What is Self-awareness and why does it matter....

As I said earlier the Antidote to Protecting Strategy are the Creative Competencies of Self-Awareness, Authenticity and Systems Awareness. I will go on to talk about Self-Awareness in detail and before I do here is a reminder of the Assumptions and Behaviours that come from a learned and habitual use of the Protecting Strategy....

Assumptions are...
for me to be right, others have to be wrong
I am worthwhile if I am right and find the weakness in others
I am valuable because of my superior capability and insight
I am not good enough
I am safe and acceptable if I remain small, uninvolved and avoid risk

and Behaviours those assumptions create are....
Holding back and watching how situations unfold
Identifying what is wrong, illogical or lacking in plans, people or situations
Seeing the flaws in others thinking, feelings, speaking and actions
Always analyising what is right or wrong
Constant Judgement of self and others

The point of these blogs is to create the awareness that a fulfilled life comes from unlearning Reactive Strategies and re-learning Creative Competencies. A short cut to this is to get your Leadership Circle Profile done - so that you know where to start. Once you are certified in the TLC Profile, the Coaching Principles of Fulfillment, Balance and Process are the ideal tools to enable a coach to work with clients in service of their desire to move from the use of Reactive Strategies to Creative Competencies.

Anyway, back to the Creative Competency of Self-awareness as an antidote to the Reactive Strategy of Protecting.

Self-awareness is the on-going personal commitment to personal and professional development. It is also the degree to which your inner-self awareness is expressed through, balanced perspectives and high Integrity (values based) Leadership. This can be Leadership in your life and or Work, of your family, your community or your Leadership in fully expressing your lifes purpose. Please do not make the assumption that this is about Corporate Leadership only - it is that and it is much, much more.

If you have high Self-awareness then you have developed a sense of your life's purpose, you are vital and alive, you act from your internal compass (inner knowing, values etc). You consciously express your values in who you are being and what you are doing, you are trusted by others to 'walk your talk' and people respect you as someone who acts with Integrity (honours your values).

In addition, your sense of self-esteem is based upon an inherent appreciation of life as a journey of learning and development. You are not perfect and you accept that. In fact, you have a greater sense than most of your imperfections and you are always aware of making your peace with them.

You have the ability to be with the Paradox that shows up in yourself, others and the world. So, you accept the weak and under developed parts of yourself as a place to point yourself for inner growth, knowing that there will always be those parts in yourself and others.

You also admit it when you make mistakes and hurt others, and you use these experiences to improve your relationship with yourself and others.

You become less defensive when others criticize you, you are aware that the more you stretch yourself and follow your life purpose the more you leave yourself open to and available for the criticism of others.

You have less to defend because you are aware of the complexity within yourself, and this frees you up to engage powerfully and compassionately with others.

You lead in a way which strengthens the innate capabilities of others and when you see the weaknesses in others you are reminded of your own struggle to grow. Instead of Judging them you actually want them to grow and you actively want to be in service of their growth.

Others talents or successes do not intimidate you and this allows you to surround yourself with very capable people with whom you celebrate their achievements and growth!

How are you with holding the Paradox of right and wrong, strength and weakness, lightness and dark that lives within us all. Are you able to let go of living in a world of 100% either black or white, yes or no, right or wrong and invite the complexities of allowing these opposites to live within you and to allow them to live in the others around you??

Where are you on the scale of Self-awareness?
More to come on Assumptions and behaviours.....

What behaviours do those beliefs create in us and others.......

If our beliefs are our 'operating system' then they drive our behaviours, they are the external expression of our internal assumptions.... so if the antidote to Protecting is Authenticity (and self and systems awareness - more to come later on those). Then what behaviour do those internal feelings of self-worth, strong self-esteem, personal integrity and personal power create.

The behaviours associated with Authenticity beliefs are

Being trusted by others, Having high personal integrity,

Directly addressing issues that get in the way of relationships or team performance

Speaking directly to the issues without smoothing them over

Acting courageously in personal interactions and meetings

Being able to respect someone else's opinion even if you disagree with it

Staying open and honest about what you think and feel

Managing conflict directly and authentically

Being willing to bring up and talk about issues that others are reluctant to talk about

Confronting people, including superiors, when needed

Being counted on to meet your commitments

Exhibiting personal behaviour consistent with your values

Taking responsibility for your part in relationship and other problems

Speaking openly in the presence of 'authorities'

Living by an effective set of core values

Holding on to your values during good and bad times

Living your vision in every encounter even when that requires risk.

So, you live your life Authentically, give real feedback, have real conversations and you admit your mistakes. You put yourself at risk for what you believe and value openness over popularity. Integrity and authenticity are what people trust the most. It is the source of your power!

Now have think about how familiar these behaviours are and which beliefs they come from ... and notice they are not just what we expect of ourselves, this is who other people know us to be!

We are digging in to the Leadership Circle Profiling tool here and the Adult stages of development. There is a certification programme for TLC in London on 22nd Nov if you are curious and want to get certified in this material. Of course the way to get certified is to get your own profile completed and see how you perceive yourself and what the gap is in between that and how others perceive you. Give me a shout if you are interested in either having your own profile done or attending the certification in London.

During Certification you use your own profile to learn how to interpret the profile of others! It is very powerful work.

Thanks for reading....

What is the antidote.....

Internal assumptions are the beliefs you use to organise your identity... and the antidote to protecting behaviour is Authenticity. Some internal assumptions associated with Authenticity include...

I am worthy whether people approve of me or not, whether I succeed or not

Self worth, freedom, and security are in my own hands

My greatest source of power is my personal integrity (being true to myself)

It is more important to me to remain true to myself than to live up to others expectations

I am OK, even if I make mistakes or hurt other peoples feelings

I authentically admit my part in the problems we face

The only way I lose face is by not being true to my Vision and Values

Change starts with me, I must be the change I want to see in the world....

More on the behaviours these beliefs create at a later date....

Where do you 'come' from.......

So, depending on where I come from (or who I am being) the 'doing' will have a different meaning.

Am I going to the gym because I want to keep my body fit and healthy and honour my value of longevity? Or am I going to the gym because I 'have to!’

Am I hiring a coach because I want to the personal growth, or am I hiring a coach because it says I have to have one during my leadership programme? So I am fulfilling the requirements and 'ticking the boxes'.

Can you feel the difference in the 'come from’? One comes from an external place, so that this or that does or doesn't happen to me, or so that this or that person gets what they want. The other comes from a place of being connected to oneself and ones values....

The place you come from ‘infects’ the thing you are doing with the attitude you have in your approach to it. Where do you have an approach or an attitude that empowers and supports the things that you choose to do? Also, think about where you have an attitude or approach that dis-empowers the things you choose to do.

A very wise person once said to me that people typically show up in one of two ways, as a victim of circumstance or as someone who treats whatever happens to them as an opportunity to learn and grow… which type of person are you? Which type do you want to be?

As I write this I am reminded of the book ‘power and love’ by Adam Kahne and the distinction that he makes between ‘generative’ and ‘degenerative’ Power and Love….

I know that is a bit of a left turn for some of you, or maybe not. The point being that Generative Power and Love are the way to create real change in the world. What I mean by generative is to give power to, to empower people. To treat them as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, knowing that nothing is broken and nothing needs fixing.

I believe that we have Generative or Degenerative attitudes to things and to people and that depending on our attitude we may or may not have the impact we desire.

How do we step out of those degenerative positions and step into generative beings, who know we are loved and who know we are good enough. Who understand that we are loved and respected and that is true all of the time, not just some of the time. People don’t get upset with each other because of what they believe; people get upset because of a behaviour or lack of behaviour. Because we either do or don’t do something that someone was expecting.

How do we stop running away from people, how do we stay engaged, even and more importantly when the going gets tough? Staying engaged in a generative way and saying in dialogue and holding on to the fact that people don’t get upset with us as people, they just get upset at the way we behave. It’s really important to remember this in all of the systems we work in or are part of. Why? Well because we all make mistakes and if we can’t stay engaged life will become isolated and lonely.

Where do you stay and where do you run away?

What is it all about really......

What I am processing right now is the fact that I am noticing, for me personally and for the lots of the other people in my life, what makes all the difference in the actions we take is 'where is the action coming from'. So, going back to the complying, controlling and protecting reactive strategies I talked about previously, they 'pretty much' all come from a place of 'not being enough'....

So, think about that, 'where are you coming from in the actions you take?'

Also I notice that actions that come from the place of not being enough are usually about coping with the circumstances of now, explaining and justifying how we got to where we are and why it's important to dwell on the past and coping with now. Usually, there seems to be 'struggle' that is going on when this happens. God do I remember how much energy I used to use up trying to change 'what is'. So what if we decide to let go of judgement around 'what is' and just let it be.
Can you feel the freedom of 'it is, what it is'.

I good friend of mine reminded me of the Serenity Prayer yesterday, not just the first couple of sentences, more importantly the lesser known second part of the prayer, here's a reminder for those of you who are unfamiliar with it.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

What if we just accepted that way of being. How would your world look, feel, be different?

I am personally going to 'chew' on that for a while. I guess my initial impression is, how do I do this when those around me aren't, can't or don't know how.... Anyway, as usual I will start with myself. Here's the place I am looking, Oh! this is brilliant, where do I come from when I see these former behaviours in others, do I just allow them to process it for themselves or do I jump in and try to fix it for them?

Talk about layers......

Well, what can I say, how long have I been doing this work for? Nearly ten years now and still I have learning about how it unfolds over time.
I had a very sad personal experience recently, the loss of a good friend to Cancer after a four and a half year battle - she fought hard to keep her dignity and always remained determined to maintain the best quality of life she could, until the very end.

I had been with Ruth when she went for her first Chemo appointment, it was distressing to see someone who had always put a 'brave face on' scream in the distress as the nurses were not able to get the needle into her vein to start the treatment. This first visit has left a huge mark on me and my experience that day really helped me to understand that honoring values is does not always feel good at the time. Now, however I am so proud that I was with her, not just on that day but on every appointment for her first round of Chemo and then again when she got diagnosed as the tumor reappeared after a small time in remission.

As my friend got sicker she withdrew from her extended friendships and focused her energy on her family and grandchildren and very closest friends. I tried to contact her on many occasions and although we talked, briefly and emailed some we didn't really see much of each other in the last year of her life. I realised after our last conversation on 31st October 2010 that the next time I would be with Ruth would be her Funeral. And that turned out to be true!

As I write this, (bye the way, after the initial sorrow and tears at the time she died, I have been in neutral about this topic for about 3 weeks) I notice that it is starting to stir things (emotions) up inside me. I like that feeling.

I believe that my sadness around Ruth's death is without doubt the loss of a dear and loving friend with whom I shared lots of professional experiences at work. I will always remember our first meeting, which happened to be in a smoking room when she was talking about the people she was managing at the time. Ruth had a sharp mind and sometimes an even sharper tongue. Anyway, she said that the people she was working with only walked straight because they had a 'chip on both shoulders', well I laughed until I almost cried.... so I miss those times and the times after she retired when we shared holidays and other experiences together.

Her loss has also opened something else up in me, I realised that those people who I had expected to be there for me, were not. No calls, no emails not even a cyber hug! That hurt me a lot and I was bewildered, shocked and stunned at this. I had people from my Choir calling me and hugging me in the street, people at the gym doing the same and friends of myself and Ruth were able to support each other, all of which was a great help to me.

The realisation of the old pattern came just a few days ago, and to be honest I am quite shocked at this discovery myself, so stick with me, this might get messy! The realisation I had was, this is the same pattern that has shown up all my life in intimate relationships, I am always there, I always lean in, sometimes more that 100% and guess what, the pattern is that quite often I fall over! Because the people I was leaning in to, can not, or do not lean back to stop me from falling.

It makes me sad to admit this to the world and yet I know it is true, my Gremlin in having a field day right now, telling me I'm not lovable and its because they think I am so independent that I don't need help. What I know to be true is that I have a value around 'being there' for people and clearly I also want people to 'be there' for me. So, when they are not I feel alone and isolated and very sad.

This has both painful and great learning all at the same time. What I am most proud of during this experience is that I have owned my own emotions, I have not placed blame on others and projected my needs onto others as their inadequacy. I have stayed with the emotions until something shifted, some realisation happened and some learning took place within me.

I am now ready to engage in conversation about this experience and this blog has helped me to create learning around this whole experience too. I didn't have much idea what I was going to write today and yet when I put finger to keyboard, it just seemed to flow.

With love to you and those you love, alive or not, may you remember them always. The priest at Ruth's service said 'people die twice, the first time physically and the second time when they are forgotten'. Ruth will never be forgotten nor will the learning she gave to me in my friendship with her when she was alive and the gift she left me with as she passed on to the next world. Thank you my friend.

I'm leaving this blog with tears in my eyes and love in my heart.

Are you moving towards, away from or against people?

Interesting eh! What did you notice about your behaviours?

Are you moving against people? Do you demonstrate any of the following?
Compete with people? Set exacting standards? Strive for perfection?
Need to get your own way? Do you .....
Exert tremendous effort and energy to achieve goals? Speaking directly and bluntly?
Push yourself and others to win? Take charge in most situations?

Are you moving away from people? Do you demonstrate any of the following?
Holding back to see how situations unfold?
Identifying what is wrong, illogical or lacking in plans?
Do you see the flaws in others' thinking, speaking and actions?
Are you always analysing what is right and wrong all the time?

Are you moving towards people? Do you demonstrate any of the following?
Being a do-gooder?
Saying 'yes' when you really mean 'no'?
Cautiously managing what you do to stay in the good grace of others?
Calibrating the emotional climate in situations to see if it is safe to speak?
Double checking with Authority/Hierarchy before taking any action?
Couching your speech so that others will not have a strong emotional response?

There are gifts and costs the these behaviours and usually the impact depends on the receiver!
Yes I know, that's a downer isn't it - the impact you have is typically different depending upon who you are in dialogue with or being with at the time.

Where I would point you (any myself) is to notice the emotional impact on yourself of these behaviours and know that whatever you are experiencing is of your own choice. There may be nothing happening with the other person or people you are interacting with.

We could save ourselves a lot of time and effort in simply noticing our learned behaviours and asking ourselves the question. How does this serve me? and Where does it get in my way?
Then choose the behaviours that serve you and get curious about what beliefs create the behaviours that get in your way.

What are the beliefs you are attached to that no longer serve you?
Get writing.....