Being Complete....

I feel a strange sense of being complete at the moment, what does that mean I hear you say? Good question, I guess it means I am at peace with myself, in integrity with myself, honouring myself and not in a way which is all about me or not in a way which is self absorbed.

I was struggeling for a while about how I could find closure around something and I realised that, I found closure when I opened my heart up, when my heart is open I can see more clearly how important it is to me to be in integrity with myself. What is important is to be in a healthy, loving relationship with myself - from this place the world is a much safer, fun place.

What is it to be complete? It is to have a feeling of lightness, of wholeness, of trust and of knowing. It is a calm place where things happen because they are meant to, where life is fun and alive and the world is just looking down upon you, just waiting for you to notice the sign that it has sent, where the universe is flirting with you and all you need to do is to be awake long enough to notice what is going on. To be complete is to be in sync or in rythum with the natural cycle of the world.

I feel like I have let go of something I have been holding on to for a very long time.... I can't quite put my finger on what it is exactly and yet it feels like something big. When I first started my leadership training I realised that I had been living my whole life through a fear of rejection - everything I did, every waking moment, every action and reaction was driven by a fear of being rejected. If I do this will I get rejected, if I do that I won't get rejected, my God I wasted so much time and energy worrying about whether other people were going to reject me or not.

And so it unfolds again for me. So, this feeling is one of acceptance, one of inner knowing and trust in myself that I don't need (not want, don't need) external reassurance to know that I am complete, I don't have to have the approval of others or the presence of others in order to know that I am OK and in fact better than OK....

It is being at peace with myself and the world, that is what this feeling is....

Yum, this is a nice place I'm staying here for a while....

What is it to lead from the inside out.....

I know there is juice in this inquiry even before I start to type....

I chose this inquiry because I realise that this is a very important subject for me, its about how I live my life and how I model the work that I do in the real world. In the last blog I felt as if I was being led from the outside in and when I processed that feeling (with my Coach) I described it as feeling like someone had a hold of the bottom of my stomach and was trying to turn me inside out! It was painful and it hurt, lots!

We are so much creatures of habit, I can't tell you and the more I do this work the more I realise that I am my very best example of humanity to practise this material on, my god, the learning never stops, its a good job that learning is a value of mine, right!

So, What is it to lead from the inside out.... well it is to ask for what you want and stick around long enough to see if you have to negotiate.... that's one thing that it is, its also about not be attached to specific outcomes...... it's about being open enough to know that whatever shows up, you can work with, in whatever form. So, what comes to me is that its about trust, trust in myself as an individual and as a human being, with flaws and all that comes with those flaws, its about trusting me in all the roles I perform, as a Daughter, a Sister, a Lover, a Coach, a Trainer, a Student, a Client and a Woman whatever role I am in, I know that I can rely on me.

A very good friend and respected leader once said to me, you know I look at life like this.
We are given a body, some time and the ability to choose - what we create from those three things basically defines the life we live! Think about that, It doesn't get more simple than that... some time, a body and the ability to choose!

So, what are you doing and how are you being - with your time, your body and your ability to choose?

What I am doing is, travelling, having fun, engaging in work that I am passionate about and staying focused on the impact I want to have on my world. How am I being along the way? I am being engaging, passionate, relaxed, courageous, funny, gentle, kind, bold and loving. Sometimes grumpy, sad and always authentic!

To lead from the inside out, is to be conscious and aware of what is going on outside of me, to see how the people and organisations around me are operating and to be conscious enough to know whatever they throw at me, I can create learning from it.... I can stay on course and keep a hold of myself on the inside, no matter what is happening on the outside. I can choose not to be derailed, just because something or someone on the outside of me has done something I don't like, or created some circumstances that I was not expecting....

To lead from the inside is to let go of, 'Just in case' or 'what if' and wasting energy focusing on things which have not happened yet, far better to be in the moment, enjoying that moment rather than spending time and energy on things that may or may not happen in the future. Don't get me wrong there are some things that we can predict, Death, old age, taxes, so yes have some strategies to cope with or prepare for these... The other stuff that your Gremlin makes up, let go of that, free yourself of the baggage and energy that it takes from you!

So, for me, to lead from the Inside out is to be clear about what is important to me, to honour my values, it is to take myself over my emotional edges (have the hard conversation, ask for what I want and ask others for what they want) even if it makes me feel uncomfortable, for the sake of being authentic and feeling the aliveness that I feel when I fully engage with my world, with myself, the people around me and my everyday interactions. For me it is to be in conscious powerful life giving choice!

I am blessed to have found the work I do, I thank God that my path was pointed in this direction and I am so proud of myself, that I have taken so many risks in order to find this aliveness in my life!

Staying and leaving space......

You know it is bizzar I have been doing this work for years and I only just realised that I have a massive Gremlin around one of my relationships, it is constantly nagging at me, what about this and what about that and what if this and what if that... oh my God it's driving me nuts and what does it feed on - you'll love this - it feeds on the fact that I have always got what I wanted in my life - blessed I am indeed, I know, and I don't mean that in an arrogant way - it is true however, that whenever I put my mind to something I usually get it...

So, what happens when I don't get what I want, well if there is only me to contend with I will usually find a way, for example, when I wanted to buy more holiday from work the other year and I was unable to, I just decided OK then we'll I'll reduce my working week to 4 days and that will mean I can have what I want.

I have to say I am feeling quite exposed as I write this and I am going to continue writing it anyway because I know there is learning here for me! My challange is to stay engaged and present and give him the space he needs whilst knowing he loves me and at the moment we can't be together as much as we'd like to be.

I love space, emotionally and physically and yet I find it hard to 'let go' and just be with the fact that we love each other but can't be to together at the moment. I have to say as I write this I am feeling physically sick and that is unusual for me, very few things have that physical and emotional impact on my body these days.... what is it? I wonder..

My Gremlin is feeding off something here and I just can't quite put my finger on it. It is something about all or nothing, this has been a huge issue in my life and slowly but surely I have worked my way through it, at home and at work and in my friendships and other relationships and yet somehow with this one person the pattern still shows up.

That's what it is, it's the paradox of staying engaged and leaving space all at the same time. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! That's it, I don't know how to stay in this relationship and have all the space and time I need or want. It's like I have made up a rule that if you are in a relationship it has to be 'on' all the time, in fact he used to say to me, why does it have to be all or nothing.... and I used to laugh to myself and dismiss it but its true, that is what is going on for me, and because its more 'off' than 'on' I am having trouble in coping with being in a relationship and not be in each others pockets - this is great!

I say all the time, 'Oh God, I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship that was 24x7 it would kill me!' And yet deep down I don't know how to do anything else - this must be a deeply held belief of mine and its something like - if your in a relationship then you have to be together more than you are alone, or something like that! This make so much sense to me now, I am working on the Adult Stages of Development and reading 'Immunity to Change' by Robert Keegan as well as reading all 'The Leadership Circle' material that I have just been certified in... its amazing work and it talks a lot about having a goal and then behaving in a way which does not support the goal that you want to achieve..... which is exactly what is going on for me here... There is more work to do on this one I know and what a great realisation!

What is your impact on your world....?

I've been toying with this question for weeks now, what is my conscious intentional impact.... I thought I understood those words... and I do in my head and yet I don't actually 'get' the impact I am having, even now when I think about some real examples I am frowning! So, lets see if we can dig into this a bit more. What is the conscious intentional impact I am trying to have?



Wow, that's a great questions, I noticed that I let out a huge burst of air from my mouth when I typed those words. Now I know what my clients feel like when I ask them a really powerful question... it feels like I have just 'nailed' myself and now I notice that I want to stop typing for fear of what is coming next.



OK here we go, my intended impact is to awaken people to the possibilities life has to offer when we are conscious and choosing our actions, knowing that there could be both an intended and an unintended impact of those choices. I want people to be inspired by my journey, I want them to want some of what I have created for myself, for themselves. I think I am doing OK on this front and it makes me happy to know that I can put a tick in that box. So, what else?



Well, I want to empower my clients to take risks to know that it's safe and scary to do so and that experiencing that whole range of emotion is what it feels like to be alive! I want them to know that they don't have to live the life that they have settled for, they can start to create the life of their dreams, right now, starting in this new moment.

You know I have a very clever Gremlin, he can make things much more complicated than they need to be. Lets just go with the first question - What is my impact on my world?

Well I inspire my colleagues to create the lives they want to live, I inspire coaches to take risks in order to be the best coach they can be, I am real, I am whole and I am broken all at the same time. So, my impact is Authentic, I do some great things and I mess up too, I don't have to try to hard to get things right all the time.... I have let go, I have chilled out and I have a lot of fun these days too. So, I guess the impact on my work colleagues is that they do see a transformation in me, at least the ones that have known me before I started my own personal journey of self discovery and awareness. That's a pretty cool impact!

Those that haven't known me during my own personal journey, I'd like to think that they see someone who had lived a life with many experiences and who has chosen the one that makes her happy and fulfilled, even if being happy and fulfilled is not easy! That's it, the impact I am having is that I show people it is possible to live the life of their dreams, if they have the courage to open their hearts, even if that means being rejected, in order to be fulfilled!

Wow, I got there in the end, and I know this is important and deep work for me because I am moved by that last discovery. I love my work!

OK So, as we move into 2010 what are the things I am choosing?
I am choosing to invest in collaboration (personal and professional)
I am choosing to have a bigger impact on the Corporate world
I am choosing to harvest my existing work investments
I am choosing to let go a one particular self limiting belief that holds me back.

As we move towards 2010 what is it that you want that is
a) new in your life
b) already in your life and you want to have more impact
c) where do you want to reap the rewards from past investments
d) what is it you are intending to say no to, in order to make room for new things (a)

Be bold, be brave and know that the only thing that is getting in the way of the life of your dreams, is the life you have settled for!

Wishing you joy and happiness over the festive season.

Creating change....

I notice as I write this Blog that it too has become a habit and at least it is conscious and I am choosing to do it. What is it to create the space in our lives to actually attract the people and the work and the experiences that we want? How many times do you tell yourself, I can't - because.. or what if this or that happens....or worse how many times to we play it safe, do we stay in employment or relationships because they are predictable, because we know what to expect from them, because we know how to do or be.....it's all rather dull really isn't it.

Wouldn't life me more exciting if we did the things we didn't know how to do? If we mixed with people we didn't know how to mix with, if we experienced things that we have never experienced before. It is true that we live our lives in patterns, as human beings we just do.... and there is something about the patterns that makes life 'easier', we don't have to think about it. Oh my God, if we don't have to think then we are unconscious - who wants to live and unconscious life where we just exist, repeating pattern after pattern every day, week, month and year.... that's not a life! It is an existence....

So, the first thing we have to do is to get conscious, right! Sounds easy doesn't it? And it is not.
We have spent years creating our behaviours our patterns our 'way of life' we have made decisions, maybe years ago, that are still having an impact on our lives today and will continue to have an impact on our lives tomorrow. So how do we change what we have manifested? Well the first thing we do is to simply notice, does the life you have created for yourself serve you?
Notice that I am not saying that it's good or bad or right or wrong (they are all judgements based upon what society or other people might think) Does the life you have created Serve you?

There are some very important words in that Question, 'the life you have created' and 'Does it Serve you'. Often we blame others or organisations, we become victims of circumstance rather than taking charge of our own lives and creating what we want in the world. Now, we all know that if it were that simple, we would all do it.... so what stops us?

Firstly, as I said earlier one has to be conscious, once we are conscious then we can notice if what we have created does serve us or not. If the answer is not, my guess is that there are some values that are not being honoured, so simply notice what those values are and once conscious then you can choose to do something differently in order to honour those values. Thats step two of course, making conscious choices (and noticing your intended impact along the way) - are your intentions good? Most of us have good intentions, most of us do not set out to hurt people or to make a mess - and we are human which means we make mistakes..... give yourself permission to make mistakes, you will learn lots and life will be much more exciting. We make decisions every day, in fact we make decisions every minute of every day, give yourself a break and let go of needing to be right.... more to write on this topic and that is another blog!

Once we are making conscious choices, we are clearly saying NO to things which create space in our lives for the things we want to say YES to. For example, if I am saying No to watching telly this evening that is because I am saying YES to going to Salsa. The YESES are meaningless without the NOs..... if we want to create something different then we have to say NO to the things that don't serve us. Of course, saying YES and NO to things and people that we have not said yes and no to before (or for a while anyway) will bring up emotions in yourself and other people, so stay awake (as Billy Connelly would say) and notice the impact of your choices. There is an opportunity to learn from your emotions, they are your bodys way of letting you know something, when strong emotions come up within us, it is our body that is trying to get our attention. Be with your emotions and don't try to fix them or make them go away, they have wisdom for you, if only you stay around long enough with them to notice what the wisdom is.

So, there you go, its that simple, get conscious, honour your values, be in conscious choice and be aware of your impact (intended/unintended) and live the emotional process of you life. Keep doing it every day, thats how to create change in your world and that's the way to have conscious intentional impact in the world.

Feeling Whole.....

It's funny, I know I am still waiting and yet I know now, that I am waiting for myself to process all of the Summers events, the breakup, the fitness boot camp, the acting classes the singing lessons - the huge lesson around knowing that I have to be in the moment and present to me, before I can be present and of service to others, to openning my heart fully to others and being available to be loved.... and its huge and I am still processing it all.

Whats great is that I feel great in my body at the moment, I feel so grounded and connected to myself and to those around me. Yet, I know I am processing, except - wait for it, there is something different this time. My body is processing and I am waiting for my brain to catch up - something significant shifted within me this summer and there is a wisdom in my body (that's the solid pole straight through my torso) which is a huge strength within me and I am letting go of trying to work out what is going on.

Oh my God, it just came to me, my body is waiting for my brain to acknowledge the huge journey I have been on - the huge personal development, the risks I've have taken, in my Job, in my relationships, with my family, with my heart. The fact I have let go of judgement and have been operating in this place for years now.... my body and my emotions are waiting for me to take a break to relax and to appreciate what I have, now, here in this moment.

Its funny because the only words that come to me are that I feel whole again, not that I was not whole before and not that I was broken before - I just feel like the journey I have been on has come full circle, 360 degrees, and, that the part that makes me feel complete is stretching my body to achieve physical achievements that I haven't done in years, finding Dance again and including that in my life has been soooooooooo fulfilling for me, it is so much a part of who I am and yet for years, I had excluded it from my life.

Hmmm, Wow, I love the way this blog serves me, I always learn when I put fingers to keyboard, some times more than others and what's fulfulling about blogging, is that I hear from some of the people that read my blog that I have inspired them into action, or helped them to understand themselves more and even just helped them to be open to processing emotions that previously they had been denying or blaming others for! Amen to whoever invented blogging.

Amen to getting so low that I knew I had to change something in my life, Amen to the journey I made the choice to take, Amen to not being attached to the outcome, Amen to being completely present to the journey, Amen to not waiting for others to create the circumstances I want in my life. Amen to falling out with friends in order to create a better understanding between us, Amen to deeper relationships, Amen to meaningful conversations, Amen to being able to treat everything as a learning opportunity.

Amen, to fun, laughter, singing and dancing, and one last Amen to physical, emotional and logical integration.

For now, I am complete....

Its me again, I had to add this bit. So, I went to a new choir last night, it was lovely we sang songs and had fun and generally do what all us human being were meant to do which is be in community with each other. Then we got to the end of the session and all the lights were turned off and the teacher lit a candle in the centre of the room, she then began to sing.... wait for it
AAAAAAAAMMMMMMMEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN - I couldn't believe my ears, call it coincidence or synchronicity (I'm going for the latter) yet it was like the whole choir were repeating the Amens I had written in this blog earlier yesterday. I was moved, the hair all over my body was standing on end - it was like a reinforcement of my discovery and a celebration of my journey. I am blessed - thank you!

What am I waiting for.......

So, What a great inquiry that I have been sitting with now for almost 6 weeks.

This is how it came up, 3 coaches sitting at a table in Covent Garden and what do we come up with? We come up with the inquiry, what are we waiting for and give ourselves until the start of September to come up with something.

Well, I first started in a place of, ok well there is a Puppy, I've always wanted a puppy and have been known to stop strangers in the street to stroke their dogs - so that was one thing, and then there was the whole question of do I stay in London or what am I waiting for in order to move to my new place in Devon?

Then I went to the place of, you know, actually I am not waiting for very much. I have created a life which means I do the work I love for a comfortable living, I spend 2 ish weeks a month in Devon or London and visa versa, I travel a lot and to Spain in particular. And yet there is somthing missing.

I have had something stirred up in me within the last week or so, Assisting the leadership programme and doing Dance Camp is really shaking me up a bit - what is that.... its like a burning straight through my body, like a Red hot poker running straight down my throat and right through my body, exiting between my legs. Its like a calling forth, or a there's more here.
Or a 'What am I waiting for', like its all too easy, like its all too comfortable, like its all too cozy!

Yet, I know that I have jumped though hoops to make my life spontaneous and unpredictable and exciting and frighting too at times.... so what is this? I don't get stressed any more, I don't worry about money any more, I am really comfortable in my own skin, I trust myself, I know who I am and what I stand for. My life is spent stretching and finding new bits of who I am.... and yet something IS missing, I am waiting for something, now that's interesting, I hadn't thought of that inquiry in that way. Maybe I am waiting for something, genuinely, really waiting for something that will give me a sign as to what's next or what my next step might be...

OK I'm going to sit on that one for a while and see what shows up....
Until later....