of the human race, to grow, it’s that simple.

So, how does Coaching make you grow?

Coaching is a journey of self-awareness, it is about being more conscious of who you are, by becoming aware of your value system, that is, the things that inspire and motivate you to live a life of Vitality.  It will also make you aware of  what you stand for, the things that you want to make real in the world, your legacy, the things you are passionate about, therefore helping you to become clearer about your purpose and the direction you want to take your life in.

In addition, to helping you to see who you are and what you stand for, it will also help you understand some of the limiting beliefs that you might have about yourself and about the world and how it works.  These negative energies can have us, either going around in circles or stuck in a place of lots of brain-mind activity.  These are the places were we use lots of thinking energy and can end up taking little or no action.  We refer to these activities as Gremlins or Saboteurs.

Fundamentally, Coaching is about having you step up to be a Leader in your own life; it is about stepping away from victim-hood and into taking charge so that you can create the outcomes you want.  In my experience Coaching is a gateway into personal Leadership and it will allow you to have more impact with less effort in every aspect of your life.

Coaching is also about freeing up energy that one can waste on negative thoughts, judgements or criticisms of yourself and those around you and moving that energy into positive, life affirming ways of being, with yourself, your partner, your family and your work.

Often these days we are ‘trained’ in the art of getting things done and this is indeed very important.  However, one needs to also make sure we are paying attention to who we are being, in the doing.  You know we are Human Beings and not Human Doings!

Coaching will help you to connect with your identity more, help you to trust yourself more and therefore help you to be calmer and more confident in yourself and your abilities.  When one trusts one-self, it gives out an energy that is compelling to others.  You know what it feels like to be in the presence of someone who ‘has presence’ vs someone who does not.

By trusting yourself, understanding your value system and having a view of the purpose and direction you want to take your life in, it will give you clarity, it will help you to decide where to put your energy and how not to waste it.  When you get clear about where to put your energy, it will help you to make more powerful choices about your life and it will help you to be present to the experiences are having, as opposed to regretting the past or making things up about the future, which is what your Gremlin or Saboteur would have you do with your energy.

Coaching will also improve your emotional intelligence and help you to use your energy in more impactful ways. Emotions are just ‘energy in motion’, they are meant to move and flow, and working with a Coach will train you in ways to use your emotions in a powerful, life affirming way; for the benefit of yourself and those around you.

I believe that everyone who wants to be emotionally healthy should have a Coach, it is like hiring a personal trainer.  The bottom line is that Coaching helps you have more impact with less effort. 

What a great Metaphor nature can be......

Just a short post to share a little story with you....

I was gardening a few weeks ago, you know clearing flower pots and preparing for Spring and Summer planting.  I came across a pot which had Lilies in it, and was disappointed to see only one left.
When I looked closer I noticed that actually there were two Lilies in the pot but one of them had got itself caught under the rim of the pot and was growing sideways along the rim at a right angle.

The flower was strong and I could see how hard it had been pushing along that rim in the darkness, desperately looking for the light.  So, I did the best I could to release the flower from being trapped in the rim of the pot, of course, not wanting to damage it in anyway.  I eventually managed to release it, with a lot of care and attention, knowing that I couldn't release it without a few scrapes and scars.

As I look at the flower now, it is strong, twice as strong as the Lily that didn't get caught up and trapped in the rim of the pot.  It has a few scars on its leaves and a bend in its stem which is hardly visible.  I also notice that the new growth is beautiful and green and you would never know it had been trapped for that long, never knowing if it would get released.

I see the flowers starting to form and I know that they will be beautiful and bright and there will not be any sign of the history, that had this plant follow a path that it was never meant to take.

So, as I share this story with you, I am reminded of what a metaphor it is for my own life.  I was trapped for many years, in the belief that we were separate as human beings, in the belief that we are conditioned to compete, and living in a world that is fashioned in a way that people think they have to be significant and in order for that to be true, it has to be at someone else expense!  The belief that we had to separate ourselves in order to be number one and win... In a world where we get trained that wealth equals happiness, in a job that didn't show my talents, in a life that was not fulfilling, not really - I mean on the surface no one knew, except I knew, in my heart that there was more to life than that.

So, I pushed on in the dark, in the paradox of not knowing and really knowing that I could find the light.
Thanks to some very fine Gardeners, you know who you are, I managed to release myself from that trap, to stretch myself and to risk reaching for the light.  I got a few scars along the way, my bruises healed and my core got strong again. 

I found a world where co-operation is key, where we can learn from nature and the universe, after all it has been around a lot longer than we have! The basis of nature is co-operation and democracy, it is within our DNA, it is how we are made.

Nature teaches us to use only what we need, and to leave enough for others to survive, it teaches us that when one plant or animal dominates it usually leads to extinction.  Lets learn from the world around us, that we are living things, who are a part of nature and can collaborate and co-operate with nature and each other to ensure the survival of all.

My life is fulfilled and my direction and purpose is clear, my commitment is strong. Just like the Lily!
Keep your eye out for metaphor's that speak to you.
Rx

How are you doing energetically?....

I meant to post this months ago and never got around to it..... so here we go....

It's a New Year right! Are you full of excitement about the possibility of what this next year will bring?
Are you setting your intentions, in order that you clearly and consciously create the experiences you want to create during 2013.
You know, if new years resolutions alone worked, then us Coaches and Leadership trainers would be out of work.
So, how is it for you? Are you directing your energy into making that resolution become real or will it just sit on the 'shelf' of good ideas along side all the other new years resolutions?  Are they really resolutions or are you just 'in love' with the idea of them?

Here is what I know, I know that as I get older I have to pay attention to my energy levels, they are not what they used to be when I was in my 20's and 30's.  My whole body is changing, and as you all know, our bodies change, at a cellular level every 7 years.  I have just started my 8th cycle of 7 year cycles and I can already tell that this one is different.

For example, my fitness does not last as long as it did. I used to be able to take 3 or 6 months out of the gym with little or no impact, not now my friends, I have to stay 'on it' in order to ensure that I look and feel healthy.  I noticed over Christmas the lbs were starting to creep back on again after a period of about 4 months were I made little or no time available to keep my health and fitness in the forefront of my consciousness.  I knew it was happening, and yet, I allowed other things to become a priority.

Something strange happened when I was out for a run this morning.  I should back track, sorry.  I was inspired by my niece to go for a run with her on 30th Dec.  I'm not a runner, I never have been, I love being out in nature, I'm not even bothered by the rain.  Bottom line is that running and me have never been buddy's.

So, off I went with her and ended up doing to 2 mile run, it didn't kill me and I stopped when I had to (usually going up hill) and it was OK.  I actually felt pretty good when I got back.  So, I have done the same run every morning since then, that is 6 mornings last week.  I feel pretty good about it too.

Anyway, what I noticed on morning of the third run was that, the old Gemlin voices came back, oh! is cold, oh! maybe you could go for a long walk instead! Blah Blah Blah...  What I did was new to me, I just decided to shift that energy, simply move it from my head to my heart, using my breathing (it does take practise) and guess what happened.  My heart-mind said, yes its a beautiful crisp Winters day and your body will love you, even more, if you take it out for that run.  It was magical.

As I was out on my run I noticed how much easier the whole thing felt, and how I was in more of a 'can do' attitude to the whole experience.  Something has shifted in me.  This might not sound like a big deal to any of you, let me tell you that I have tried to like running for the last 30 years and all the time I was self talking, 'just a little further', or 'you can stop when you get to x', on and on the head noise went, until this week when I managed to quiet it down, how much more enjoyable the runs have been.  I have run further and for longer and enjoyed them more..... as I said Magical!

So, if you are like me and want to make some of those intentions for 2013 real, please start to notice where you are putting your energy.  Is it into the excuses of why you shouldn't do the things you have set out to do?
Is your energy in your Brain-mind which talks a lot about what you will do, which makes you an expert having lots and lots of information but actually you never get around to do anything.
Or is it coming from your Heart-mind which knows how to nurture and care for yourself and knows that health and fitness is the key to sustainability and longevity.

I have been physically fit for most of my life and reasonably trim, although I had a big wobble when I hit the menopause for a couple of years.  What I know is that my body and mind respond well to exercise and I am a happier and healthier person when I engage in it. We also know what when we move we shift our energy too and with practice we can shift it by choice.... honestly!

I am also aware that I have just bust wide open my biggest excuse for not exercising when I am away from home. There's no gym for me to go to.... now I don't need a gym!

I guess the other thing I noticed is the before my 'break through' I was doing the running by pure will power, forcing myself to go, now I am doing coming from a place of wanting to run and enjoying it.  I am doing the same thing (running) and yet I am being very different in the doing and it is so much more fun this way!

Where are you getting in your own way?
Where are you saying you want one thing and then doing something else?
Where are you in denial?
Is your energy in your head, creating a lot of noise or head-talk as I like to call it?
What will it take to step up and put your energy firmly into the life you want to create, rather than the one you have?
I believe that anything is possible, you just have to want it enough (I'm not talking about material things) and be willing to make the effort to make it real.  You have to want it enough to use your Will Power to make it happen.
Enjoy exploring, or simply noticing where this resonates with you.
If this doesn't resonate with you, well good for you. I'm in awe!

Bye the way for the record one of my intentions for 2013 is to feel fit and healthy and if I can lose a few pounds along the way, all be better!
Happy New Year everyone Rx

Paying Attention to the impact we have....

It is interesting to me to 'simply notice' that we all (sweeping generalisation) go about not really thinking about the impact we want to have.  No really, in every interaction you are having with everyone you are with, everyone you talk to, or not, you are having an impact - don't you think that it would be powerful to be conscious about the impact you want to have?  I quote myself from the realisation I had of this, I said 'I'm having an impact anyway, I may as well be conscious of what I want that impact to be!'.

So, why don't we do this? What stops us bringing a positive energy into the discussions we have with loved ones, for instance? I know for me personally, I am more likely to think about it before I do my work, before a Coaching call or before leading a workshop and definitely before I go to an important meeting.  Yet, when it comes to the people I love, rarely do I think about the energy I want to bring into those discussions.

I wondered for years about 'unintended impact', is that about me? or is it about the other person? does it matter if its not intentional? and what became clear to me recently is that it really does matter, and not just with the interactions with other, but also with the interactions I have with myself.

If I am at peace with myself and being kind, loving, nurturing and nourishing to myself, physically, mentally and emotionally then the energy I bring to my relationships with others, is kind, loving, etc etc... and I can be less conscious because I know it is my 'way of being', if however, I am not being all those positive things then I will bring another kind of energy to my relationships!

How are you in relationship with yourself?
How do you talk to yourself?
How balanced is your life? and I don't just mean work and home...
How do you nurture yourself and nourish yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally?
What energies do you bring to those around you?
Are they intentional energies? Or unconscious?
What is your intended or unintended impact?

Dig around, see what you find.  Be curious about what you become aware of, don't judge yourself - it is what it is.  The real question is, What do you want to do about it? Or even how do you want to BE about it!

Sending love to you all and as we prepare for Christmas around the world, bring positive loving energy to those you love, take care of yourself and love and nurture yourself and those around you.  As you do this 'simply notice' the impact on yourself and others........Rx

What have your created?.... and more importantly, is it what you want?

Where do I start with this topic, it has been brewing within me now for weeks and I have been unable to put finger to keyboard.

So, lets start here - What is the life you have created?

Is it alive, do you feel the blood pumping through your veins every day and think YES! this is exactly the life I want to live?

So, if not, why not?

As I said to a client the other day, If not YOU, then WHO and if not NOW, then WHEN?  Well?

So what are we waiting for?

What's stopping us?

Let me have a stab at answering that question from my own personal perspective... and let me say at this stage, that I have a great life, I travel, I have great friends, I fantastic job, wonderful experiences and there is still one thing missing!

So, here is what I know about me - what stops me in having the life I want, is the patterns and behaviours and traps of the past which I keep repeating over and over again in my life!

Yes, and you guessed it, of course, I keep blaming other people for them or worse than that, I don't actually take personal responsibility and take a stand for myself and say, OK well if this is what you truly, then what is stopping you having it.

And, we all know it's not that simple either, there are mortgages and bills to pay, kids to educate and feed blah, blah, blah, blah.  Most of them are Gremlins anyway...... typically.

I have been saying for the last 10 years of my life that I want to have a Partner who will love me and trust me and live life to the full with me and, as yet, this superman has not materialised.  I wonder why?

Well let me tell you why, because I keep being tempted back into and old relationship, which does not serve me, which is not healthy for either of us and which does not fulfill either of us.  Why do I keep going back? Because, it’s familiar, I know how to be in it, the brokenness of it's circumstances are cosy. 

So, I am breathing now because I want to share with you a discovery I made this week about my own personal behaviour which has 'blown my socks off'. I realised that because of my interpretation of the way I was brought up, I created a belief around love and connection, that means (up until now) it is my responsibility to make sure that I ensure harmony, personally, in any loving relationship that I have had, and, that it is not a dual responsibility, that it my sole role.

It comes from having a Father who was not emotionally intelligent, who was educated by his parents that, if you wanted kids to do as they were told, you just stopped talking to them and engaging with them when they did something bad.  And, that you only reengaged with them when they had pleased you enough that you knew you were back in charge and that they wouldn't do that thing again, at least, not for a while anyway.

Can you imagine how frustrating that was for me as a Child, when all I wanted to know was why this? or why that? how does this work? how come that family is different to ours? one of the unwritten rules was you never ask questions like that, you know, the ones that are hard to answer.

I was christened Kissinger by my family when I was in my 20's because I was the one who always made the peace in the family (or at least this is how I remember it), between Brothers and Sisters, Husbands and Wives, Kids and Parents etc. until I reached the point where I was exhausted and I refused to do it any longer.  Little did I know that by then the 'seed' was planted and I was going to do that in all my intimate relationships for the foreseeable future, or the next 30 years to be precise!

What was the question that uncovered this 'little gem' for me?  I asked myself, why it is always me who reaches out to people to resolve conflicts, and where did that come from?  There were a lot of  conflicts in our house.  Not the useful ones, where you are embrace each others difference, and create some new understanding from that, the ones where one person was right, (usually the older one or the one who could shout the loudest) and the other was wrong.  That was, of course, just the opinion of one person in the discussion but it seemed to create a false sense of achievement to them that they had 'won' something or achieved something my pretending that them perceiving themselves to be right had actually made any difference in resolving anything.

Anyway, don't get me wrong here, I know my Parents did the best job they could, under the circumstances, and I love them dearly. Where I am pointing you to look, is where you did, like me, take on a belief about something that actually does not belong to you and was never yours in the first place.  And, if you find that belief is stopping you being fulfilled, keeping you in a relationship you don't want or a job you don't enjoy or a career that turns you cold.  Then ask yourself, what am I waiting for? What's stopping me?

And if you need one, or haven't already got one, then go get a Coach or someone who can help you dig into this self limiting belief so that it stops having such a hold over you.  

  

Why? So, that you can create the life you really do want to lead.

Don't do like I did and wait all these years to work it out!  

I feel like I have freed up 30 years of 'being stuck' around this topic, quite an amazing experience!

There is a lot more I could say around this discovery and suffice to say, I think I have said enough for you to get the gist of where I am pointing you.  

Wishing you happiness and joy!

What is Emotional intelligence and why does it matter?......

Good question eh? So, when you read the books it says it is our innate or inbuilt ability to feel, manage, articulate blah blah blah our emotions and that is true. The point that many of the text books miss out on is that we are not trained to be emotionally intelligent, we all (or most of us at least) have the inbuilt ability to access and practice this intelligence and yet we do not know how to use it, in a life affirming, adult way.

So, it feels like time to make some distinctions. Emotional intelligence is our ability to RESPOND, as opposed to REACT or be triggered. If we are to respond we have to be conscious and be in choice about how we want to respond. If we react usually we are in habitual motion or unconscious, and not in choice about how we react or what the impact of that reaction is.
To respond we need to be open, available, alert and centered, when we react we are usually closed, protected, tense and unbalanced.

Just a side note here to say that lots of people will do anything to avoid emotions full stop. Bad habits around smoking, eating, drinking and working typically come from the need or desire to avoid emotion. It is meant to move of flow e-motion, energy in motion or life force.

If we are to be in our Self-Authority (or Authentic) we consciously know that are authors of our own lives, we can decide how we respond to external events and we can choose the impact that external events have on us. Once we really start to author our own lives we become much more aware of how important it is to care for ourselves, each other and the environment around us.
What good are we if we give all of ourselves to others? Eventually, we become empty with nothing left to give - like a dry or empty well. Nurturing yourself and refilling your well is important if you are to be of service to others.

In order to choose consciously you have to do your own work around what triggers you? Where do you loose consciousness? What are the circumstances where you get triggered? Emotional Intelligence is about having a healthy relationship with your full emotional range, so that your emotions are stable and flexible all at the same time.

As leaders we need access to our full emotional range, so that we can have the impact we are meant to have. What do I mean by that, OK well, lets say I can't be with arrogance, my own or other peoples, so what do I do when I come across arrogance, well if I can't be with it I will do anything to avoid it or people or situations where it shows up. So, then arrogance chooses for me. However, if I can be with arrogance (I don't have to like it, just have the emotional range to be with it) then when it shows up, I can still function and I can choose my response to it, it might be to meet arrogance with arrogance, it may be to choose some other way of responding.

It is critical that we stay in choice around our emotions, if we are to live 'on purpose' and have the impact we want to have in the world. If we want to have a big impact then we will come across hurdles and situations and people that stretch us emotionally and we need to know how to consciously choose our response to those situations.

I had a similar situation myself in this last week, and I know that breathing helps too!
Enjoy exploring your triggers and what they cost you, with a view to doing your work to expand your emotional range. Please do not judge yourself or what you find. This is powerful and gentle work. Enjoy!